Frank[Calling upstairs and then sits at table] Okay. Breakfast, my offspring. Who wants to join Papa and Queenie for some morning fuel?
[Hands him a cup of green smoothie] Mmm. Cleans your insides, Frankie. Smells like you wouldn't know a colon cleanse if it ran right through your cute little rectum. [They both laugh]
Frank
Thank you, my confederate Queen. Rest of these ingrates could care less about the state of my colon, but not you.
Well, you're the king of your castle, Frankie. Don't let those young uns forget who's papa.
Frank
I'm glad someone finally recognizes that.
And you're still a sexy fucker.
Frank
I got a brand-new liver. I'm as good as 18 again.
Ah, hell of a stud you were at that age. You could do things with your tongue that would make a rattlesnake blush.
Frank
Whoo! Best sexual era of my life.
Frank
South Side was never so bright as the day you crossed the Mason-Dixon Line and came into my loins. [Laughs] And now, it's 18-year-old déjà vu all over again.
Oh, just temporary, Frankie. The grandson's probation papers should be coming through in the next three days, and then it is back to the Eco Village for Chuckie and me.
Frank
That's nonsense. What do they got on a farm we don't have here?
Eco-conscious living. Everything is solar powered. Working out there as an herbalist.
Frank
An herbalist?
Yeah, organic farming. It's not like all this urban wasteland that you have here. I finally found my calling, Frankie. Helping and healing people, that's what I do.
Frank
You can't leave now. We're having too much fun. What's a king without a Queenie by his side?
Well, them's the rules of free love, Frankie. Mwah. Mama is a rollin' stone. Now drink up.
[Chuckie knocks on front door and Frank appears]
Frank
Kid, what are you doing here?
They sent me home from school. [Attempts to go in house but Frank thwarts him]
Frank
Well, beat it. Your grandma and I are gonna get into some action. No cock-blocking. [Chuckie turns around]
[Appears in door] Hey, wait. What's going on here?
Frank
[Gets ahold of Chuckie and guides him into house] Yeah, buddy, who got you all snot-nosed?
[They sit on couch] Oh, my gosh. Who upset my little woodchuck?
Well, wh- you weren't fighting, were you? You're still on probation.
No. My teacher wouldn't let me share my book report in class and sent me to the principal's office.
Frank
[Takes report from Chuckie] Well, it's just a wild guess, but maybe the report topic. [Hands report to Queenie]
Mein Kampf. Hitler's Mein Kampf?
Frank
Advanced-level fascism. I didn't even know the boy could read.
[Sighs] Well, I would have preferred Gandhi, but it's not your fault. The juvenile prison system has warped your brain.
SPSchool principal 1
Your grandson Charles tried to read a very offensive book report to Mr. Schwiebert's class.
The boy doesn't know what he's saying.
Frank
Our grandson is a little slow between the ears.
SPSchool principal 2
Your grandson seems to believe that he's a Nazi. Any ideas where he's getting that from?
SPSchool principal 1
Charles received a suspension as a lesson for his behavior and a failing grade on the paper.
His shit-for-brains mother couldn't pass gas, let alone middle school. My grandson wrote an entire report here and you're gonna fail him for this?
Frank
Hey, I read it. A couple of grammatical things here and there. He didn't remember to capitalize Auschwitz, but the kid can write.
SPSchool principal 2
Hitler's diatribe on Aryan superiority is not an appropriate theme for a sixth grade book report.
Frank
Did you tell the class they couldn't write about Nazis?
SPSchool principal 2
Well, usually, they're not writing from the Nazi perspective, so no. Look, it's okay to write about mass murders. You just can't side with the mass murderers.
Frank
Uh, this is a direct attack on his First Amendment rights, a right, I might add, that belongs to everyone regardless of intelligence deficiencies or possible retardation. Yes, but there are conditions to those rights, like yelling "fire" in a public theater or preaching white supremacy to middle school students.
SPSchool principal 1
Look, we simply can't allow Hitler's hate speech to alienate our diverse student body. We've worked very hard to create an open atmosphere for all our students.
