Frank Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Frank

Good night, son.

Liam

You get the light? Read to me.

Frank

Why would I do that?

Liam

Other kids' parents read to them at night.

Frank

Oh. Right, that's a... that's a thing. [Picks book off table] Uh... "The victorious strategist seeks battle after the victory has been won, while he who is destined to defeat first fights and seeks victory afterwards." Hmm.

Liam

Are we at war?

Frank

Yes, we are, son. You're, um... probably a little young for this, but I'm gonna plant a seed here. Those rich, white, liberal parents at your school were once radicals. Rebels. Renegades. At some point, they fell in step with societal expectations and became robots. So when they look at us, loudmouthed, antiestablishment, unafraid to confront the power structures, they feel alive. So... we gotta take advantage of that. Right?

Liam

Right.

Mr. Gallagher, a word. Liam failed his exam today. He only got two out of ten questions correct.

Liam

I didn't understand the questions.

Frank

What kind of questions are we talking?

Basic word association. "Jennifer blanked the glue and finished her project." The choices were "applied," "kicked," or "sliced." Liam scribbled them out and wrote "sniffed."

Frank

Well, technically, it works. What else you got?

"The front door is to the foyer as the back door is to..." The choices were "sidewalk," "kitchen," "street." He wrote "penis."

Frank

How the hell would he know what a foyer is? What are we, the Rockefellers?

These questions are standardized across the private school curriculum...

Frank

To favor the students who understand the references. This is cultural bias. You'll put his face on your brochure, but you ignore his background.

I understand your concerns, Mr. Gallagher...

Frank

Great. What are you gonna do about them?

Kevin

Have you guys ever experimented? Like in chemistry class?

Tommy

I took shop.

Kermit

Me too.

Kevin

No, not a chemistry experiment. But, like, you know... sexually?

Tommy

No.

Kermit

Nope. You mean like rolling her over?

Kevin

No. Forget it.

Tommy

Jesus! Who died?!

Frank

Gotta look sharp for my Employee of the Month portrait session. Just another rung up the ladder, boys. Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.

Frank

Adeeb's not joining us?

I'm- I'm sorry to say no. Um... Mr. Singh was let go yesterday.

Frank

Chuck, if I may, this is not easy for me. Adeeb was a dear friend as well as a colleague. He took a chance on me. In a way, he gave me a new life.

He was first rate, all right. So you can understand that... though I am flattered... and yes, ready to step into his place, I do it with a heavy heart.

Frank

I'd thought it would be a while before I replaced him.

Frank... you have the wrong idea.

Frank

Is that so? Well, if this is a... a move to corporate...

I'm here to let you go, too.

Frank

What?

Today is your last day.

Frank

I- I don't understand. I'm Employee of the Month. What did I do wrong?

My gosh. Nothing. Nothing at all. You were the model employee. Corporate is shutting down the store. Half the stores in the country, actually. See, the Internet gutted us, like a... an alien popping out of our stomachs and eating our brains. I'm working my way across the country like the Angel of Death. And once I finish burying Spokane, there'll only be one man left to fire.

Frank

Who's that?

Myself. I wish you luck, my friend.

Frank

Thank you, Chuck. But men like us... We land on our feet. We're diligent, dependable, honest. We got gumption, cando spirit. Temporary setback at best.

Right.

Fiona

What the fuck?!

Ian

Morning.

Fiona

No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...

Fiona

[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!

Debbie

Think we should do something?

Carl

She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Debbie

He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?

Carl

He does.

Debbie

So we shouldn't do anything?

Frank

Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.

Debbie

Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.

Frank

No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.

Debbie

Wait. You got fired?

Frank

I did not get fired.

Liam

Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?

Carl

Permission granted.

Debbie

Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.

Carl

I still need $3,527 for tuition.

Frank

Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.

Brad

[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.

Frank

Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.

Debbie

Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.

Frank

No luck needed, Debs.

Brad

[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!

Debbie

Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!

Brad

God

Frank

Fucking unbelievable! That's what it is.

Kevin

What is, Frank?

Frank

This United States of America. I played by the rules. I gave my life, my blood, sweat, and tears to that job. Paid my taxes...

Tommy

For a few weeks.

Frank

Colored inside the lines. Didn't roll through the stop sign. And where did it get me? Up the ass, that's where. Right up the ole poop shoot. I was moving up in this world. And now? I'm a 50-something adult white male with a couple of years of college and managerial experience, and the only thing available to me is minimum wage! The system is fucked! Give me a shot of Jamie. And leave the bottle. The America we knew has ditched the party and turned the lights out, boys and girls. And left us white guys in the dark to fight each other over the few crumbs left behind by our masters. Am I right?!

