FrankI met your friend Dylan's dad.
You tell him I can go on the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?
Frank
I looked the man up. He makes nothing. He creates nothing. He buys businesses, tears them apart, sells the pieces, and then discards the employees like trash. He's a legal thief.
[Serves him waffles] Here you are, Liam.
Frank
Thank you so much. He wants the companies to fail. The world's not just, Liam. No one's gonna take care of us in our old age. We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off. You know how to take photos with this?
What is keeping Carl? His bacon's getting cold.
Frank
What's with the boot?
I cauterized the stumps. They were still bleeding, so I went to the ER.
Frank
Waste of money. Cauterization has been used since the Egyptians were building pyramids.
So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?
Frank
Well... are we partners?
Frank
Okay, good.
I'm very proud to be your partner.
Frank
And your job, partner, is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time. After you get the code.
Frank
To turn off the alarm. And pics of their valuables and of the security system. One more big score, I can retire in style.
Frank
Marital bliss.
Hey. Just back for a shower and a quick change of clothes. Jesus. What happened to your toes?
It's no big deal. I asked him to. You get rid of the squatters yet?
No. Ford and Nessa are watching the building while I go to a lawyer thing.
Frank
Burn 'em out. It's the oldest trick in the slumlord's handbook, arson. You set a good blaze, they got two choices, run out of the building screaming or burn to death, and you get to the collect the insurance. Has anyone seen my other boot?
I'm not gonna burn my building down, Frank.
Frank
Why not? Being a landlord sucks. Tenants who won't pay their rent, toilets clogged with... massive after Thanksgiving turds... there it is. You need to get in touch with Pyro Paulie.
Frank
Paulie Paterniski. Best firebug on the South Side. I think he works at the Handy Mart now. Don't let his looks scare you. He had a trigger fuse on a bucket of jet fuel go sideways on him. The doctors used skin from his ass to rebuild his face. Ah... Fucking A, this one's to the workingman...
[before flashback scenes] Ah, for shit's sake, you again? Really, you forgot what happened on last week's episode? It was seven days ago. Drop the drink and get yourself to a fucking meeting,
Frank
Good morning, my day-drinking brethren. How's everyone this morning?
You smell like actual shit, Frank.
Frank
Uh, rye whiskey, V. Leave the bottle.
Can't pay with cans, Frank.
Frank
Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
And that's our recycling. I just put those out.
Frank
Right, and now I'm recycling them.
Frank
Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake?
[Cackles derisively] Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
Frank
Guys, can you spot me?
We fucking hate you, Frank.
Frank
V. Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray?
Wow, lowering the bar, Frank. Disgusting, Frank.
Frank
Every day. When options are few, the wise man adapts.
Fine. One pity beer. One. [Draws him a pint]
HHughie
You tight on cash, huh, Frank?
Frank
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
HHughie
I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
Frank
I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
HHughie
This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard. You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
Frank
For stolen signs? What's the catch?
HHughie
Just get paid to steal.
Frank
All right, thanks.
Frank
Let me ask you fine gentlemen, which of these congressional candidates look like you?
That's a gay Latino man and a semi-hot black woman, Frank.
Frank
Exactly. American men used to control everything. Look at a history book. We used to be the leading men. Now, we're marginalized. I attended a congressional debate this afternoon, and you know what I experienced? Reverse racism. It's all diverse gays and vaginas now. The tide is changing, gentlemen, and it's changing too damn fast, am I right? [Bar patrons chatter]
Frank
Give me a beer. I'll tell you something else. They're trying to take the Old Blue Brewery away from us. They wanna convert it into an LTGB-E-I-E-I-O, or a--a goddamn African Art gallery?
Frank
We need a candidate of our own, boys. A bright, shining beacon of hope. We need someone who will promote and protect our values. Someone who'll make sure our culture doesn't disappear. Someone who sat on a barstool and stared down the gun barrel that is the working class experience. But who?
Frank
He did? Are you sure? He did- somebody check. Did he die?
BPBar patron
[Checking phone] Uh, says here he's alive, just retired.
Frank
Well, that's perfect. Mo White is a genius idea. He was a true American congressman. He loosened the liquor license rules so that the Irish would have some place to drink. He helped rebuild Comiskey. He put in bocce for our Italian brothers.
BPBar patron
A- and- and horse-shoe pits.
Frank
That's right.
Didn't he keep the Chris Columbus memorial from being torn down?
Frank
You bet your ass he did. Mo White is a friend of the South Side. We gotta find Mo White and write White in. [Frank] We need seed money for his campaign. [Grabs peanut bowl and holds up dollar bill] Ten bucks. I'll go first. Give me that. Ten bucks. Everybody, ten bucks. What do you say? Come on, yeah. The fundraising starts right now. The campaign pot is coming around. Hey, let's make Chicago white again.
Frank
[Chuckles and starts chanting] Mo White... [All bar patrons join in chanting] Mo White...