Frank
Look, you can't go teaching equality and then get your human rights panties in a bunch when it comes with a couple of wedgies. Every asshole is entitled to his beliefs. That's the yin and the yang of democracy. It's the same freedom that allows you to teach wearing [[w:Kippah|that silly beanie and [[w:Multiculturalism|those Crayola-colored kids]] out there to go to school together. It- it doesn't matter anyway. Pretty soon, there's not gonna be any [[w:Judaism|Jew]] or [[w:Aryan|Aryan]] or [[w:Hinduism|Hindu]] or [[w:Islam|Muslim]] or [[w:Mexican people|Mexican]] or [[w:African American|Blacks]]. There's just gonna be the rich and the fucked, and our grandson is already one of the fucked. So at least let the boy express the degenerate ideas he can actually comprehend, and that, my multicultural friends, [[w:Pledge of Allegiance|is liberty and justice for all]]! Or we could call [[w:United States Attorney General|the attorney general]] and the [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|ACLU]]. I'm sorry, I probably should have started with that.
[Camera is panning up aisle to Chuckie is reading his report to his classmates with their parents at the side]
So the superiors put all the inferiors in bad summer camps 'cause they didn't want 'em crossin' the border and ruinin' the neighborhood, and that is why Hitler is a great American leader. [Camer view reveals classmates and parents all looking in absolute dismay]
Frank
[Walks over to Chuckie and puts hands on his shoulders] German, but I think you've made your point here, my young Trump.
Tribe! Breakfast! [Gallagher kids come filing in] Good morning. Morning.
We eat in the dining room like civilized people.
Since Queenie. Have a seat. Let's get you your flaxseed oil pills. [To Ian] Good for the heart. [To Liam] Mmm. Good for the hair, [TO Chuckie] your colon, [To Frank's place] Daddy, [To Carl] prostate, yeah, [To Debbie] and your baby.
Frank
[Sets down pans] Quinoa pancakes and yucca fries.
What the hell is a quinoa?
[Gets up] Yeah, I'm just gonna go to Mickey D's.
[Gets up] I'm gonna study at my boyfriend's.
[Gets up] Carl, can you give me a ride to the baby store?
[Pounds table] Come back now. Look, your father went to great lengths to prepare this breakfast for you with love. So you're gonna sit your little asses down and enjoy it. [Tussling Frank's hair] Need to have a little more respect for this man right here.
Frank
Yeah, you hear that?
[Sings] Help me, I think I'm falling [Frank joins in] In love again [To Debbie and Carl] Join us.
QFQueenie and Frank
When I get that crazy feeling, I know I'm in trouble again
I don't want to know the words.
Fake it. [Sings] I'm in trouble, 'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler, and a sweet-talking ladies' man...
[Frank answers door to Lamar still singing]
Frank
And you are?
LLamar
Lamar. Is Carl here?
Frank
He's enjoying breakfast with his family. Come back some other time?
Frank
[Sings] I've seen some hard, hard cases come down to smoke and ash...
LLamar
Haven't checked in lately, white boy. Where the fuck you been at?
Been here and there. G-Dogg got a shipment coming through tomorrow. Need you to run it. I think Imma sit this one out.
LLamar
Sit this one out? [Scoffs] You a comedian?
No. [Lamar pistol whips Carl on the forehead who falls down]
LLamar
[To Carl with a bleeding forehead] You think you can just tag in and out like a little girl playing Chinese jump rope? You in this game for life, fuck, so get your ass to the spot tomorrow morning.
[Frank and Queenie are making love with Frank on top]
Your queen doth love what you do with your scepter, King Frank. [both laugh]
Frank
Oh, God. Your king... is about to blow his load into your moat, my queen. [both laugh]
One thing before you do, my regal stallion.
Frank
Huh? Pray tell, my love. Huh? What? [Queenie flips over with Frank] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Laughs] Oh, yeah. We're almost out of shillings
Frank
Oh, you tell me that now?
