Frank Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Debbie

You okay, Daddy?

Frank

Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.

Debbie

I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.

Frank

Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.

Kev

You're lucky that's all that happened to you. Cartoons-- whole head explodes.

Frank

[Walks over to Dan at a table missing his right arm] Dan, my man.

Ha. Very funny, asshole.

Frank

Come on. I'm just messing with you. Look at us, we look like a couple of pirates.

Lip

What, are you freebasing lycopene now, you worthless piece of shit?

Frank

Why you got to be such an asshole?

Lip

Apple fell where you dropped it.

Sheila

[Sheila and Frank are ready to go out] Frank, you are always like that after sex. Seriously, you're like a little steam engine. Now come on, you're already late for work. Let's go. Come on. Come on. [A plane wheel crashes down and narrowly misses her, Sheila immediately reverts back to her agoraphobia and goes back into the house]

Frank

[Kneels down and clasps both hands in reverential gratitude to the higher power] Thank you. Thank you.

Frank

[To Lip] That's the Gallagher sperm. Ambitious, relentless-- everything we're not once we're born. Like heat-seeking, baby-making guided missiles. Won't be long before the whole country's nothing but Mexicans and Gallaghers. Son... it's time we had the talk.

Lip

Little late for that, huh?

Frank

Different talk. She gonna keep it?

Lip

Looks like it.

Frank

Big responsibility, being a parent.

Lip

Is that right?

Frank

That's what I'm trying to tell you. My philosophy. You got to let kids learn for themselves.

Lip

You mean, fend for themselves?

Frank

You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime. I raise fishermen. The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.

Frank

On the house? I'm in mourning.

Kevin

Freebies for family only, Frank.

Frank

Then start the mother of all tabs. Once Eddie's life insurance money kicks in, moderation's gonna be a thing of the past.

Kevin

Moderation?

How much you talking about?

Frank

City life. Got to be 50k at least. A toast, to Eddie Jackson. Who had the foresight to take care of those he loved.

Kevin

I wouldn't celebrate just yet, Frank. You're not the only one interested in Eddie's life insurance. Police are asking a lot of questions. [Motions head to two police officers questioning patrons in the bar]

Frank

So?

Kevin

Eddie was weighed down with a cement block.

Frank

So?

Kevin

So, everyone here heard Eddie threaten to kill you.

Frank

Threaten me, not the other way around. Murder's not my bag. I don't have the constitution. Blood makes me queasy.

And I didn't plant that pipe bomb down at the mosque, but it was on my route, so the pigs got a warrant. Never would have found the videos otherwise. I served 18 goddamn months. If Curtis didn't want his wife filmed naked, he shouldn't have left the blinds open when he took her out of her wheelchair to change her diaper.

You got any skeletons, Frank?

Frank

None that come to mind.

Kevin

Identity theft.

Frank

Simple misunderstanding.

Kevin

Endangering the welfare of a child, human trafficking, drug running, medicaid fraud, disability fraud, mail fraud...

The longer they look, the more they'll find.

Peg

[Holds up a jar] What's that? What's it look like?

Carl

A finger.

Peg

Yeah. [Holds up a gun] You can touch it, but never put your finger on the trigger unless you're gonna shoot someone. You like secrets? So do I. Hold out your hands. [Gives Carl the gun] Our little secret, all right?

Sheila

There are important decisions to be made. This money comes with responsibility Can you run downstairs and ask Jody for the paprika? Trusts, tax evasion, liquidity.

Frank

As soon as Eddie's claim is settled and that check comes, we have to--

Sheila

Frank.

Frank

What?

Sheila

I can't let you be in charge of Eddie's insurance money, sweetheart. You're an alcoholic.

Frank

I wasn't talking about me.

Sheila

Okay.

Frank

Did you think I meant me?

Sheila

No. We need a highly experienced professional.

Frank

Yeah, that's right. And for the record, many great men have been well-lubricated. Henry Ford, Scott Fitzgerald, David Hasselhoff... they all kept a bottle close.

Karen

Mom?

Frank

Beethoven's Fifth. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Kevin

Hey, listen, about the bathroom....

Veronica

Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Kevin

Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.

Veronica

What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

Sheila

Quiet, please.

Jody

Quiet, everyone.

Sheila

I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.

Jody

That's right, Mom.

Hear, hear.

Sheila

Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.

Sheila

People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.

Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?

Oh.

Sheila

And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Sheila

Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?

No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

Sheila

She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Fiona

Frank.

Frank

Let them work it out.

Sheila

And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Shut up, you batty bitch.

Sheila

You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]

Kevin

Shit! Shit! No!

Sheila

Do it! Do it!

Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people

Frank

Eat me. I say eat me. I'm done taking your shit, you got it? I am a grown man, this is my family not yours. You're a piss poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison. You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now.

Peg

Good for you, it's great to get that stuff out. Feel better?

You wanted to speak with me?

Frank

Yes, Officer Rodriguez, I think we may have a problem.

What kind of problem?

Frank

Well, uh, I'm not one to be a rat... but you might have released an inmate in error.

And who might that be?

Frank

Peggy Gallagher.

