[Sammi is approaching in the distance with a handgun and she is calling out to him]
{Fiona is in the kitchen with Veronica]
Do you think I'm a good person?
[Sound of gunshot]
[A ricochet flies through window whipping up drapes]
Oh, you're gonna get fucked!
You tried to fucking kill me!
Fuck you and your weird-ass kid!
Oh, you're gonna get fucked, you little bitch!
[Fiona rushes out backyard door and comes across Ian]
What the hell is going on?
I'm not sure. Mickey tried to kill Sammi. Sammi's trying to kill Mickey, and something about her being in a box for a week.
[Police sirens approach]
Living with a teenage meth dealer.
VeronicaThat can't be good.
TKTape Kevin
You're the best tennis players on the planet. Gemma, you have the number one backhand smash in the world. Amy, you can serve and volley like no one's business. Gemma...
Veronica
Kev, I'm thinking the subliminal message thing is really working.
Well, at least it put 'em to sleep.
TKTape Kevin
...gave you the nickname "The Sledgehammer."
What, you saying my voice is boring?
TKTape Kevin
No, I'm saying we got 30 minutes to get down to business while Venus and Serena finally take a nap.
TKTape Kevin
...You get a tattoo of a sledgehammer on your right bicep.
Veronica
Hmm.
TKTape Kevin
...Your dad's a little disappointed by this, but he can overlook it.
Veronica
Babe?
Veronica
As much as I love hearing your subliminal message voice, can we take this upstairs?
Really? 'Cause it's kinda turning me on.
Veronica
Uh-huh. [Both laughs]
YYanis
Get away from my babies before I blow your heads off!
RLRedhead Lisa
You should've put muzzles on them!
Damn it! Yanis woke up the girls again. All right, I'll go deal with it. God damn it, Yanis!
Veronica
Okay. So... I only got an hour, then I got to meet Svetlana to check out the competition.
Veronica
Public Restroom. That's what it's called and they serve tapas. I mean, who goes to a place called Restroom and is like, "You know what? I think I want to order some food"?
Hold on, hold on. Yeah, I'm here.
Veronica
Sure.
Thank you so much for all your help, Peter. I'll let you know how it goes. Holy shit!
Veronica
It came through?
Pre-certified for a mortgage loan of up to $100,000.
Veronica
Did those bankers not learn anything from that mortgage crisis bullshit? I mean, no offense, but giving that kind of money to you?
Totally. And thank God for Sean. He was the one who pushed me to get this loan.
Veronica
Aw, he's like Superman, except for the whole junkie thing. Does he know about Gus's ring?
Well, he knows that it exists, but not that I'm pawning it.
Veronica
Let's see.
[Sighs] You know, I've been trying to, like, get angry at Gus, thinking about that bitchy song that he wrote about me, but anyway you look at it, this is shitty.
Veronica
[Clicks tongue] Oh. It belonged to his grandmama?
Yeah, his dead grandma. And there's some story, like she survived the Holocaust with it, like in her cooch.
Veronica
What?
Yeah, it's something intense.
Veronica
Well, you should get extra for dead grandma's cooch ring.
I had it appraised. The guy said it's worth $7,000.
Veronica
Seven- Seven grand, are you serious?
Veronica
Fuck Gus's dead grandmama. Go on and buy your house.
Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing us together to study your word and bask in your glory. Amen.
BSBible study group
Amen.
Who else would like to show the Lord his gratitude?
Right here, Carol. Lord, please let my baby girls grow up to have wicked backhands and 120 mile-per-hour serves.
This is Bible study, Kevin. We're here to praise Jesus, not ask him for favors.
Right. Right, I'm sorry. Can I just do one more real quick? Jesus, please help Yanis rest in peace so I can get some rest and not have panic attacks, and not soil my pants.
Well, I'll see you next week. There's coffee and muffins in the kitchen.
They're a day old, but no mold. I checked. Praise Jesus.
Oh, and don't forget, we still need a volunteer to host the foster child we're receiving this morning. Thank you for coming.
Veronica
What?
