There was that week in the summer of '95 that I did a lot of PCP.
You did PCP? Without me? You promised we would do that together.
Excuse me, can we get back to who lan's father is?
LipUh, uh, I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank. It really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.
Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?
All right. The results say that you, Frank are absolutely not my father. But my father is a close relative. Most likely one of your brothers.
Lip
He has two, right?
RRoberta
I think I met the one that sells smoked sausage and razor blades out of the trunk of his car.
[About their uncle] Look, he's going to be a douchebag, no matter who he is.
Lip
He can't be any worse than Frank.
Lip
Maybe he'll take you to a game or... you know, kick in some scratch for college, or give you a kidney. Hell, a birthday card once a year... that's a win, right?
If I get convicted, I can't enlist.
Lip
What? In the Marines? Good. I was planning on kneecapping you in your sleep to keep you out of Kandahar anyway.
I was hoping for Korengal.
Lip
Isn't that where, uh, Todd Iggulden's brother lost a foot?
Lip
Yeah?
And a handicapped placard to hang from the mirror of his mom's Civic.
OOfficer
Phillip Gallagher.
OOfficer
No relation to our favorite overnight guest Frank, I hope.
Lip
Son.
OOfficer
You're Frank's kid? And this is your first felony bust? Getting a little late start for a Gallagher, aren't you?
Lip
Slow study, I guess.
OOfficer
And Ian. Another Frank progeny?
Lip
'Fraid so.
OOfficer
You always let your brother speak for you, Ian?
Lip
He's mute.
OOfficer
So, what... you two geniuses stole a Porsche Cayenne and, what, decided to go on a little late-night White Castle run? Come on, Ian. You do not want to do time. Not with that face.
Lip
I stole the car. Ian didn't know anything about it.
Leave the lights off, please. Are Lip and Ian home?
You gave them a stolen car?
Yeah, Lip asked me. To borrow one 'cause he needed to run some errands or something, and he asked me if I could... I have to leave town.
Where the fuck have you been?
Come with me. Costa Rica. It's beautiful. I have friends there. Why do you have to go to the police? Costa Rica. We can rent a house on the beach.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
The kids would be all right. Lip and Ian can run things. Yeah, Debbie? Carl? Liam? Kev and V can still help around here.
Is that what you actually think this is? Like, people popping in, feeding dogs? How much time will you get if you turn yourself in?
Look at me. I can't go to jail. I might as well wear heels. Come with me, Fiona. How long is it gonna be about them and not about you? When are you gonna finally do something for yourself? Liam's two. 16 more years till he's out of the house. You'll be what, 37, 38? And who says that Frank's done dumping babies in your lap to raise? You deserve a life of your own. Costa Rica. Then maybe Rio. Have you ever been to Rio? You ever been outside of Chicago? I love you. I want to be with you. It's not forever. We'll come back. Three months. Six months. Maybe a year.You can call them very single day. Come with me, Fiona. Come with me. First class. Miami out of O'Hare, tomorrow afternoon.
Well, I don't have a passport.
We'll get one in Miami. I'll meet you at O'Hare tomorrow afternoon. the American terminal. I love you.
Lip
He's right. You should go, Fiona. You've done more than enough. We'll be all right.
[Lip comes downstairs to kitchen heavily bruised] Whoa, what happened to you?
Lip
One of my fighters pussied out. I had to fill in.
Looks like the pussy had the right idea. Get some ice on that eye.
[She comes downstairs] with a clipboard Good morning. We're out of mac and cheese. I can make PB&Js instead, but I'm gonna need more bread.
...
[Debbie pours herself a cup of coffee and Fiona objects pointing] Whoa, half a cup.
Exhausted. Liam had me up half the night banging his head. I need my own room. And I want a pony for Christmas. He's a boy, he should be with the boys.
Lip
No way, there's three of us in that room.
I'm a girl. I'm gonna be a woman soon. I need privacy to undergo the upcoming traumatic transformation.
Lip
Video in 5th grade.
Lip
Moving Liam into our room.
First daycare kid is here. My own room?
It's not gonna happen, Debs. Go, go.
Traumatic transformation?
Lip
[Showing a couple of brochures] What the hell is this?!
Lip
To West Point?
You're going through my stuff now?!
Lip
Ian, you just graduated the tenth grade!
I wanted to see what it would take to get in.
Lip
What, to West Point? You're kidding me? You're actually serious about this shit?
Well, I was in ROTC for two years, so what do you think Lip?
Lip
I don't know, I thought it was some kind of stupid fucked up adolescent phase, I mean you really want to get your ass shot off in some-some Stan somewhere?
Lip
Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan...
Lip
Fuck.
CEChicago El man
My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.
CEChicago El man
Like throwing money out the window. You should pick it up.
...
Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.
Have this one, King Henry. [They trade plates]
Lip
What was the final tally in the purse?
Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.
Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?
Lip
Um.... Kim Furtado.
I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.
That guy from your diary?
Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.
You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?
