Lip[To Fiona] So you know Monica spent all the squirrel-fund money? I wouldn't have even had the cash to bail her out... if I didn't return a bunch of dolls I found in Debbie's room. The first rule you learn in this house, you hide the goddamn money.
Lip
Look at this place. The sofa is in the kitchen. For fuck's sake, she tried to get Ian to enlist.
Lip
What did you think was gonna happen, Fiona?!
Thought it might be different this time.
Lip
Well, how'd that Kool-Aid taste going down?!
Where is she?! [Goes to bedroom to find Monica on bed totally paralyzed from guilt] You could've gotten Carl killed! You tried to get Ian into the Army?! You promised me! [Pulls off bed sheets] Get out of bed! Get out of bed, Mom!
...
MMarco
[In a cargo crate in a shipping terminal] Get me out of here! Please! Help! Help!
Your sister's driving me crazy. I don't know what it's gonna take for her to trust me. Again.
Lip
Can you blame her? You know, you have a whole other family. First, your name was Steve, then Jimmy. You know, you disappear to Brazil. Come back married. You know, it's kind of a tough way to build up trust.
I really am trustworthy, though.
Lip
Yeah, well, you're gonna have to do something bold to prove it.
[Referring to Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.
I think he looks beautiful.
He has Down syndrome, Debs.
Lip
Yeah, and he's Asian.
Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.
Lip
What the fuck, Karen?!
I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.
Maybe it has something to do with the pillow on your face.
I gotta pay the property tax.
All right, come here, come here, come here.
Stop poking me with that thing.
Thought you liked me poking you with this thing.
What was I thinking? [Sighs exasperatedly]
[Fiona is in the shower and he sits on the toilet] Is this about the club thing?
I woke up having a panic attack that I was just like Frank and Monica taking our money, except I wasn't even getting high with it.
You know, you're gonna throw a kick-ass club night. You gotta be entrepreneurial, right? Invest in yourself.
Are you taking a dump right now?
Like clockwork, every morning.
What, I can't take a dump in here?
[Grabs towel] Not in front of me you can't.
Yeah, and now I'm out of the shower.
I wouldn't care if you took a dump in front of me.
[Sighs and opens door with Lip, Ian and Carl running frantically in hall] Oh! What's going on?
Lip
Frank drunk looking for a bed!
Lip
Debbie!
Lip
He's not hot-bunking my bed.
Why can't he sleep out on the porch? It's warm enough.
It's okay, Daddy. You can sleep in my room.
Lip
Wouldn't do it, Debs. He's especially ripe this morning.
Frank smells like dog piss.
Not dog piss! Gary the homeless guy.
Come on, Daddy. Sweet dreams, Daddy.
[Shoves him in chest] I'll hose it off after he wakes up.
Debs, don't let Frank in here anymore.
This is his home too. He disappeared for months. And now he's back. [Shoves her way past] Excuse.
...
Hey, Daddy. Brought you breakfast. And the newspaper. Good to have you home. Can you help me with my social studies project? It's on the civil war. Gotta build Lincoln's log cabin.
Too much noise. [Shoves her away] I need peace and quiet. I'm trying to sleep. [Debbie looks at him looking cheated]
[Lip is serving community service picking up trash]
GGrizz
Why they got you doing this, man?
Lip
B&E, theft, and assault.
Lip
You?
GGrizz
Hit a kid with a brick. Kinda broke his face.
Lip
Hey, how many hours you get for that?
Lip
Shit, man, I got 120. Least there's always someone with some weed.
GGrizz
Hey, got any weed?
10 bucks a joint. [Sells him one]
GGrizz
See, what'd I tell you? [High-end vehicles pull up and clean-cut youths get out holding potted flowers] What's up with the geek squad? Is that the fucking cast of glee? Yeah. Looks like a bunch of do-gooders. More like a bunch of gonna get their ass kicked-ers.
GGrizz
You ever shoot crack?
Lip
No.
GGrizz
Ever eat mescaline-laced mushrooms?
Lip
Nope.
GGrizz
Put a tequila-soaked tampon up your ass?
Lip
What? No, dude. I get it. I'm--I'm obviously not as cool as you.
CCasper
[Planting flowers and starts walking over] Smells good.
Lip
Yeah, it's, um, primo stuff. 20 bucks a joint.
Lip
Yeah, sure thing.
Lip
Lip.
CCasper
You live around here?
Lip
About four blocks over.
CCasper
[Takes a drag on join] Cool. [Coughs]
Lip
I guess. Where you from?
CCasper
Uh, Lakeshore. I didn't choose it, I was just born there.
Lip
What are you doing slumming it down here?
CCasper
[Chuckles and pinches up shirt] City youth. We're, uh, beautifying Chicago one block at a time.
Lip
Good luck with that. Those flowers, they're not gonna last about two hours.
CCasper
Just looks good on my tufts application. Admissions people are into you helping out the poor and shit.
Lip
Oh, sorry. It's okay. I'm not offended. Hey, uh, you interested in beautifying any other parts of the neighborhood?
CCasper
Anything to beef up my CV.
Lip
Think I may have something for you. See if I can work it out.
CCasper
Dude, hit me up anytime. I'm on Facebook. Casper Duncan.
Lip
[Shakes Casper's hand] You got it, Casper Duncan.
Lip
[Walks up to Mandy at her locker and squeezes her rear] Nice ass.