You think you're having a shit day, pal? I'm being deported next month. Been here 25 years. I was a translator in Iraq during the goddamn Desert Storm. Now they're kicking me out. Because of a fucking speeding ticket. I tried to flee up to Canada, but they stopped me at the border, wouldn't let me in, sent me back.

Frank

Wait, you're trying to get out of America?

Yeah.

Frank

Jesus, that's a piece of fucking cake.

Yeah, maybe for a white guy.

Frank

[Extends hand for a handshake] Frank Gallagher.

Akram.

Frank

Akram, my friend. This could be your lucky day.

Frank

Team, if I could have your attention. Thank you for being here this morning. I want you to know that just because you look like terrorists, doesn't mean you should be treated like 'em. Until America can distinguish between good brown people and bad brown people, it's my goal to get you all safely across the border into Canada. Shh, shh, shh. Discretion, right? You can all thank me later when a big bull moose is slurping an ice cold Molson right out of your butthole! Okay, not an alcohol and sex kind of a crowd.

Fiona

I don't even wanna know what's going on here, Frank.

Frank

Entrepreneurship, Fiona.

Frank

Okay, here we go.

Hey, Frank.

Frank

How are you?

Can I get three Advair discs?

Frank

You bet. Bobby Junior'll be breathing easy in no time, Grace.

And it's costing me half of what it costs down here?

Frank

Yes, sir.

All right, give me three months' supply of Januvia, 100 tablets of Diovan, 10075 milligram pills of Praluent and you might as well throw in two EpiPens.

Frank

Jesus, all that's for you, Lionel?

I'm a walking medical disaster, Frank.

Frank

Well, that's why God invented Canada. Okay, everybody, get your orders in. Now, I'm giving you all a low, low special introductory price. I can't be so generous with my fees next time. You ready, Mauricio?

Yeah.

Frank

Okay, you take a stool softener with all that Vicodin. You don't wanna end up dead on the can like Elvis.

What's Canada like, Mr. Frank?

Frank

Well, it's wilderness as far as the eye can see. Filled with maple trees that have an endless supply of magical syrup in their trunks.

I would like to try magical syrup.

Frank

You will, Fatemeh. You will also receive a pound of Canadian bacon, a pair of ice skates and a gift card to Tim Hortons as a welcome gift.

Wow.

Wow!

Frank

If you thought Lady Liberty had a lot to offer, wait till you see what the lumberjack country has in store for you. Health care for all, marriage equality for gays, legal hookers for the asking.

I think I will enjoy Canada.

Frank

The Canucks can be a boring people, but every now and again, Mother Canada spits out a halfway decent talent like Bill Shatner, Celine Dion, um, Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber.

I would like to meet Justin Bieber.

Frank

Anything's possible. That's why Canada's called The New Land of the Free.

Frank

You guys actually do wear those hats. I thought that was only in cartoons.

So you 'fugees come here, pick up some Invokana, Advair, EpiPens, smuggle it back.

Frank

Hey, we're servants of a just cause, huh? Health care in the States rapes the elderly and the poor. Our way's the only way some grandpa's not gonna keel over from leukemia before his 90th birthday. Or a kid in some tenement doesn't stop breathing after a peanut butter sandwich.

Lot of cash. How much were you planning to buy?

Frank

Well... what do you say you just drop us right up here, you hold on to the stash for some Tim Hortons? No harm, no foul.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. I'm gonna pretend you didn't just attempt to bribe a member of Her Majesty's Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Frank

How 'bout you pretend you didn't just arrest us? This poor homeless man needs asylum from the war-torn streets of Aleppo. The United States turned its back on him.

I'm a computational biologist at Loyola who overstayed my visa.

Frank

I'm soliciting empathy, Muhammad. Nobody likes a braggart.

It's Rami. Sounds nothing like Muhammad.

Frank

Ow! Ah! Jesus! Ah!

What was that?!

Frank

The fuck?! [Sticks head out of window to determine cause of accident] That, Mr. Computer Biology, was a gift from Allah. Let's go. Come on, come on, come on.

[Referring to officers] Wait. Are they dead?

Frank

Uh... Let's go.

I need to rest. I think I busted my knee.

Frank

It's not swollen enough to be busted. It's probably just bruised. And men on the battlefield don't let something like a little busted knee stop them. You want freedom? It doesn't come with R&R. Freedom means arms severed and legs blown off. Every soldier has the scars of battle.

