[To Carl waking up from a nightmare] Keep your wet dreams to yourself, son.
CarlSaw an old lady get shot at the Ashcroft bus stop last night.
Who hasn't been shot at that bus stop?
Carl
I wanted to help her. It happened so fast. Bus driver wouldn't stop.
If you made ten bucks an hour, you wouldn't stop either.
Carl
You know, the streetlights were out.
Carl
Yeah, she said they were out for the past 15 years.
Carl
Why doesn't the city fix them?
[Chuckles] Oh, that's adorable. Can I wear this tank top?
Carl
That's not a tank top.
TNTV news reporter
Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
OOopie
[Setting down bowls of cereal] Here you go. A proper breakfast. The sugar in this cereal will kill you. In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you before your diet does.
Carl
Was that Mickey this morning?
Carl
Where's he been?
With a twink named Byron.
Carl
Twink?
You know, like Ms. Del Rey's kid. Yoga pants and glitter. Eh, not always. But yeah, sure.
So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people?
No. But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Carl
Shit. You're fսckеd, dude.
Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults. It'll be fine.
[Comes in door with Lip] Hang on to your wallets, everyone. Lip is here.
OOopie
Oh, there's my gorgeous niece. Prettier- mwah- than Megyn Kelly and smarter too. Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream. Megyn Kelly? A blonde news host.
She thinks Santa's white.
Carl
He's not?
Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning?
Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh?
I- I didn't leave him at the altar.
LLLiam and Lip
Yes, you did.
I mean... It was City Hall. We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
OOopie
You made the right decision. Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
No. The air smells...clean.
Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
Enjoy it while it lasts. He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? [Sets do Freddie in kiddie pen] Oh, there you go.
Who's wearing the white tux?
Carl
Take your meds yet?
Carl
Gonna be a stressful day.
Carl
You picking those up?
Carl
Frank walking you down the aisle?
Great. I hope he stays there.
Hey. I gotta go out for a bit. You take your meds yet? It's gonna be a stressful day.
All right. Hey, we gotta meet at the Bamboo Lotus at two for photos.
Carl
Hey, how much did these tuxes cost?
Um, Mickey rented them at some fancy place downtown.
Where's Mickey getting all the money for this?
FMFlashback Mickey
[Bursts into a room full of underwear-clad women in a drug operation] On the floor, mοthеrfսckеr!
I don't really wanna know.
Father Pete marrying you?
Father Pete's Catholic. Pope won't let him marry gay people.
But Father Pete's gay. Lives in the rectory with the organist with the nipple ring.
Carl
Wait. The organist at Saint Sebastian's got a nipple ring?
Reverend Sally's doing the ceremony. She's Episcopalian. They'll marry anybody.
[Referring to shoes Liam is holding] Yeah, those are nice, right?
Mm-hmm. [Mickey and Ian kiss]
[At bathroom door with Carl brushing teeth] You get them anything for the wedding?
Carl
Yeah. Edible boxers.
Not very imaginative. I wanna get them something special, but no money.
Carl
You can go in on the boxers with me. They got a honeymoon car?
Carl
A car you take to your honeymoon. Eh, they'll probably just stay at the Love Canal for the night, take a bus or something. [Sits on toilet] Hey, you might wanna... Mm-hmm. I'm gonna take a deuce.
No, sweetie. Hey, the wedding isn't till this afternoon, okay?
She wants to wear her flower girl dress again.
Why the hell not? She's only gonna wear it once.
[Chuckles] Okay, sweetie. Go on.
Uh, so... about last night.
Mm. [Sirens wailing distantly] Yeah. [Both chuckles] Cool. So... We gotta be at the Bamboo at nine for the flower delivery. And then the caterers are delivering the chairs and shit at ten.
So... You think your uncle's serious about shooting Mickey?
Serious as a heart attack. But he probably won't do it at the wedding. Too many witnesses. [Answers phone] He'll wait till Mickey's alone somewhere or walking to the L or... Holy sh- shit.
The Bamboo Lotus! It's on fire! Dude, it's on fսcking fire!
[Bursts out front door with Debbie, Ian, Mickey and Carl observing into smoke billowing in distance] Oh... fսck.
Carl
What the hell's going on?
Carl
The wedding place?
Hey, hey, hey, birthday Franny. Hey, look what I got you from work. They let us keep stuff if it's past its expiration date. There's so much stuff that just gets thrown away into a dumpster.
Oh, great job, man. Free old cereal.
[Carl comes in door] 5-0!
Hey, I'm unarmed! Don't shoot!
