Veronica Fisher quotes from Shameless

Kevin

[Snorts cocaine] Whoo! Whoo, that shit is awesome!

Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago. [Kevin laughs]

Steve

[Shows up with Estefania] So this is where the party's at.

Kevin

What's up, you dirty fucker?! How's it hanging?!

Steve

Long and hairy, hard to carry! [Kevin laughs]

Kevin

[Laughs] I miss you, man!

Steve

Sure that's not the drugs talking?!

Kevin

It might be! [Laughs]

Steve

You remember Kev and the gang, right?

[Greets in Portuguese] Hola!

[Jumps up] Ooh, I love this song! Estefania, let's go dance! Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?! Ooh, you are so sexy! Come here! [Takes Estefania away]

Kevin

What are you waiting for?! Drop trou! Jump in!

Steve

All right.

Kevin

[Veronica splashes him] What?!

Fiona

Oh.... [Laughs]

Veronica

Ooh!

Steve

What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.

Kevin

Ah....

Steve

[Gets in jacuzzi and to Fiona] Hey. All right. [Fiona gets up out of jacuzzi] Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.

Kevin

I like your bathing suit.

Steve

Thank you.

Veronica

You know, there are a lot of kids who need a home.

Kev

Fucked up foster kids like me?

Veronica

Exactly. We could build up our own army. Like Wesley Snipes. Take over the neighborhood.

Fiona

[about Steve] Christ, V. I can't let him back into this madness.

Veronica

Isn't that his choice?

Fiona

Well, he thinks he wants it now. Just wait a year or two, when I have one in the oven and Frank throws up on our bed in the middle of the night or Monica tries to hang herself in the closet with an old shoelace.

Fiona

[Arrives at house to meet Veronica on front steps] Hey. What's going on?

Veronica

Can I sleep here tonight?

Fiona

Sure. [Veronica goes in house]

Lip

How'd you do?

Fiona

It's gonna take a while till I start making money. Here. Almost all of it. I'll get the rest, I promise.

Lip

Ah, keep it.

Lip

Well, if you're gonna gamble our money, you should hold onto it, right?

Fiona

[Scoffs] I was trying to better our situation, Lip.

Lip

Oh, congratulations. You risked everything, and you didn't even break even.

Fiona

It was my first time doing this.

Lip

That's not the point. You made a decision without consulting the rest of us.

Fiona

I'm in charge of this family.

Lip

Really? No, sorry, that's- that's news to me. [Mandy appears from front door and leans on porch railings] You see, Fiona, if we're gonna be every man for himself, this family is going under fast.

Fiona

Here, just take the money, okay? Pay the property tax. I'll get the rest tomorrow somehow.

Lip

No, I don't need it.

Fiona

What?

Lip

I took care of the situation myself.

Fiona

[Scoffs] How?

Lip

Told a bunch of North Side kids that Wilco was playing at your party. It's like I said. The only way to make money when you're poor is to steal it or scam it , like Don King or Joe Kennedy. But hey, um, let me know if the rules are changing, right, And you're gonna pull this shit again? Maybe I'll have to take over the family money, huh? [He goes in house with Mandy]

Veronica

[About Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.

Kev

She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.

[On Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!

Veronica

What you doing going through my shit, bitch?

Debbie

What's a dildo?

Kevin

Oh, my god, you are so unbelievably tasty right now.

Veronica

[Giggles] Don't wait for me.

Kevin

What, are you charging by the minute, madam v?

Veronica

Yes.

Kevin

Well, thank you for watching my wallet, you dirty little whore.

Veronica

I am a dirty little whore. Put me on my back, would you, please?

Kevin

Oh, hello. Oh, you've been working on your kegels. Oh. Oh, you're flexing it. Oh, you're flexing, Oh, you're flexing that. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Veronica

Roll over, hulk hogans.

Kevin

You want me to finish you off?

Veronica

I'm good, hon. We got to save your sperm for baby-making.

Kevin

This was a baby-making session?

Veronica

Hoping so.

Kevin

You cool?

Veronica

Yeah.

Kevin

Yeah, it just- I just wish you had given me a heads-up before I went with the whole whore thing. You know, I don't want our kid's first impression of you to be that you're a whore.

