Debbie Gallagher quotes from Shameless

You're leaving?

Debbie

Uh, yeah. Sorry, nothing fit.

Bummer. Well, could I tempt you with this new white-gold baby cuff? Just got it in this weekend.

Debbie

Cute, uh, maybe next week...

[To police officer entering store] Could you have taken any longer? That's her. She's stealing.

Debbie

What?!

I'm not stupid like your baby's name.

Kevin

I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.

Svetlana

Yeah. He's working on something for bar, to help. It's a surprise.

Kevin

Oh, sweet. You know, I still can't believe he's the same dude that locked you in a closet and put a flour sack over your head.

Svetlana

It was potato sack. It's like my 12-year-old self made up my adult life, and my adult self was like, "Oh, yeah? I see your offer, and I raise you 20." [She wets her white shirt sans bra with nipples appearing to Kevin's excitement]

Debbie

[Arrives] Hey. Is The Alibi hiring?

Kevin

Who's asking?

Debbie

Me. I need a job with child care.

Kevin

Okay, A, you're underage. You can't even work in a bar. And, B, we don't have real employees. We got spouses and parents. And, C, I am at peak baby. Three, and I max out. See you inside.

Svetlana

Why you need job?

Debbie

Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.

Svetlana

Find husband. I have both husband and wife. I have someone to watch my son 24/7. I have job. I am kept woman. You want good life? Find someone to keep you.

Debbie

I don't need to be kept. I'm a strong woman.

Svetlana

Don't be strong woman. Strong women weather storms. You want to be the storm.

Debbie

How?

Svetlana

You find someone weak, stupid, and desperate. And you wear bras so your breasts levitate.

Debbie

All right! I got this thing together. I'm gonna take these guys to the movies where it's nice and cool. Hellraiser II is playing. Toddlers love classic slasher flicks from the 1980s. Just kidding. We're gonna go see Dory for the eight millionth time so I can stab my eyes out with a fork.

Veronica

Kev, I don't think we should let Yvon keep feeding the babies.

Kevin

The Knife thing. I know.

Veronica

That, and I don't like the way he looks at them.

Kevin

How does he look at them?

Veronica

Like he's trying to figure out how much they're worth.

Kevin

That's insane. You know, you sound like an insane person. You know that, right?

Veronica

Do I?

Kevin

Yeah. You do. [Yvon appears] What's up? What's going on? Thumbs up. What's up there? The sky? Speak Russian at least. You want me to go upstairs? Oh, you want me to go... Okay, fine. I'll go upstairs. I'll be right back. We are not doing Tinder. Tinder is for hookups. And we don't want hookup. We want someone old-fashioned, someone who wants to keep a woman. But for what?

Neil

Hey. Debs. Hi, Lip. Are you gonna have sex with my sister?

Debbie

We're about to leave. Franny's physical exam, to see if I'm an abusive mother.

Lip

You're not. It's just routine.

Neil

My sister really likes you. I'm glad you're her new boyfriend.

Lip

I'm not her boyfriend.

Neil

A lot of guys used to come around, but you're the only one now.

Debbie

What if they take Franny?

Lip

Listen to me, okay? No one's taking Franny. She is healthy. She has all her shits. You're not an addict. You've never been arrested, right? [Debbie scoffs] You gonna come home?

Debbie

Why should I? Nobody threatens to kick me out here. And I can tell DCFS that we have a home and source of income.

Lip

We?

Debbie

Neil's great with kids. And his penis doesn't work, so sex won't get in the way.

Sierra

Thought I heard you. Hey. Just give me a minute to get Neil dressed.

Debbie

Already done. We're going shopping later. You need anything? Okay. I'm not inviting Fiona. No cunts allowed.

Neil

Okay. Don't forget anal.

Sierra

We're not doing anal.

Lip

Oh. Good to know. [Walking to bedroom taking off clothes] Hey, you coming to this dinner tonight?

Sierra

It's in my apartment. Kind of have to. What's it for?

Lip

Fuck if I know, but Debbie insisted we be there.

Sierra

So, she got into a fight with a homeless lady with a baby strapped to her chest?

Lip

Yeah, the more you get to know Debbie, the more you'll see it's really not that unusual.

Sierra

You think her and my brother is a good idea?

Lip

Nope. You?

Sierra

Fuck no. How about you get my mind off it?