[Scoffs and shoves him] thought you were my history teacher Mr. Crouch. [They now walk down hall]
Lip
Well, sorry to disappoint.
Hey, how was community service?
Lip
Yeah, good. I met some North Side kids. Think I can make some dough off of them.
Lip
Yeah, gotta do what I can with my sister stealing a bunch of our property tax money.
Well, that was cunty of her. You know, you should be in charge of your family's money, Not Fiona.
MMrs. Mederios
Mr. Gallagher, just left Mr. Healey's office. Rumors about you two true? Said you were supposed to ask me for a recommendation.
Lip
Sure, in his mind, I was supposed to do that.
MMrs. Mederios
A letter of recommendation from a science teacher looks good on your college applications.
Lip
[Opens door to classroom] Bet it does. [Lip and Mandy go in classroom]
Lip
[Walks up to construction site foreman] Hey, uh, 'scuse me. What happened to all the meth heads squatting in here?
GGeorge
Who the hell are you?
Lip
Concerned neighborhood citizen.
GGeorge
Took me six months to get rid of 'em.
Lip
Yeah, I heard there were dead bodies in there too.
GGeorge
Yeah. Four, yeah. Coyotes got to 'em at one point. Gonna take me eight weeks to make it livable again.
Lip
Hey, how much you paying these guys?
Lip
Might have a better deal for you.
[Arrives at house to meet Veronica on front steps] Hey. What's going on?
Can I sleep here tonight?
Sure. [Veronica goes in house]
Lip
How'd you do?
It's gonna take a while till I start making money. Here. Almost all of it. I'll get the rest, I promise.
Lip
Ah, keep it.
Fiona What?
Lip
Well, if you're gonna gamble our money, you should hold onto it, right?
[Scoffs] I was trying to better our situation, Lip.
Lip
Oh, congratulations. You risked everything, and you didn't even break even.
It was my first time doing this.
Lip
That's not the point. You made a decision without consulting the rest of us.
I'm in charge of this family.
Lip
Really? No, sorry, that's- that's news to me. [Mandy appears from front door and leans on porch railings] You see, Fiona, if we're gonna be every man for himself, this family is going under fast.
Here, just take the money, okay? Pay the property tax. I'll get the rest tomorrow somehow.
Lip
No, I don't need it.
Lip
I took care of the situation myself.
Lip
Told a bunch of North Side kids that Wilco was playing at your party. It's like I said. The only way to make money when you're poor is to steal it or scam it , like Don King or Joe Kennedy. But hey, um, let me know if the rules are changing, right, And you're gonna pull this shit again? Maybe I'll have to take over the family money, huh? [He goes in house with Mandy]
Cancer? How did I get cancer?
You must have caught it from Grammy, son.
If she had known that she had the contagious kind, I don't think she would've spent so much time with you in the basement, cooking meth.
I hope not. But right now we have to fight and fight hard. You ready to fight with me, Carl? [Starts buzzin Carl's hair]
Why do we have to shave it?
Didn't you ever see any shows about cancer? Cancer people are always bald.
Grammy hated life. She wanted to die, but you love life. And one of the most important ways you can fight the cancer is to let the sunrays in through your skull.
Lip
Why are you shaving Carl's head?
Lip
Since when do you... parent?
Since you dropped the ball.
The vermin were literally jumping off his scalp.
Lip
Well, make sure you wash the sheets too, okay?
No, Fiona is not going to freak out, because Fiona is not going to know. You're a man now, Carl. The cancer makes you a man. And as a man, it's your job to keep secrets from the women who love you.
Jeez, I'm gonna look like a penis.
I'll get you a hat. I'll get you a hat.
Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?
[Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!
Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! [Pause of epiphany] That actually kinda worked!
Lip
You get those from the fireworks stash?!
Lip
Go get some more!
[Sees figure walking through smoke] Ian?!
[Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--
Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.
Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?
Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor! Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis! Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool! This yard smells like a sewer! I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me! And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today! Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison! So you wanna talk?! Fine! Grab a shovel! [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it!
You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.
Look at us. We are literally digging up a body! How do you even compare our situations?! [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona chuckles] oh, that's great! Walk away! That's a real pussy move! Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?!
PPatrick
Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. "GG" as I called her. You now, when the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes, I thought, what the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest. On this corner, her corner, where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.
No, no, no, son. "Turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution. In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker. Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.
PPatrick
We are at her funeral. You know, some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic, but Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, her old knees hitting that hard pavement again and again. Bertie Giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her. Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. She was a mean old bitch. But even a mean old bitch deserves a send off. Here, here. So this is us, Ginger, sending you off, right where you belong. [Pours ashes out in gutter] It's touching. I'm tearing up. Okay, kids, let's go.
Patrick. So Ginger had a will that we didn't know about, and you just had it sitting in a drawer?
And even though she hated your guts, she left our house to you?
PPatrick
It was never your house.
Lip
It's weird, you know, how she signed the will only a year ago, you know, her being an invalid and all.
PPatrick
Signed and notarized.
Lip
I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.
PPatrick
I gotta get back to my family.
Six kids with nowhere else to go.
PPatrick
Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe?
Lip
You want to tell them or should I?
Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.
There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.
Patrick wants to steal our house?
Lip
He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.
Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.
[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?
[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.
Lip
We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.
Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.
Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?
Lip
What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.
Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.
Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.
Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.
Option four. Kill Patrick.
It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.
Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.
So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.
You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?
Lip
Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.
All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.
Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.
Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?
Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.
This is why democracy does not work.
Shameless · 903 quotes