Bless you, Kevin. He's on his way from Myanmar to a dairy farm in Wisconsin. Oh, it- it- it's only for a couple of days. Oh, this is- praise Jesus. Thank you. Oh.
Veronica
The hell you doing?
It's a kid in need. If I do God a solid, he'll do me one. Eye for an eye.
Veronica
That is not what "eye for an eye" means.
Oh, how do you know what the good book means? You were doing your nails the whole time.
Veronica
Forget that barbecued Greek. It wasn't your fault.
Of course it was. What are you talking about, V? If it wasn't for me, Yanis would still be alive. Please, baby.
Veronica
[Administering stitches to Carl] So you gonna tell me what happened?
Veronica
Why not?
Veronica
What's wrong with me telling her?
She freaks out about everything.
Veronica
What if I promise not to say anything to her?
Why do you want to know anyway?
Veronica
Because you've been running your ass around here like a black Scarface, and I care about you, okay?
Just got hit, that's all.
Veronica
By whom?
Veronica
Any particular reason?
'Cause I don't want to work with him anymore.
Veronica
And he clocked you for that?
Veronica
Get out of that shit you're involved in, you hear me? Now.
LLester
What's that accent, Polish?
LLester
So she wasn't born here.
Sent over in a shipping crate.
LLester
You pay her under the table?
Shit, yeah. How do you think this place stays open?
LLester
Excuse me. I'm Officer Lester Hibbert from United States Citizenship and Immigration Services.
LLester
According to your boss, you came to this country illegally.
I didn't know he was whatever he said.
LLester
I came here to unwind. You treated me like shit. And then you took my last five bucks. [Motions to a table] Now we're gonna have a conversation.
Veronica
He's with Immigration?
I had no idea. I didn't see his badge.
[Comes down stairs to find Veronica and Svetlana asleep on couch] What's with the slumber party?
Veronica
Oh. The babies awake?
Not yet. You didn't come to bed.
Veronica
Oh, we were celebrating, and I fell asleep.
I get divorce. Woot woot!
Veronica
The papers came through. Lana is single.
Veronica
Lana?
What, you have a pet name for her?
Veronica
It helps sell it.
Our loving dyke. [Svetlana grabs Veronica's breast with both laughing]
No. No, no, no, no, no. We dropped the whole marriage idea.
I'm not talking to you. V, marriage is a sacred institution.
Veronica
It's just for immigration.
You're talking about being married to another person.
Veronica
You are.
Yeah, okay, so? But- look, you and I aren't married on paper, right? But that doesn't change how I feel.
Veronica
Me neither. It's not a big deal.
Give blessing. Is least you can do.
Hey, you the one who outed her to the INS. Stop ganging up on me. There are other options besides marriage.
Veronica
What? Immigration is gonna put her back on the next boat to Moscow.
I'll fix it by the end of the day, okay? Just... no more pet names.
Veronica
I didn't think your wedding was gonna become an annual tradition like Thanksgiving.
I asked Lip and Ian to walk me down the aisle.
Veronica
The ink's barely dry on your divorce.
Why are you giving me a hard time?
Veronica
I love you, but if you're gonna change your mind, do it before I shell out the money for your bachelorette party tonight.
I'm not changing my mind. And it wasn't my idea to have it this early. Look, I am not showing up to your wedding all bloated and looking like shit.
Veronica
I need time to recuperate.
Veronica
I plan on drinking a lot.
Veronica
Where did Monica get the bread for a wedding dress?
This was back when her parents had a little money. And they approved of the first wedding.
Veronica
First?
She married Frank twice. First time only lasted a week. She locked him in the trunk of the car. Left him in the Kmart parking lot for days.
Veronica
And then she picked up my babies, one on each hip, and she whispered into their ears and they both stopped crying immediately, and I was like, "Damn. This crazy Russian is magical." I knew then that I wanted her in my life forever.
LLester
And, Mrs. Fisher, when did you first realize you were in love with Mrs. Fisher?
Oh, first time I saw her. We were in bar where we work. This thing happened... [speaks Russian]. It's when your eyes, they climb onto your head. This happened to me.