Veronica

It was making you hot. Hot is good. We got to help your spermies rocket to my egg.

Kevin

Well, just don't be upside-down too long. My sperm get dizzy.

Kevin

This one's gonna take. My boys are gonna hit your bull's-eye.

Veronica

Mm. I can feel it.

Kevin

Come on, boys! [Laughs] Swim! Swim like Michael Phelps! Swim, baby! Can a vagina go deaf?

Veronica

[Reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?

Fiona

Bakery guy is dyslexic.

Jimmy

It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.

Veronica

Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.

[Glancing at computer] I've got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 UTI, and a preteen pregnancy in the lobby, so can you tell me why you're here when I just saw you two weeks ago?

Veronica

We've been banging like bunnies And I can't get pregnant. I need another exam.

It won't change anything.

Veronica

But you said last time I had a chance of getting pregnant.

I believe I said you had very little chance. I also used the words, "highly unlikely" And "wildly improbable."

Carol

You got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.

I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion with upbeat and positive phrasings.

Veronica

I need to know the truth. Can I have a damn baby or not?

Put is this way, you have a 99.999 chance of not getting pregnant, nothing is impossible.

Are you out of your fucking mind?!

Veronica

Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, Not sex!

Carol

What is the difference?!

Veronica

It's clinical. So no one enjoys it. Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster. This will deliver the biggest batch. The bigger the batch, the better the chance.

Carol

Uh-uh. No, honey.

Kevin

This is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.

Veronica

I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby That I know you want... and the grandbaby that you deserve. But I can't. And it kills me. Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating.

Carol

[Groans] What kind of hard liquor you got and how much? [Exhales]

Fiona

Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out for your first day, and you are so not leaving here in that.

Debbie

I borrowed it from Mandy.

Fiona

Clearly.

Debbie

You do realize that I'm in middle school now, right?

Fiona

Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.

Fiona

Mandy, she's 13. She's not working the bedroom at the Mustang Ranch.

Mandy

Yeah, like you never wore a short skirt when you were her age.

Lip

Jeez, Fi, she's just trying to help.

Fiona

Can you take Liam tomorrow?

Veronica

Not sure. Those fruits of Islam people on 4th have a free daycare. If I say I hate whitey, I bet they'll watch him for a few hours. So is Lip getting serious about Mandy "Skankovich"? [Mandy appears behind her]

Mandy

Nice. [Goes up stairs]

Veronica

Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry. You know I would have never said that to your face. Should I apologize or leave? I'm gonna leave.

Veronica

[Walks past Patrick vomiting at his truck and goes into house] And who's that puking on his Timberlands?

Carl

Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.

Veronica

What the hell are you reading?

Carl

[Holds up a box] Rat poison.

Kevin

Hold on, now.

Veronica

Twelve weeks pregnant?!

Carol

Veronica, I promise, I swear I had no idea.

Kevin

Ladies, please. [Veronica shoves Carol] V, that's not right. [Brings up phone] Although I should probably record this... in case we wanna upload it to our site. Make money. Just watch her belly.

Veronica

Twelve weeks, Kev?

Kevin

Just trying to keep the peace.

Carol

I didn't know.

Veronica

You know. You're a walking pee stick.

Carol

In the past. This time... There's no; this time.

Veronica

You kept quiet because you wanted to keep fucking my husband. [To couple sitting nearby] What the fuck are you looking at, huh?! My husband fucked my mother to get pregnant! Can't all have our baby normal!

Kevin

Hey, what can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.

Veronica

Mom, admit it.

Carol

Okay. Okay, I thought I might be pregnant.

Veronica

Oh, my God.

Carol

But, honey, look, I didn't know. I didn't take a test. I didn't wanna know.

Veronica

What? Why?

Carol

Because I liked what we had.

Kevin

Thank you.

Veronica

Excuse me?

Carol

Not what we, me and Kev had. What we all had.

Veronica

What are you talking about?

Carol

I was so lonely. When you called me to help out, it made me feel wanted. Wanted in a loving way. In a family way. Needed. Important.

Kevin

[Holds up fetus photo talking in a squeaky voice] Hey, I'm the baby fetus. Please don't fight anymore. I know Kev is a big hot stud and you couldn't resist his giant cock penis... but I'm all that matters now, right?