Lip

Oh, fucking hell. Oh. I didn't know if you'd be good at that.

Lip

That was unbelievable.

Sierra

Sheets drenched?

Lip

Yeah.

Sierra

That's how I come sometimes.

Lip

What?

Sierra

You never heard of female ejaculation?

Lip

Oh, no, I have. I just thought it was a myth, like unicorns or moderate Republicans.

Sierra

You're really hard.

Lip

That was really hot. Hey, does that happen a lot with guys?

Sierra

Sometimes.

Lip

When you're alone?

Sierra

No.

Lip

Hey, why didn't you come like that before?

Sierra

I hadn't let you go down on me. You have a lot of questions.

Lip

I just... I feel like Watson and Crick must have when they discovered DNA.

Sierra

It's just an orgasm.

Lip

We should've been doing this from the beginning.

Sierra

Can't.

Lip

Not until I'm really comfortable with a guy.

Debbie

[To Ian and Carl] Dinner. [Debbie, Ian, Carl, Lip, Liam, Sierra and Neil all take their seats at the dining table] Eh... Sit next to me.

Ian

Yeah. Looks great, Debs.

Sierra

I'll get your soda, Lucas. Can you cut his potatoes?

Lip

Uh... yeah. [Takes cutlery to Lucas plate] Let me help you with that.

Neil

[To Debbie] Sierra thinks you're only with me for my money.

Lip

What, you said that?!

Sierra

You don't think it's a good idea either!

Lip

Look, Debs, you don't need to do this to get the DCFS off your back...

Debbie

Shut up, Lip. What kind of choices do you think I have? You may see someone who's brain damaged, but I see someone who doesn't lie. Like all the other guys I've ever been with. He'll take care of me and will make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me. What kind of choices do you think Neil has? Are you always gonna be there to look out for him? 'Cause I will. I'll cook for him, and I'll do his laundry, and I'll let him watch me masturbate. You think he's gonna find a better deal somewhere else? We're engaged. That's why I wanted all of you here.

Debbie

And Neil's a really great guy. He has a big apartment which is totally baby-proof. Would you guys like to come over and see it?

No, I don't think that'll be necessary.

Debbie

That way if DCFS calls, you can say you saw where Franny's living and that she's in really good hands.

Look, it's good that you're trying, Debbie, but I saw you punch a homeless lady.

Debbie

That was an accident.

You accidentally punched a homeless lady?

Debbie

No, I accidentally lost my temper.

Does that happen a lot?

Debbie

No, never. No. Please, you're her "abayla."

Abuela.

Debbie

Exactly. Come on. Please? Just come see where we live. Come see how happy we are.

Debbie

The homeless shelter's down the street, lady! [Throws sleeping bag at Monica on porch] Get up!

Monica

What?! My God.

Debbie

Holy shit! Monica?!

Monica

Deb. My God. You're a woman.

Debbie

What are you doing here?

Monica

Well, I'm... I'm back. I'm looking for Frank.

Debbie

He isn't here.

Monica

No, I know. I saw him. He wouldn't talk to me. I was hoping that you kids could help me out.

Debbie

You should go.

Monica

Okay. Maybe a cup of coffee before I go? I mean, it's kind of cold out here.

Debbie

Look, Monica, my baby got stolen, and I have to go get her back.

Monica

You have a baby?!

Debbie

Yes.

Monica

My God! I'm a grandma! [Hugs Debbie deeply] Oh!

Monica

Did you call the police?

Debbie

Yeah, like, 80 times. They're useless. DCFS too. They don't even seem to care that Franny got kidnapped.

Monica

What?

Kevin

Wow. Monica?

Monica

Hey, Kev.

Kevin

Hey. What brings you back?

Monica

It... was time. So, you staying here?

Kevin

Sleeping on the couch until I get over my two wives betraying me.

Monica

What?

Debbie

Long story.

Monica

No luck this morning, Debs?

Debbie

No. I miss her so much. A part of my body's been chopped off.

Monica

That is exactly the way I felt the first time they took Fiona from me. I screamed my throat raw. Tore my hair out. And I was on acid, but... awful.

Debbie

I didn't neglect my baby because I was on drugs. I'm a good mom. I would never do half the shit that you did to us. What are you even doing here?

Monica

And so... [Grabs baseball bat off wall] We are getting your baby back.

Kevin

Whoa, you sure you want to do that?

