Veronica Fisher quotes from Shameless

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Frank

Fucking candy striper giving a look like I'm a fucking degenerate. Egyptian royals, Incas, King Arthur, they all kept it in the family. We probably still would if Oedipus hadn't ruined it for all of us. So fine, cast the first stone. But let me ask you. If we all came from just Adam and Eve in the beginning, well, you do the math.

Veronica

Frank, can you please keep the nonsense rambling down to a minimum? Some of us have problems that we're trying to figure out.

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Veronica

Why'd you go over there in the first place?

To tell him to knock it off.

Veronica

Could have called.

You're taking his side?

Veronica

Please, you wanted a hit, you little smack head.

I did not.

Veronica

Really? Did you get that little tingle when you stepped up to his front door?

Maybe. What do you want me to say, that I'm self-destructive? That liars and thieves and addicts turn me on? That I don't know how to do a normal relationship?

Veronica

Was that so hard?

The worst part is I keep checking my phone to see if he's texted. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Veronica

[Glances at medical supply cabinet] Who the hell broke into my pills?

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[Recap flashbacks of the cold open]

Veronica

You let some dude finger you last night on the El?

You make it sound so filthy. And he's not just any dude.

Veronica

No, he's your boyfriend's brother!

...

Frank

Get on. [Carl jumps on Frank's leg, he exclaims and then goes back to sleep]

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Hey, what are you doing?

Finding ways to make money from home.

Huh. Hey, is something burning? Smell that?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit! shit! [Laughs]

Veronica

Shit!

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

[Smoke alarm beeping]

Fire in the hole.

Veronica

Not my hole. [Both laughing]

You just let it burn?

We got distracted.

Veronica

Oh, God. Ugh.

[He turned around and see two bottles of vodka that she is drinking too much.] You're shitfaced.

Since when is a felony for a Gallagher to drink?

Veronica

Calm down. It's my fault. I brought the vodka.

Oh, and poured it down her throat?

You're the one who told me to relax. SOMEBODY SHUT THAT THING UP! [She continues laughing]

[Smoke alarm continues beeping]

Fuck. Burn the house down, okay? Burn the food too, you know, I can always steal some more from my shitty work-study job, right?

I'm going through something here.

Yeah, it looks like you went through about five beverages in an hour, Fiona. Have another one. Why not? You're your own woman. Right? No, bang the boss's brother. Leave coke out on the table for the kids. Get arrested. Do whatever the fuck you need to do. I've got this. Hey, Carl, go upstairs, get your toothbrush and something to sleep in.

He has the suspension meeting tomorrow.

Oh, no worries. No worries. I'll get him to Shelia's on time. Stay up all night studying? I mean, what the fuck? It's just an applied physics quiz. Where's Debbie?

She's at Sheila's with Sammi.

Veronica!

Veronica

Yeah.

You're not answering your phone?

Veronica

I didn't hear it. What's up?

Carol. She's in labor.

Veronica

What. Oh, s***. Wish us luck.

There's something burning.

Let's go Carl.

Go-- no. Hey, come on. Lip, please. You don't have to take them.

You're right. I don't.

Come on. What about dinner?

Enjoy. [As he leaves the house with Liam and close the door]

[Smoke alarm continues beeping]

[Sighs] Shut up! [Screams]

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Veronica

Mama, stop. I'm not a cow.

Look, you got to grab this tіt, and you got to massage it till you get the milk ducts flowing, girl.

...

Veronica

No, I'm done. No more breast feeding.

What are you talking about?

Veronica

I'm done. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.

No. No, no, no, absolutely not. We are not doing formula. They will grow up with asthma, and be short, and have no friends.

Veronica

Kev, kids in this neighborhood are raised on Kool-Aid and powdered milk. Formula's a step up.

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What's up, babe?

Veronica

What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?

You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.

Veronica

Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?

All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.

Veronica

You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.

God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.

Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.

Hey, Fiona. Hey, V.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?

Svetlana

Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.

What happened to your hair?

Veronica

If it was lice again, I could have washed it.

No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.

Veronica

I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?

V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.

Veronica

You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.

Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.

Veronica

Who the fuck are you?

It's just a fucking haircut.

Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.

...

[Ian, Mickey and two friends are watching behind a door]

PPastor

Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.

Mandy

But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.

PPastor

But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.

Mandy

But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.

[A friend has taken Mandy's place and is fellating the pastor]

PPastor

[Moans in pleasure] Yes.

[Mickey, Ian and a friend are all filming and taking pictures, with camera lights flashing]

Mickey

Really fast!

PPastor

What-- what is this?

Ian

That's a good one.

PPastor

Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?

Ian

Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?

PPastor

Oh, my God.

...

It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?

It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...

What? I look like a what?

Carl

Whoa, you look like a hooker.

You think?

That is not a compliment, Debbie.

From Carl?

Carl

Totally is. Hookers are hot.

See?

Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?

I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?

Your friends still aren't talking to you?

What friends?