LLester
Well, your individual interview answers line up for the most part and your joint interview has been shockingly credible. I've been at this job eight years. Never seen a setup quite like this.
Veronica
So did we pass?
LLester
Well, I don't buy a word of it, but so far I don't have any evidence to the contrary. I'll review your documents, follow through with family and friends. I'll make a few more follow-up visits. Can't wait to see how far you ladies take this.
[Frank wheels himself into The Alibi Room]
My liver's been on vacation, and I got a month's worth of drinking to catch up on.
Veronica
Where the hell you been?!
Hospital. They pulled me out of the lake. Must have fallen in drunk after the wedding and washed into Lake Michigan.
We thought you were dead.
Nope. I'm indestructible. The doc said the cold would've killed a lesser man. But not the Frank.
Why are you in a wheelchair?
Temporary setback. Atrophy. I was in a coma. Can I get a beer? Hospital said nobody came looking for me. I guess you lowlifes assumed I was on a bender after unloading my oldest on that fucking junkie. [Starts having flashbacks of Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana staring into the vehicle trunk from his viewpoint]
Veronica
Kevin, family meeting!
Coming! Took a little longer to get ready!
[Comes down stairs wearing nothing but a stuffed pink elephant over crotch] Ready for our family meeting.
This is about family finances.
Veronica
Svetlana's been going over our bills and income from the bar.
Sit. Sit! We need to increase our revenues and improve our P&L immediately! You have no life insurance, 401ks, 529s, you have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecast! Our yield on gross revenues are shit!
I'm sorry, are- are we seriously not gonna have sex? 'Cause I kinda took a Viagra.
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Veronica
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Veronica
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
Veronica
That's Kev.
Check it out, sister-wives!
Veronica
We gonna ride around in that?!
You know, my tits are smaller than this.
Our customers won't mind. Hey, pal. Uh, topless maids that actually clean. Pass it along.
Veronica
Where are the kids?
Check it out! Custom-built! Are you ready for this?! What do you think?! Is that genius or what?! They love it! They can't... Look at 'em! Look at! They love it!
Veronica
What's that smell?!
That's not coming from the van. [To man] Excuse me, sir. This is a legitimate business here. [Svetlana and the man start yelling at each other with the man slapping Svetlana who then headbutts him and they wrestle on the ground with Kevin and Veronica pulling them apart] I got... I got... shit! What the fuck is going on here?!
This is my father. He's staying with us for a while.
[Svetlana is hosing down her father with Kevin and Veronica watching]
Why is he covered in shit, Lana?
He rode into country hiding on cow freighter.
Veronica
He can't stay with us.
He's covered in tattoos. Is that a penis fucking a skull?
Veronica
Kev, he sold her into sex slavery.
Yeah, he can't stay with us.
Veronica
Tell her.
Hey, Svet'. Yo. Uh, he can't stay with us.
Veronica
Yeah, sorry, we discussed it, and we just don't think it's a good idea.
So, we live together. We love together. We even raise babies together. But this decision we do not make together?
Veronica
We're just worried about him being in the house with the babies.
Ah, he's good for babies. Sweet. He is also good behind bar. He solves bartender problem while we go out and do titty van business so we can save money for college for babies.
Veronica
You want us to leave our bar with him? Does he even speak English?
English does not matter. Make drink. Take money. Hurt people who do not pay money. I grew up in his bar. Everything I know, I learn from this man.
I'll go get him some clothes.
Veronica
Don't you dare leave.
...
Veronica
I just want to know how long he's gonna stay.
He kept roof over my head and borscht in my bowl until I was ten years old, ready to work on corner. For this, I owe him. I also owe him the money he spent to smuggle me into country.
Veronica
You owe him the money he paid smugglers so you could be a sex slave in America?
This is land of free, home of brave. And if he had not smuggled me, I would not have met you and become happy wedded thrupple bliss.
Veronica
Shut up, Kev!
I'm just saying, if I had a dad, I would forgive a lot too.
Veronica
You know what...
Enough! We strip now. Pimp, watch babies.
Shameless · 903 quotes