Monica

Nobody takes my fucking granddaughter.

Monica

[Walking to Delgado residence with bat and says to Debbie] All right, stand back, honey, 'cause it's gonna get rude. [To Delgados] Attention, residents! According to the bylaws of Public Act 94-704... [Smashes a window] The child is only granted custody to the grandparents [Smashes a flowerpot] only when the child's mother is deemed unfit by the court, [Smashes a window] which has not happened yet! Nor has the baby been... [Celia appears at door and she smashes a window] In any physical danger. Nor has the child's home been deemed hazardous by a social worker! [Smashes a microtreepot] So you have no legal right to keep Franny from her mom! [Smashes a flowerpot] So give us the fucking baby!

I'm calling the cops!

[Arrives with Franny in stroller] What the hell is going on?!

Monica

Give us the fuck...

Debbie

Franny!

Monica

I'm getting my motherfucking granddaughter back! [Points bat at Tanya] Get back, bitch! Before I knock those cheap extensions right off your head! [Debbie takes stroller with Franny running with Monica] Go! Go! Go! Go! You're gonna fuckin' burn!

Debbie

Hey, baby.

Neil

Oh, your breath smells like Pop Tarts.

Debbie

If you are going to be staying here temporarily, we need to go over the rules.

Monica

Oh, Grandma's little cabbage patch.

Debbie

First thing's first, there will be no drugs or alcohol in this house. DCFS is going to make unannounced visits, so nobody handles Franny who is not sober.

Monica

Mostly sober.

Debbie

No exceptions. Curfew is 11 p.m. which is also bedtime. No sex in the apartment. Anybody who eats the groceries needs to chip in on the groceries.

Frank

You know, it seemed like just yesterday you were at the homeless shelter begging for my help. And now, you scammed your way into your own home. I won't say I'm not proud of your ingenuity, but you might want to ease back on the Stalin-style home care.

Debbie

It's not a scam, Frank. Neil and I are in love. And he's brain-injured, not deaf.

Monica

Aren't they cute? Neil reminds me of that pet hamster Debbie had as a kid. [Frank chuckles]

Debbie

The one you killed in the bathtub. You remember that, Frank?

Frank

Yeah... that... it was a total accident. I was told hamsters could swim.

Monica

Mm. Debbie's in love.

Frank

Love is not supposed to be cute. Love is raw and destructive. Love is you almost stabbing me in the heart with an ice-pick when we were having an argument. That's the kind of passion you can't fake.

Debbie

Well, Neil and I don't need passion. Come on, Franny, let's go give Daddy a bath before Mommy has to go to work. [Wheels Neil away]

Monica

Bye, Franny. Bye, Deb. [Wraps arms around Frank] Our thrills don't have to end.

Frank

You goddamn right they don't. You and me, we are immortal.

Monica

So I want to show you my plan. I want to see your plan.

Frank

[Pouring out stolen goods on table] Oh. Motel orgy loot.

Monica

Frank, give Debbie a wallet. Or better yet, give her a ring. For their wedding.

Neil

I'm buying her ring.

Monica

Aww, that is so romantic. I lost mine years ago.

Debbie

You sold it for crack.

Frank

Let's see how this one looks on you, my love. I think it's a real diamond.

Monica

Wow. I wonder how much Raoul's gonna give us for it. We can't sell this.

Frank

Why not? It's the best of the bunch.

Frank

No. It fits like a glass slipper. That should never leave your finger. Monica Jean Darrgen...

Monica

Yeah?

Frank

Will you marry me?

Monica

But what about getting money for the kids?

Frank

Let's give the kids something more valuable than money. An example of real love.

Monica

And then we'll go back to work tomorrow?

Frank

Sure. Today we proclaim how we feel before God and the whole world.

Neil

Pretty sure the whole world doesn't care.

Debbie

Pretty sure God doesn't either.

Frank

Will you make me the happiest man in the world?

Monica

Um...

Frank

Come on.

Monica

Yes. [They both laugh]

Lip

She look dead to you?

Fiona

Uh, I only saw her for a second when they were putting her in the ambulance.

Kevin

She shit herself? People shit themselves when they die. That's why they put diapers on psycho killers before they give 'em the lethal injection.

Debbie

I touched her when they put her in the ambulance. She was still warm.

Kevin

Could have still been dead. Body only loses a couple degrees of heat an hour after you kick it.