You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.

Fine.

What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?

Yeah.

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What the fuck else am I supposed to do?

Veronica

You're scrappy, Fiona. You know how to fight. Don't pretend you don't know how to fight.

So?

Veronica

So either fight for this marriage or cut him loose. Let him lick his wounds and move on.

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[Veronica is hiding behind a poster at an upscale restaurant watching a man before mustering up the courage]

Veronica Fisher.

Veronica

Hey.

You look fine, girl.

Veronica

Thank you, Eddie.

[Both chuckle]

You look, yeah. Mmm, damn, princess, how long has it been? Long time. Those lips feel like yesterday. Should we sit, or should we find someplace more private?

Veronica

I'm sorry, Eddie. But you look, yeah. But I'm married. And I have twins-- Amy and Gemma.

Oh, I remember them well.

[Eddie kisses both Veronica's breasts]

Hello, Amy... and Gemma.

Veronica

That's not what I-- What? Ew! Shit.

[Veronica walks away]

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[Carl is led into the courtroom]

Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think he's an upstanding young man.

Veronica

Just like Ted Bundy.

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Any chance he'll get scared straight?

[Whole family expresses absolute doubt]

Veronica

He'll end up running the joint.

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Liam. Plate. Sink.

...

There's a Russian prostitute in my kitchen talking diaper genies and infant diarrhea with my husband. So are you and Kev...

Veronica

Giving it another try.

That's great.

Veronica

Yeah.

Veronica

Is that a hickey?

Yeah.

What?

Veronica

Are those teeth marks? Tell that boy no teeth. Just lip and suction.

VVeronice

Didn't you have the talk?

"The talk"?

Veronica

Birds and bees. His thing, her thing.

She's on the pill.

...

Veronica

The pill at 13?

14, she's almost 15.

Veronica

Really? Well, I guess she should. I started at 11.

11?

Veronica

Yeah. Developed early. Boys started sniffing around when I was 10, grown men by the time I was 11. Mama had to beat 'em off with a claw hammer. The deacons at the church were the worst. Nothing but hands.

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[Kevin and Veronica are waiting in a walk-in clinic]

You know I used a condom.

Veronica

On your tongue?

...

CPClinic physician

What seems to be the problem?

Veronica

My husband's a slut!

V, that's a little harsh! He slept with a bunch of girls, and I want to make sure he doesn't any nasty diseases.

CPClinic physician

How many sexual partners have you had in the last 12 months?

What, you want names? 'Cause I didn't catch many names.

CPClinic physician

Just a number will do.

Uh... Frontal and anal?

Veronica

Anal?!

Well, yeah, you'd be surprised how many coeds want it up the butt. Think it preserves their virginity. They call it "the poop-hole loophole".

Veronica

Damn, Kev!

It's a really big school, V. Ballpark? More than X, less than Y? Is that math? I really wasn't--

CPClinic physician

How about best guess?

[Inhales deeply] Uh... [exhales deeply and counting off on both hands] 22, 23, give or take 5 or 6.

Veronica

What?!

I was the rape-walker! I had lots of opportunities!

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Veronica

Could you stop doing that, please?

Doing what?

Veronica

Acting all knowing about my husband.

If the shoe fits...

Veronica

You don't have to rub my nose in it, Mother.

You never ever let a good-earning, good-looking, good-in-the-sheets man like your Kev off a leash, unless you're ready for him to run wild in the neighborhood sniffing after every bitch he sees.

Veronica

I didn't know that he was gonna round up half of Delta Delta Sluta for a dip-the-stick marathon.

A thirsty man coming out the desert is bound to take a drink.

Veronica

Now I'm a damn desert?!

A man only has one kind of camel to ride for many years. That camel run off, he gonna try to take a few other rides out for a spin before he decides which one he's gonna drive off the lot.

Veronica

That was, like, 15 different insulting metaphors all mashed up into one incredibly nasty sentence.

So your man likes lemons? Make yourself some lemonade.

Veronica

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Dress up like a little girl, if that's what he likes now. Go to one of those, uh... Forever 15 stores in the mall, buy yourself some of those cheap little-girl college clothes. Make your man happy.

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[Veronica debuts her school girl costume to Kevin in the bedroom]

Did you go shopping?

Veronica

Mm. Isn't this what you like?

[Laughs] No. Yes. I mean, what's the right answer?

Veronica

Is this what they wore-- those slutty coeds you nailed?

Oh. No. I mean, I don't-- sort of, I guess. I mean, they wore a bunch of different kinds of things. They wore skirts and sweatpants, most of 'em. They wore jeans with those torn knees and--

[Veronica gets annoyed and starts hitting Kevin]

Ow! Hey! You asked!

[She leaves the bedroom and Kevin follows her to console her]

I don't want you to dress like anybody else. I want you to dress like you-- Veronica clothes.

Veronica

Babies, Kev-- you better go and hold 'em. I know that's where you want to be, so you better go before they die!