Frank Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?

Frank

No. Why- why would it be a problem?

If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude cunt.

Monica

There was that week in the summer of '95 that I did a lot of PCP.

Frank

You did PCP? Without me? You promised we would do that together.

Fiona

Excuse me, can we get back to who lan's father is?

Lip

Uh, uh, I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank. It really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.

Frank

Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?

Ian

All right. The results say that you, Frank are absolutely not my father. But my father is a close relative. Most likely one of your brothers.

Debbie

Dad has brothers?

Lip

He has two, right?

Fiona

Three.

I think I met the one that sells smoked sausage and razor blades out of the trunk of his car.

Frank

She gonna leave me again with six kids? Leave me to deal with all the shit?

Fiona

You mean leave me to deal with the shit.

Monica

I didn't leave you. You drove me out. No self-respecting person could stay with you. You treated me like a dog.

Frank

Hey.

Fiona

Hey. You need to let us raise Liam. I don't care what the tests results say, Liam belongs with us.

Monica

Nobody's taking Liam.

Frank

I can't believe you want a divorce.

Fiona

What?

Monica

Me and Bob deserve a family of our own.

Fiona

You had a family. You left it.

Frank

I didn't leave you. He drove me out.

Fiona

You should have protected us.

Monica

I tried but I couldn't. Fiona, if I didn't leave, I would have died.

Fiona

Oh, cut the shit, Myrna Loy.

Monica

You have no idea what it was like being married to him. You have no idea how bad it is.

Fiona

Yeah? Try me.

Fiona

Oh, come on, now. Okay. I know that he tortured you. I know that he ruined you. But we didn't marry him, Mom. You did. If you love us, any of us, in any way... you'll leave Liam, take your girlfriend' get in your truck and never come back.

Sheila

What's the matter with you?

Eddie

Did she tell you? Did she tell you what she said?

Sheila

You called our daughter a whore.

Eddie

How about what she did to me?

Sheila

Just get out. Out.

Eddie

What?

Sheila

Just get out. Get out! Get out! [She starts shoving him out of the house]

Eddie

Did she mention what she did to me?

Sheila

She's a human being. She deserves love, not hate.

Eddie

You weren't there. I knew all those people.

Sheila

Don't ever come back. Don't come back!

Eddie

She just kept going on and on.

Sheila

Go! Get out! Don't ever come back. Forever! [Eddie gets in vehicle and drives away with Frank walking by] Frank. Frank, did you see what Eddie did to my Karen?

Frank

You're out of the house.

Sheila

What?

Frank

You're out of the house.

Sheila

L... I got so mad I came out of the house. I'm out of the house!

Six months ago, guy fell off a scaffold at McNally Construction. He broke three bones. I could send you over there.

Frank

Sounds good, if it weren't for my fear of heights. What else you got?

How do you feel about metal splinters to the eye?

Frank

Not so great.

Okay, look. Are you up-to-date on your rabies shots?

Frank

No.

Okay, what about seared flesh? Yeah, Bobby's Bagel Joint is hiring. I got a gal, she stuck her hand in the boiling vat. She'll be collecting for at least 24 months.

Frank

Suppose if I had to. Anything else?

Okay. Here we go. These are the jobs nobody wants. The conditions are hazardous, unsafe... or both. You're guaranteed to get hurt.

Debbie

I don't like that you're getting hurt on purpose to make money. Isn't that cheating?

Frank

I prefer to think of it as helping.

Debbie

You do?

Frank

Yeah. When I collect workman's comp, some lady has to fill out the paperwork. That's her job. If it wasn't for me, she'd be unemployed.

Frank

Set 'em up, Mr. Barkeep.

Kevin

Just had last call, Frank.

Frank

So there's still time.

Kevin

All right. One.

Frank

Rot-gut. Cheapest stuff you got in the house. [Kevin pours him several shots in one glass at Frank's insistence] So, uh, Kev. Just out of curiosity, do you happen to know the age of consent in Illinois? [Kevin stares at him totally unimpressed and walks away]

Eddie

Where is he?

Kevin

Where is who?

Eddie

Frank. Frank Gallagher!

Kevin

He's not here!

Eddie

If you happen to see Frank... tell him he's a dead man. I don't care how long it takes, I don't care how much he begs, he's fucking dead. You fucked the wrong guy's daughter, Gallagher!

Frank

He gone?

Kevin

Yeah.

Frank

Anybody got a spare pair of shoes I could borrow?

Karen

[Referring to Sheila counting her steps] Won't be long now, Frank. In a few days, she's gonna make it to the store, the hair salon... Alibi Room, gonna meet your friends. Hear all those heartwarming, scumbag, freeloading Frank stories.

Frank

[Karen's boyfriend Jody pulls up on motorbike] Who the hell is that?!

Karen

Friend from group. [She gets on Jody's bike]

Frank

Group?

Karen

Sex Addicts Anonymous. Gig's almost up, Daddy Frank. [Pats Jody to go] Time to make other plans. [They ride off]

Frank

[Ranting to Kevin at The Alibi] Eddie goes to the corner for a pack of Luckies, never heard from again. Goddamn city couldn't wait to stop paying him. Wasn't two weeks before the checks stopped coming. And now what are we supposed to live off of? Sheila's single disability check? Then they go and pat me down. How does Mr. Osama-Obama expect us to survive on that?

[Bragging to his social circle at a distant table] He's gonna try to Tase me.

Frank

If Sheila does go to work, what's she gonna make? Minimum wage at best. Nobody's heard from Eddie?