[before flashback scenes] Fuck you guys want?
What, you guys miss last week's episode?
Eh, we should probably show it to 'em.
Um... The fuck you doing?
Frank
[Arrives with Mo White campaign signs] Good morning, my indigenous South Siders! Don't mind me. Just showing our support for a better tomorrow. [Starts planting a sign on the lawn]
Shim. God. But God doesn't have a gender, or maybe it's both genders, so she, him--Shim. Mother-father God.
And you're waiting for Shim to...
Talk to me. Tell me what to do next.
Used to all the time in jail, but since I've been out, nothing.
Frank
That's because it never happened. Shim, a higher power, the great I Am, Great Spirit-- call it whatever you want-- but it ain't talking to you.
And we weren't talking to you.
Frank
Enlightenment, or whatever these new-fangled hippy-dippy religions are selling, is a waste of time. Gay Jesus, Taoism, Scientology, Christian Science, Joel Osteen, Deepak Chopra-- It's like going to one of those flaky schools where the students create their own curriculum, then don't get graded on it. Religion isn't a startup, Ian. You want God to talk to you, you gotta stick with the classics: Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity. And if you break the rules, you burn in hell for all eternity. And there's your enlightenment. In the meantime, I shall be saving the South Side from the endless caravan of immigrants. [Walks away]
Frank
Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher, and, uh, that's Mo White. He's running for Congress.
Frank
And what is your name, if you don't mind my asking?
EEvelyn
Evelyn. Evelyn Thomas.
Frank
Well, Evelyn, the reason we're here is that Mo is a proud South Sider, just like yourself. He grew up two blocks from here, over on Halsted, in what is now a crack den.
Frank
And the point being, Evelyn, it's time for us to take pride in the South Side, and that starts with good people like you.
EEvelyn
Sir, I don't give a rat's ass about the South Side. I don't even have a damn job.
Frank
[Laughs] I don't either, which is why we need Mo White in office! Right, Mo?
Frank
Mo wants to bring the jobs back to the working people in the South Side, the people whose parents and grandparents built this city! Pride is what made the South Side safe and strong, and that all starts with one thing, which is what?
Frank
A job. Bingo. Would you mind if we put a sign on your yard to show your support for Mo?
EEvelyn
Yeah, I guess that'd be okay. Sure.
Frank
That's the South Side pride I'm talking about.
EEvelyn
All right. South Side pride.
Frank
You bet.
EEvelyn
I like that. Yeah, okay. Okay.
Frank
Oh, sorry. $10, please.
Frank
Uh, any contribution is gratefully welcome. Uh, we suggest 10. Uh, some people are doing $20.
[Clutching side] I'm not feeling so good. Think I'm coming down with something.
Buddy, it's not happening. You're going to school. Go.
It's a waste of time. I'm not learning anything. Can you just homeschool me?
[To Xan] No coffee. Milk or juice.
All the famous people are homeschooled- Leonardo da Vinci, Abe Lincoln, Justin Bieber.
I don't see you painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anytime soon, Biebs. Go.
...
Hey, Carl, how much longer those dogs gonna be dying down there?
Well, tell God to hurry the fuck up, all right? The whole house stinks.
I'm providing an essential service to below-the-poverty-line animal lovers while racking up on community service hours for my West Point application. It's a win-win.
Frank
Hey. Military service is for losers.
Spoken like a true patriot. And I'll be proud to protect your Constitutional right to be an asshole, Frank. What's with the outfit?
Frank
Got to hit the stump with Mo. Tomorrow's election day. We're fighting for the under-represented Caucasian male.
I think you're on the wrong side of history on this one.
Frank
Oh, I know Mo probably isn't gonna win.
Frank
But democracy's about fighting for what you believe is right. And rounding up as much campaign contribution cash as possible. Mo isn't taking money from lobbyists and corporate elites. Only small donations from the local citizenry.
'Cause nobody with any sense would want to support a pedophile.
Frank
Au contraire, fruit of my loins. No less a luminary than the president of these United States supported a candidate of questionable sexual history in regard to the chasing of underage tail.
How much you getting paid, Frank?
Frank
I take a small stipend, as is the custom for campaign managers.
Might not want to wear that shirt out of the house, Frank.
Frank
Mo, where you been? I've been looking all over for you. Today's about getting out the Mo vote and rounding up a few more campaign contributions while we still can. Bus'll be along any minute. You okay?
Did you see the polls in the Tribune this morning? They have us at six percent, Frank. Six. I didn't get back into politics to be humiliated.
Frank
No, no, no, you got to look at the glass as half-full. The Tribune had us at three on Saturday. You've doubled your support in two days.
Frank
Every little bit helps to save our South Side, Mr. Nowakowski. Most people give a 20, but a 50 would make youa true American patriot. Thank you, sir. Thank you so much. Oh, this is a-a $5. Did you think it was a $50? [Glances across street] Oh, fuck.