Carl
Ha, ha, ha, very funny, assholes. Now, if you'll excuse me, Imma go load these bad boys up with armor-piercing rounds so I can keep the mean streets safe for fuck-heads like you guys. Watch out, Chicago! You're going down!
How was your first day as a cop?
Carl
Pfft, seen more action playing Minecraft on the shitter.
[Eating cereal] This stuff is delicious.
As the Willis Tower. Fringe benefit of being the Alibi's chief quality control officer and weed sommelier. Gotta fuel up for a big day of pot purchases.
[Chuckles] I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna choke her with her cargo pants until she's dead.
Still won't put on the dress?
Won't put on her dress, won't brush her hair, won't brush her teeth, won't pack her own backpack.
Carl
Why can't Little Miss Sunshine wear pants?
'Cause it's not Little Mr. Sunshine, Carl.
Sounds like gender conformity.
It's not my world, Liam. I just live in it.
[Pulling up to loitering woman] Well, that must be our perp.
Carl
The loosie lady?
Carl
Yeah, she been selling squares out here forever. Is that illegal?
Carl
Look like she has a license to you?
[Leans into cruiser window] Hey there, Officer. Something I can get you? I got menthol and regular.
Carl
Oh, we're not buying. Uh, we just...
JMiss June
Gallagher. Any relation to Lip?
Carl
Yeah, he's my brother. [Laughs] He used to be my best customer.
JMiss June
I haven't seen that handsome face in a month of Sundays. Did he get busted again?
Carl
No, he actually had a baby.
JMiss June
Ugh! Them newborn babies is bad for business.
Carl
Hey. So look, unfortunately...
JMiss June
Y'all still live over there by the Washingtons?
Carl
You know the Washingtons?
JMiss June
Ooh, yeah, we used to...
[Using loudspeaker] Fucking move your ass! I catch you selling out here again, I'm busting your ass, and I'm taking you in!
JMiss June
[Walks away] Okay! Miss June respects the police. Yes, she does. All lives matter. Blue lives. Them blue lives matter. Especially them blue lives.
Carl
[To Leesie] I was doing it!
[Sets Saquon's hands on an overturned cable spool] See what we got. Officer Gallagher, can you do me a favor?
Carl
[Sighs] Yes, ma'am.
In the trunk, there's a machete. You mind bringing it to me, please?
Carl
A machete?
Yeah, my machete. See it?
Carl
Uh, yeah.
[Carl unsheaths machete and hands it to Leesie] You ever been to Iraq, Saquon?
No? Ooh, I loved it over there. I did not wanna come home. Now, in Iraq, you steal, you don't go to jail. Nah, they cut off your hand. Punishment fits the crime, see?
Carl
Leesie...
Gallagher, don't just stand there. Come here. Keep this bitch from squirming. [Carl wraps around Saquon's torso] It's gonna take a couple hacks for this hand to come off. Here we go. [Chops machete besides Saquon's wrist who screams] Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Look at me. This was just a warning. I catch you stealing again, this hand's coming off. Go home. Change your pants. [Saquon takes off running] Scared Straight ain't got nothing on my shit.
Carl
Ah, he'll be all right. It's not his first time getting questioned. He can handle an interrogation.
You can't just use your cop "get outta jail free" card? When I get in, I'm gonna try to grease the wheels of justice.
Do we have any triple-A batteries?
That's a big hole. Coulda just said he wanted to renovate.
Your brother's a fuckin' drama queen, man. Hey, scarf that shit down. I wanna go check on Terry. We have a lotta pick-ups today.
I don't know if we have time. We would if you stopped yappin' and started eatin'.
You guys remember I have a thing after school, right?
Carl
Wouldn't miss it, buddy.
What thing? Don't ya want your dad there, cheerin' you on?
Well, what is it, anyway?
A contest to pick a new name for my school. The winner gets a free iPad.
Why does your school need a new name?
'Cause it's named after Dennis Hastert.
Former speaker of the House of Representative. Native Chicagoan. And a child molester. He's canceled.
Canceled? You can't cancel history. It's already happened. Political correctness is gonna kill this country.
Uh, beside the point. We can't be applying today's sexual standards to... molesters of yesteryear.
Carl
Molesting used to be okay?
Dennis Hastert brought a lotta federal dollars to Illinois. I don't think I can just stand by while the PC police erase his legacy.
This is the hill you wanna die on, Frank? Defending a pedo?
Defending tradition, defending our shared history? Yeah. I'll die on this hill. This is a hill we all should die on together.
Come on. Hey, let's go. I wanna make sure they're takin' care of fuckin' Terry over there.