He tases me.

Frank

Not a word. Man's got no sense of responsibility. Leaving a family of three to fend for ourselves.

Yeah, I got tasered twice, man.

Frank

[To the thug] Bullshit!

What'd you say?!

Frank

Uh... I said "bullshit". I got tasered for, like, a second, I crapped myself. There's no way you got tasered twice fought off three cops, ran away. Pfft.

What, you calling me a liar?!

Frank

At the very least, an exaggerator.

A grand says I did!

Frank

He's for real. Kev, you still got that taser back there? I'll see your grand and add nine more. Ten thousandin American legal tender says you cannot get tasered twice and not soil your tighty whities, much less keep standing.

All right, shithead. [Undoes his shirt] Do it. Do it! [Kevin tases him] Again! [Kevin tases him again] Fuck! [Thug is still standing unfazed]

Frank

What?!

Where's my ten grand, motherfucker?!

Sheila

Hi, Manny! Hi, Therese!

Sheila

[Calling outside house to Frank sleeping on couch] Frank...! Wake up! Frank, come on, I have something wonderful to tell you. Hurry, I've had an epiphany! [Frank opens door to Sheila holding up an eggplant] Frank... Do you know what this is?

Frank

Eggplant?

Sheila

Liberation.

Frank

No, no, no.

Sheila

Rebirth.

Frank

Not with all the king's vaseline.

Sheila

Freedom!

Frank

That won't fit.

Sheila

Frank... Fuck you, Gallagher. I made it all the way to Manny's produce truck today-- 214 steps. I went to just do my extra ten steps, and then I saw the eggplant and the rows of beets and the organic squash, and I just kept going.

Frank

Manny's pushing organic now?

Sheila

This is just the start.

Frank

The scourge of gentrification. Next he'll be Hawking that coffee grown in cat shit.

Sheila

Frank, I am shopping, I am part of the economy, I am myself again.

Frank

Here we go.

Sheila

Today... A grocery truck, tomorrow the world.

Frank

It's over.

Kevin

I always thought agoraphobia was permanent, like autism or AIDS.

Frank

She'll be out in the world, she'll go back to work, she'll learn the truth.

Kevin

That you're a raging alcoholic?

Who owes money to everyone?

Kevin

Who's had sex with her daughter?

Frank

It's not sex if you can't remember it.

Kevin

Well, then you're a virgin, Frank.

Frank

Gonna be out on my butt in weeks.

Kevin

Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?

Frank

I don't like them and they don't like me.

Tommy

Frank squatted at my place for six months. Finally bought tear gas, smoked him out.

I gave myself crabs to get him out of my place.

Frank

It wasn't the crabs, it was your empty fridge. Laugh, laugh. If laughing at me is good for your self-worth, laugh on. My gift.

Who the hell is it?

Frank

It's Frank Gallagher, Dottie.

Get off my property.

Frank

I brought your pasta primavera.

Eat shit, Frank.

Frank

Well, I-I would, but I recently went vegan. Honestly, Dottie, Antoine told us your news.

I've had some health setbacks myself.

Frank

Wanted to tell you the crew at the bar's thinking of you. Thought I'd bring your dinner over and tell you in person.

No lasagna left?

Frank

I grabbed the last one he had. Enjoying your night?

I'm watching one of those fat-people-hate-themselves- for-being-fat shows. Makes me feel healthy.

Frank

I love that show.

I hate fat people.

Frank

Did you hear a beep? Oh, guy locking his car.

Look, I'm missing my show.

Frank

Mind if I join you?

I haven't showered and I'm not gonna.

Frank

Makes two of us.

And it's not an invitation to stay. Couch, fat people show, leave. I'm not a bed and breakfast.

Frank

Roger that. There you go.

What's the deal, Frank?

Frank

The new me, Dottie. Just trying to help out, change my course, make amends.

You in AA now?

Frank

Oh, God, no. But I like everything about AA. Except the "no alcohol" part.

Thanks for fixing my toilet.

Frank

Sure I can't get you some pop?

Frank, my heart muscles are decomposing as we speak.

Frank

You want to pump up my triglycerides?

All right. All right. I could use some cool Ranch Doritos and some Zantac.

Frank

Like whiskey and a chaser, eh?

Frank

Those DVDs you wanted. They were 20 bucks each, but don't worry about it. It's on me. Terms Of Endearment. Misery. And Beaches starring that guy Bette Midler. One more thing.

What the hell's that?

Frank

An engagement ring.

It's a little small, don't you think?

Frank

They were out of big ones.

Who's it for?

Frank

You.

You're not serious?

Frank

Serious as a heart attack. Sorry, that was in poor taste.

You wanna marry me?

Frank

Sure.

I could get my new heart any time now. Live a long life.

Frank

Well, then, let's live it together.

Not sure I wanna get stuck looking at your mug.

Frank

I'll wear a bag over my head.

Sometimes you're funny, Gallagher. [Has a coughing fit] Who am I kidding, I might only have a few weeks if my pager never beeps.

Frank

Don't you wanna die knowing someone loved you?

You don't love me.

Frank

You're kinda growing on me.

Frank

What are you doing?

Jody

Lost Karen's ring.

Frank

Oh, man, that sucks.

Jody

I used all my savings to buy it.

Frank

[Starts walking up stairs] When I lose something, I like to say a prayer. Something's lost and cannot be found. Please, St. Anthony, look around.

Jody

Okay, you seen Karen?

Frank

I don't have a prayer for that.