Debbie

Really?

Kevin

Lots of things in the body are still alive. Hair, the skin, the nails, all the bacteria in your guts. And you don't start to swell up for at least a couple of days, and then your eyes pop out, skin falls off, then you explode.

Veronica

Kev.

Kevin

What? [Veronica motions eyes to senior woman across waiting room]

Gallagher?

Fiona

[Sighs] Yeah.

Monica your mother?

Fiona

Yeah. Um, Fiona. Philip and Debbie.

Hi. Your mother came in unresponsive. We made every attempt to revive her but we were unsuccessful.

Fiona

So she's dead?

Yes.

Lip

Drug overdose?

No, uh, she died from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. A blood vessel in her brain burst.

Fiona

[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!

Lip

Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?

Fiona

Where did you get all this stuff?

Carl

I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.

Fiona

Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.

Carl

You have a car?

Fiona

Mm-hmm.

Lip

She's a rich lady now.

Ian

Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.

Carl

Everybody, is scrambled all right?

Fiona

Yeah.

Veronica

[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.

Fiona

Nice!

Kevin

Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?

Debbie

Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.

Fiona

Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?

Lip

We can't just leave her there?

Ian

Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.

Fiona

Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.

Carl

Hey, I'll go.

Fiona

Really?

Carl

Yeah, sure.

Lip

I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.

Carl

What happened to the Alibi?

Fiona

Svetlana stole it from them.

Carl

How do you steal a bar?

Kevin

Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.

Ian

You are?

Kevin

I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.

Veronica

Not gonna happen.

Debbie

[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.

Ian

I mean, a hand's a hand, right?

Kevin

That's what I said!

Lip

Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.

Ian

Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.

Kevin

Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?

Neil

I guess.

Frank

[Appears in family room] Monica's dead.

Debbie

I know, we were there.

Frank

[Sits on couch] What's with the outfit?

Carl

School.

Frank

Is that Monica's stuff?

Carl

Yeah.

Frank

You're going through her stuff? What the hell is this? [Picks up key off coffee table]

Carl

Some key to an old apartment.

Frank

36 and Racine. That's that storage place. 36th and Racine. The shitty one that they stuck in the old Buick dealership.

Debbie

Monica had a storage unit?

Frank

This is it.

Debbie

Why don't we just use the front door, Frank?

Frank

Too many cameras out there. There's only one camera over the gate here. The 2884 on the key must be the code to open the gate.

Debbie

What the hell is going on, Frank?

Frank

Your mother told me she had something valuable for you kids but that it might be dangerous to try to retrieve it.

Debbie

Well, how dangerous?

Frank

Hard to say.

Debbie

On a scale of one to ten?

Frank

Said the DEA could be involved.

Carl

The Drug Enforcement Agency?

Frank

Come on.

Carl

Oh, fuck.

Frank

Debs, how old are you?

Debbie

16.

Frank

Too risky, the Feds could prosecute you as an adult. Carl?

Carl

15.

Frank

Really? You seem younger. Liam, you know your numbers?

Debbie

You're gonna send Liam?

Frank

Oh, he won't do serious time if shit goes down. Come here. Looky here. You see that little black box? It's got numbers on it, just like on a telephone. Go punch in 2884. What're you looking at them for? Go. It's okay. Go, go, go.

Frank

[Whispers] Get back. It may be booby-trapped.

Debbie

Jesus, was she living here?

Carl

If she was, she was living here with a dude.

Frank

Holy shit.

Debbie

What?

Frank

[Picks up sewing box and opens it to reveal several bags of meth] Your inheritance.

Debbie

Hello, sir. May I have your ticket?

I lost it, but I've only been here a couple minutes.

Debbie

Lost ticket pays full price, sir. $24, please.

I'm not giving you $24.

Debbie

We take Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.

I came in ten minutes ago, right there beside you. You didn't see me?

Debbie

No, sir.

Debbie

My job requires that I focus on the exiting vehicles. Have you tried retracing your steps, see if you can find where you may have lost your ticket?

I'm not retracing anything, bitch. Take the goddamn money.

Debbie

Please watch your language, sir.

My language? You want me to get out of this truck and fuck you up?

Debbie

No, sir. I don't. Because if you were to get out of your truck, I would have to tase you and then superglue your mouth and eyelids shut until the police arrive. Now, will that be cash or credit, sir?