Carl
Uh, hey, could you look up something related to a recent arrest for me?
DSDesk sergeant
Sure. What's the name of the perp?
Carl
Um... Philip Gallagher.
DSDesk sergeant
Rookie, are you really asking me to break every protocol in the book so you can potentially interfere with an ongoing investigation involving one of your family members?
Carl
Uh...
DSDesk sergeant
I'm fuckin' with you. [Laughs] I misuse this system all the time. One of the perks of the job.
Carl
G-A-L-L-A G-H-E-R.
DSDesk sergeant
Hmm. No arrest yet, but they are seeking a warrant for his house. Just waitin' on a judge's signature.
Carl
Shit.
SSSergeant Stamps
Gallagher.
Carl
Ah, ma'am. Do you know who my new training officer's gonna be?
SSSergeant Stamps
Training officer? That's not gonna happen. No one wants to work with you on account of the Carl Curse.
Carl
Ma'am?
SSSergeant Stamps
The Carl Curse. Everyone who trained you ends up injured. You ever heard of a lucky rabbit's foot?
Carl
Yeah.
SSSergeant Stamps
You're the opposite of that. Now, not all bad news. I got you a new assignment.
Carl
What is it?
SSSergeant Stamps
They just walked in.
HDetective Hightower
Take off that uni and meet us outside.
YDetective Young
You're with Vice now.
Carl
Hell, yeah!
SSSergeant Stamps
God, how cool are they?
What the fuck?! Who fixed the drywall?
Carl
What's the problem?
Someone fixed the drywall. [Scoffs] Not it.
So that means we're not selling the house, right?
Did I repair the damage that some dumbfuck did to my kitchen? Yeah.
My problem? You're the one who's mentally unstable.
What, 'cause I want to sell the house?
Yes! It's driving all of us crazy. I mean, Liam, am I right?
For real. Are we selling the house or not?
This is why I haven't pooped in three days.
Yeah, and I had sex with a gay guy. And now I probably have AIDS. So thanks a lot, Lip.
How is it my fault that you had sex with a gay guy?
...
We are not selling the house.
We are selling the house, all right?! Everybody got that?! No more conversations, no more bullshit, we're selling the fuckin' house! Let's go.
Still probably don't have AIDS. Everybody's on PrEP.
Well, I'm sure I have something.
Well, syphilis, maybe. Gonorrhea. Lots of that going around.
Ah, relax. That's like saying you walked on the beach and you have sand between your toes. Should probably hit a clinic, though.
[Unfurling architectural blue prints in upstairs hall with Carl appearing] Oh, shit. You guys bugged the house, didn't you? Either way, you gotta have a search warrant to come in here. None of this is admissible in a court of law.
Carl
Frank, it's me.
Carl
It's Carl, your son.
Oh, shit. My God. I thought you were a real cop.
Carl
I am a real cop.
Carl
What is all this?
Suckers put money in retirement plans. Me? I planned the perfect heist.
Carl
What, are you gonna rob a bank?
"A bank". Please. The ICOE heist is special.
Carl
Oh, yeah? How so?
We're gonna rob the Art Institute.
AArthur
I'm surprised the captain didn't assign us the "Nighthawks." Half the force is out lookin' for that painting. Ever seen it?
Carl
No. Not that I can remember.
AArthur
I did once. Field trip in the seventh grade. Who do you think did it? The Russians? So they can hang it in Putin's secret billion-dollar palace just to screw with us?
Carl
The Russians?
AArthur
A heist like that takes finesse, planning. Russians are great at that sneaky stuff... Stealing nuclear secrets, elections.
Carl
Probably just some old man who wandered into the museum, saw something he liked, and took it.
AArthur
An old man? I doubt it.
Carl
Well, what would the punishment be for someone like that if they turn themselves in?
AArthur
Is the old man white and rich or Black or poor? If he's rich, he'll buy himself a fancy lawyer and get off with time served. If he's poor, accidentally shot during the arrest.
Carl
Poor people always get screwed.
Carl
You stay up all night again?
Carl
Yeah, I'm an officer, but what does that even mean? All I see is lazy cops who do nothing or hard-ass cops who don't give a shit about the community. It's like I don't wanna be either one of those, so what's the point?
Carl
Nothing. Never mind.
No, no. Look, I'm sorry, man, I do, I wanna listen to you, but could we do it another time? My brain can't switch gears right now.
Carl
[Walks away] That's fine.
[Comes down stairs] Jesus... loud! Early!
Yeah, well, I gotta try and get this finished.
Shameless · 903 quotes