Lip
It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow. And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation. I read a lot.
Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.
In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.
EEthel
I can't wait to die.
EEthel
To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.
Lip
Hey, Fi, you know what you should do?
Lip
Here. Found her home number. [Calls phone] Tell her you found her purse. I bet she'll give you a reward. [Hands phone to Fiona]
[Lip and Karen are making love in the top bunk in the boy's bedroom]
I have something to tell you.
Lip
What? Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?
Lip
Oh, shit, sorry.
Lip
So, what'd you wanna tell me?
We can't have sex anymore.
Lip
What?
I'm pretty sure Jody's gonna propose.
Lip
Is that a good thing?
Can't believe you're cock-blocking Karen.
Lip
She has no cock. How am I blocking it?
Lip
What do you want? Huh? You wanna marry her? Be with her forever? I'm looking out for her. She's my best friend.
I'm your best friend. She's your fuck buddy.
Lip
You're my brother who should shut the fuck up.
Friends want what's best for each other.
Lip
This could be the best thing for Karen.
You know what's best for everyone?
Lip
The kid who wants to die for a country that thinks he's one of God's mistakes?
A shrink said I'm one of God's mistakes.
Lip
The girl has "whore" tattooed on her arm. She put my dick in her mouth.
Lip
You need to shut the fuck up.
So what? You get her to dump the guy, stick around for when Carl gets his first woody, so she can work him too? [Lip roughly forces Ian aside and walks out the room]
I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.
[To Lip] That's the Gallagher sperm. Ambitious, relentless-- everything we're not once we're born. Like heat-seeking, baby-making guided missiles. Won't be long before the whole country's nothing but Mexicans and Gallaghers. Son... it's time we had the talk.
Lip
Little late for that, huh?
Different talk. She gonna keep it?
Lip
Looks like it.
Big responsibility, being a parent.
Lip
Is that right?
That's what I'm trying to tell you. My philosophy. You got to let kids learn for themselves.
Lip
You mean, fend for themselves?
You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime. I raise fishermen. The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.
I know what's going on here. Saw it with my own boys. [Ian coughs] One of the lions has to leave the den. Strongest one's gotta push the other one out or eat him. Only one way to resolve this. Somebody's gotta bleed. Fight it out. See who's alpha wolf.
Lip
Won't last two minutes.
No knives, no guns, no bricks. Just fists.
Lip
Tomorrow?
Labor Day. I work till five.
Lip
Six, then. Under the 'L'.
[Lip and Karen are smoking in a school washroom with Karen sitting on a window ledge]
Lip
Uh, made a deal with Fiona. She'll blow her end, and I'll be back home chilling in a week.
I'm gonna give the baby up for adoption. Sometimes I wonder if getting high makes it easier for me to keep up with you or more difficult. I thought I was in love with Jody; I'm not. I thought it would be cool to have a baby and love it, but no, I suck at it. I thought about aborting it, but I'm this far along, and even though I don't want it, other people probably do. So I figure why not suck it up a few more months, vag it out and sell it?
Lip
"Vag it out"?
Well, the truth hurts, but it's still the truth.
Lip
Well, you know, if you are gonna let the baby live, maybe you should stop smoking weed.
Weren't Monica and Frank on acid the whole time you were in vitro?
Lip
Uh, shrooms, mostly.
Well, you want to go to some adoption agencies with me later? I need someone to play the dad, sign the paperwork. You could help me pick out a good buyer.
Lip
[Mr. Healey shows up] Oh! Mr. Healey, how goes it?
[Slides off window ledge] Later. [She leaves]
HMr. Healey
For goodness sake. [Takes cigarette out of Lip's mouth and soaks it in a sink] What the hell is this schedule you signed up for? Woodworking? Auto Repair? Welding?
Lip
Hey, I'm just trying to learn the skills that can make me a productive member of the working class, Mr. H. You as my guidance counselor should appreciate that.
HMr. Healey
You have any idea what it's like to be a guidance counselor in this shit hole? I get one National Merit Scholar every nine years. So there's not a chance that you're not going to live up to your goddamn potential.
Lip
Feeling very "O Captain! My Captain!" are we?
HMr. Healey
I had a teacher who took a special interest in me when I was about your age.
Lip
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He use a condom or...?
HMr. Healey
It was a woman, smart-ass. And she showed me the way out, changed my life.
Lip
Yet you still ended up in this job?
HMr. Healey
I had 22 years in the Coast Guard before I got here. And I retired a lieutenant commander.
Lip
Wow.
HMr. Healey
So you're gonna take Physics, Probability and Statistics, Advanced Chemistry. And you're gonna take the ACT, and you're gonna get into either Yale or Harvard or MIT on a full academic ride. Give me your hand.
Lip
At what point in your career did you realize that your name, Dick, had become a euphemism for cock?
HMr. Healey
Watch your mouth. The ice you're standing on is cracking all around you, Phillip. And I won't stand around and watch you drown. [School bell rings] Get to class.
Shameless · 903 quotes