[Speaking to a gaggle of junior high school girls] Washington is a fascinating place. Incredible opportunities for young student citizen interns. Hello, girls.
Frank
Oh. Well, it's--you're too young to vote in this election, but you make sure to register the minute you hit puberty. Okay? Off you go. [Chuckles] Off you go. [Students walk away]
Frank
That's not how you say it, Mo.
Frank
Those hairy-armpit Rastas are tougher than they look. [Chuckles] Hey. Fought the good fight, Mo. You got nothing to be ashamed of.
[Mo White supporters start cheering around TV]
FTFemale TV newscaster
In a shocking development on the South Side, and with all polling locations now reporting, Maurice "Mo" White is the surprise victor...
Frank
Holy shit, Mo.
FTFemale TV newscaster
...collecting just over 52% of the votes cast.
MWMo White supporters
[Chanting] Mo White...
Frank
You won.
FTFemale TV newscaster
Pollsters admit that estimates were likely skewed due to the reluctance of most voters to admit they're actually bigots.
Frank
You're a congressman again. What are you gonna do?
MWMo White supporters
[Chanting]Mo White!
MWMo White supporters
[Chanting] Mo White!
Absolutely nothing. That's the beauty of being in Congress. You don't have to do a goddamn thing.
Hey. What you doing up there?
Putting away my stuff till I get back. Hand me those bags.
You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.
Well, I don't think I want to do anything.
Ah, come on, we got to do something. It's your last day of freedom.
Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house. You heading into the shop today?
I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours. Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans?
Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence. What's a sober companion?
I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.
Frank
Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.
We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.
Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.
Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.
He doesn't want to do anything.
What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway?
Frank
[Walking down hospital hall passing a woman in a wheelchair] Oh, look at that, someone got some pretty balloons!
MPMan pushing wheelchair
The hell?!
Frank
[To Liam handing him a stuffed bear] You can't visit the mentally ill empty-handed. Hey, Baxter, what's shaking?
Frank
[Softly chuckles] Hey!
Frank
That's because my Monica died!
Frank
Yeah!
BBaxter
I am so sorry, buddy!
Frank
Thanks, but it's gonna be okay! Got a new lady!
BBaxter
Hey, good for you!
Frank
[Starts moving around furniture] And by my calculations, she should be finishing up her 72 hours today. So my son and I are just gonna hunker down until she gets released.
BBaxter
Wait, this is Liam?!
Frank
Yep!
BBaxter
Wow. Last time I saw you, you must have been two years old, just talking up a storm!
BBaxter
Yeah. Hey, listen. I remember your mom's face just always lit up every time she saw you when she got released from here.
Sure it wasn't the Thorazine?
Frank
Hey, Baxter, could I get the, uh, remote?
[Gibbering man wheeled out door in wheelchair]
Frank
Is that my Jen?!
No, it's just some crazy dude. What's so special about this chick we're waiting for, anyway?
Frank
Well, son, it's a great gift in this life to know what you're good at. And, uh, I'm good at crazy. I'm a caretaker to it. Makes me feel needed. It's how I felt with your mother. Plus, it's never boring. Look at this. [Takes off shoe and sock showing burn scar on foot sole]
Frank
[Laughs] Monica. I was asleep. Decided she was gonna light me on fire, one body part at a time.
Frank
Hard to say with a crazy person. That's the thrill. You never know what you're gonna get, moment to moment. Thankfully, she passed out before she could torch the rest of my body. I'd given up trying to find excitement like that again, till now. I'm gonna get some more of those, um, fudge stripes, and then I'll tell you about the time Monica shattered my kneecap with a pool cue. It was the best sex of my life.
I'm just, um, reorganizing my books by years of publication whi- whi- while learning Italian. [Laughs and haltingly speaking Italian]
Frank
Neat. I- I heard a, uh- a big crash in here. Did something break?
Frank
No?
No, I, uh- I made a snack over there, if-if that's to which you are referring.
Frank
Uh... maybe it's time for us to get some shuteye.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I c- I can't abandon my project. That is a fool's game. Winners finish projects.
Frank
Honey, do you feel all right?
You know, I made a savory snack. A nice big piece of Brie with some crackers. You want some?
Frank
Uh, I'm okay, but thanks.
[Picks up knife, lunges to Frank holding knife at his throat] Eat the Brie.
Frank
Evening, my nightcap-swigging brethren. I'll take a Jamie, double-double. Heavy, heavy pour.
[Monotone] Rocks or neat?
Frank
Well, Jesus, when you say it like that, neither. What's wrong with you?
Frank
Oh, yeah? Me too, Kev.
Since when do you have a lady, Frank?
Frank
Well, it's fairly recent, but we're going strong. She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness, so I had to step out, take some me time while she gets her fire danger level from "catastrophic" to "low-moderate," but damn... her blaze is a glorious thing to behold.
[Hands drink'] You didn't answer me, so... I made it neat.
Shameless · 903 quotes