You mean Body Bag? That's her prison nickname. She was released on medical furlough.

Frank

That's just the thing. She's not sick. She's faking it.

Are you her doctor?

Frank

No, but I saw her in a kickboxing class today.

A 78-year-old woman?

Frank

I'm trying to do my part to preserve the integrity of our penal system.

She's old. She can barely walk. What threat could she possibly be to society?

Sheila

Frank?

Frank

My mother has cancer.

Sheila

The bad kind?

Frank

As opposed to? I'm gonna be an orphan.

Sheila

Well... things worked out for Oliver Twist. And Annie.

Frank

She found a way to abandon me one last time.

Sheila

The sun'll come out, just like the song says.

Frank

God, do you know how many years I've prayed for this moment? I'll be free.

Sheila

Well, this might not be nice to say, but if anyone deserves cancer, it's your mother.

Frank

Walked in on my mother and my sixth-grade teacher having sex once. That'll teach you not to play hooky. My mother's nipples were the size of sand dollars. She was on top, riding him. He's underneath, bucking like a horse who knows it's headed for the glue factory. She didn't even tell me to leave the room.

Debbie

Tell Fiona you're coaching, Jimmy?

Steve

Don't you tell her everything for me?

Debbie

Family first. Those of us with only one name find that easy to remember. Haven't told her about this, because I wasn't sure you were going to show up.

Steve

You know, I'm just trying to give back to the community, help some disadvantaged kids learn a great American sport.

[In Portuguese] He's said he's coaching football but no one is using their feet.

Carl

Yo. When do we get to tackle?

Steve

Soon. Take a knee. All right, boys. Football is all about who wants it more. When you tackle, aim low, hit hard! Who thinks they're man enough to take me down? Huh?

Debbie

You don't have pads on.

Steve

We're just... we're doing a walk-through. Okay? [Carl tackles Steve to the ground] Clean hit. I like it. [All boys laugh]

Frank

Oh... [sighs] I wish I'd had a girl coach. I'd totally tap that.

Yeah. I love long hair.

Frank

No, no, no. The one with the little brunette pixieish cut. Like a 1963 brunette Mia Farrow. No titties, all ass. Just sit and spin her all night long. Heaven.

I- I think that's a dude.

Fiona

[Gasps] Shit!

Steve

What's the matter?

Fiona

$1,000.

Steve

Mm, back to sleep.

Fiona

I can't breathe.

Steve

Maybe it has something to do with the pillow on your face.

Fiona

I gotta pay the property tax.

Steve

All right, come here, come here, come here.

Fiona

Stop poking me with that thing.

Steve

Thought you liked me poking you with this thing.

Fiona

What was I thinking? [Sighs exasperatedly]

Steve

[Fiona is in the shower and he sits on the toilet] Is this about the club thing?

Fiona

I woke up having a panic attack that I was just like Frank and Monica taking our money, except I wasn't even getting high with it.

Steve

You know, you're gonna throw a kick-ass club night. You gotta be entrepreneurial, right? Invest in yourself.

Fiona

Are you taking a dump right now?

Steve

Like clockwork, every morning.

Fiona

Jesus.

Steve

What, I can't take a dump in here?

Fiona

[Grabs towel] Not in front of me you can't.

Steve

You were in the shower.

Fiona

Yeah, and now I'm out of the shower.

Steve

I wouldn't care if you took a dump in front of me.

Fiona

[Sighs and opens door with Lip, Ian and Carl running frantically in hall] Oh! What's going on?

Lip

Frank drunk looking for a bed!

Fiona

Who the hell let him in?

Lip

Debbie!

Ian

We begged her not to.

Lip

He's not hot-bunking my bed.

Carl

Why can't he sleep out on the porch? It's warm enough.

Frank

I want my old bed back.

Fiona

Oh, hell, no!

Debbie

Up. Step, step.

Fiona

Morning, Frank.

Frank

This is my house!

Debbie

It's okay, Daddy. You can sleep in my room.

Lip

Wouldn't do it, Debs. He's especially ripe this morning.

Carl

Frank smells like dog piss.

Frank

Not dog piss! Gary the homeless guy.

Debbie

Come on, Daddy. Sweet dreams, Daddy.

Carl

Hey, that's my tent.

Debbie

[Shoves him in chest] I'll hose it off after he wakes up.

Ian

Debs, don't let Frank in here anymore.

Debbie

This is his home too. He disappeared for months. And now he's back. [Shoves her way past] Excuse.

Debbie

Hey, Daddy. Brought you breakfast. And the newspaper. Good to have you home. Can you help me with my social studies project? It's on the civil war. Gotta build Lincoln's log cabin.

Frank

Deb.

Debbie

Hmm?

Frank

Too much noise. [Shoves her away] I need peace and quiet. I'm trying to sleep. [Debbie looks at him looking cheated]

Steve

Frank, what the hell? I got that roast chicken for dinner tonight!

Frank

My house, my kitchen, my fridge, my chicken. [Referring to his Shorts#Daisy Dukes] I cut these too short. My balls are hanging out.

Steve

Yeah. [Walks away]