We're not soldiers! We're fugitives. My wife and I just had a son. I was planning on getting settled in Montreal and then sending for them. And what if I die out here tonight and never see them again?

Frank

Well, if you died, you'd have the respect of your son. He'd be able to say that his dad did everything to give him a better life.

Frank

You may be an asshole and a know-it-all and a pain in the ass, but you're a hero to your family.

Thank you, Scout Master.

Frank

It's Frank. All right, you get some rest. I'll take the first watch.

Ian

It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.

[In unison] That's right. That's right.

Ian

We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...

Fiona

Jesus, listen to that.

Kassidi

[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]

Frank

"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.

Liam

How?

Frank

Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.

Fiona

[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?

Frank

Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.

Ian

We all have the Trinity inside of us...

Ian

Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.

Pleasure.

Fiona

[Shakes his hand] Hi.

I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.

Ian

No, it's just 'cause of that video.

No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.

Ian

I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.

Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]

Ian

How's the new place?

Fiona

Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.

Ian

Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.

Fiona

So why not quit if you hate it so much?

Ian

I don't. Just... trying to manage it.

Carl

[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.

Fiona

Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.

Ian

Don't marry her.

Carl

I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.

Fiona

Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.

Frank

Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.

Ian

The fuck is this, Frank?

Frank

Son, I don't think I've articulated how impressed I am with your recent endeavors. I knew you were talented, but...

Ian

"The Church of Gay Jesus." Is this a jumbo shirt?

Frank

To reach the masses, you've got to embrace merchandising to take your brand to the next level. How about t-shirts proudly displaying your message?

Ian

Well, I- I don't have a church. And I'm not fuckin' Jesus.

Frank

Tongue in cheek, son. When you repurpose a- an iconic logo for the- the sake of kitsch, you present an ironic critique of American consumerism. And if that logo just happens to resemble a... giant, throbbing penis, what could be more counterculture?

Ian

It looks like a hot dog. And the lettering sucks.

Frank

Revolutions don't come wrapped in a cute ribbon. You want to bring down power structures? You want to get in the face of people who are peddling corroded ideals? You need a uniform that screams authenticity. We didn't pay Chinese factory orphans three cents an hour to make these. No, this is our living room. Our hands. Our sweat. Talk about grassroots.

Ian

I have a meeting tonight at Trinity and Life Evangelical. You can hawk your shit there, but everything you make has to go to Trevor's kids.

Frank

Come on! This is my retirement fund. Twenty percent. Thirty? Okay, 95 percent, and we appreciate your business.

Frank

Hi. I'm retiring. I'd like to start receiving my Social Security benefits.

Hmm. I'm sorry, Mr. Wessels. It says here you're already collecting your benefit.

Frank

What? How can that be? Are you suggesting someone has stolen my identity, committing fraud?

It's a possibility, yes.

Frank

Oh, my God.

Frank

I'm number nine. Sorry. I was in the bathroom. Prostate, you know. Size of a basketball. Hi. I'd like to start my benefits.

Um... Mr. Ramirez? It says here you're dead.

Frank

Uh, I'm-I'm number nine.

Hi.

Frank

Can you... tell me what my benefits would be if I were to retire right now?

Of course. Um, Mr. Gallagher, it says here you only worked six weeks your entire life.

Frank

Well... if you mean a "formal job", yes, but I... I've had various enterprises that contributed significantly to the economy.

Mm-hmm. Well, as it stands, this will be your monthly benefit.

Frank

Three dollars and 42 cents? Gee. That's not a lot, is it?

Sorry.

Frank

A guy works his whole life.

Frank

I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude.

Kermit

How's that any different than how you live right now, Frank?

Frank

It's as if we think the elderly are irrelevant, disposable. My own children have said they won't care for me in old age. What does tell you about the decline of Western civilization?

Tommy

That you didn't raise any fools.

Frank

I believe that Alzheimer's is an evolutionary advantage that we've developed so we won't have to be aware of the depth of misery we face in our dotage. And yet... here I am... as loose as the day I was born.

Tommy

Retirement is for rich people. My old man was at GM for 40 years. Six months short of retirement, the pension fund went tits up. Forty years and dick to show for it. But he got lucky.

Frank

How's that?

Tommy

Well, he died on the line. Keeled over into the stamping machine. Got pressed into a rear fender for a Buick Skylark. Never even stopped the line.

Frank

How's that lucky?

Tommy

Well, he didn't have to worry about retiring.