Well, I'm gonna have to go back to the commune and get more organic produce and sell it.
Frank
[Repeatedly] I'll get money. [Flips Queenie over with him back on top]
Proceed with your manly duties, my lord Yes. Oh, fuck me.
Frank
[Carl is outside bedroom door and puts hoodie over ears] I'm coming my brains out.
Frank, I need to talk to you.
[Gets up to leave] I will leave the king and the prince to do their business.
Frank
That, my son, is the beautiful stench of animal, lust, and earth. I'm glad you came by.
A letter to Sean's ex-wife.
Carl, why is Fiona writing a letter to Sean's ex-wife?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, great. I'll just stand here and drink my coffee in silence.
To the commune with Queenie.
Except you're not, 'cause you have school, remember?
I need a supportive environment. Not gonna get it here.
So that's it for high school, huh? Pregnant dropout at 15. Well played.
You got to graduate, Debs.
Have you heard of "unschooling"? It's a widely recognized form of education.
Queenie says it's when you get knowledge from life instead of books. Like making spaghetti, when you measure water, pasta, salt. That's math.
If I'm desperate, I can just get my GED. You know, like you did.
Queenie, are you going to support Debbie as she "unschools" her way through life?
Well, I have so many friends in the commune who have never had a day of conventional education, and they have so much worldly wisdom.
You want to quit school, Debs, I can't stop you. Enjoy yourself at... what is it?
Soaring Consciousness Ecovillage. A hundred acres, very peaceful. Oh, and if you see Lip, tell him never to stifle his passion. Ta-ta.
Frank
What's this?
Hey, Frankie, baby. We're off to the commune.
Frank
What?
Chuckie's probation papers came yesterday. Grandma is a rolling stone.
Frank
That's a great idea. Lying under the stars in a rural paradise. Fresh air, crackling fire. Jeez, that sounds nice. Are we taking the van? [Gets in]
Frank
No, no. I'm good.
[Van arrives at the commune]
Frank
[Gets out van] Ooh, a little nippy.
[Gets out holding up phone] Freezing. And no service. Where's your house?
[Points] My tent's right up there.
We gonna see a mountain lion?
Frank
You were right all along. I wasn't listening. This is where we were meant to be together. Out in the fresh, crisp air, the smell of pine.
JJupiter
You were sorely missed. [He and Queenie hold each others heads and lean towards each other touching foreheads]
Everybody, this is Jupiter, a founding father of Soaring Conciousness.
JJupiter
[Referring to Debbie] And is this...?
The one I wrote to you about.
JJupiter
[Walks up to Debbie and puts both hands on shoulders] We all hoped you'd come, Deborah. And here you are. Here, let me help you inside. [Wraps blanket on Debbie]
Frank
Nice of you to bring her a blanket. It is chilly. I know I'm cold.
Frank
[Walking through heroin grow-op] Oh. [Laughs softly] What a beautiful day to grow poppies. [To Chuckie with facial scratch marks] Whoo-hoo! You're lucky that cat couldn't aim for shit. Careful, once cougars get a taste, they come back for more. [To woman watering] Not too much, Moon.
JJupiter
Frank. You're supposed to be working compost.
Frank
You spend the day in a steaming pile of excrement. I'll be in here with the opium.
JJupiter
I run the warehouse.
Frank
I thought we share everything on the commune. Opium, compost, Queenie. Except when it comes to orgasms. Those Queenie only shares with me. Do you want some constructive criticism?
Frank
You put Queenie to sleep. There's no rhythm. Your penis is like a sexual lullaby. You got to treat a woman like a poppy. Know when to be gentle, and when to be rough. Give 'em what they need, you'll have the best high you ever had.
Frank
[Walks up to a tent standing outside] Debs, we never talked baby names. What do you think about naming her after your great-grandmother? She was a vicious cunt, but "Rose Gallagher" has a- a ring to it, don't you think?
What are you doing, Frank?
Frank
Checking on my daughter.
Oh, she's not in there. We took her to the birthing tent.
Frank
Debs is in labor?
Well, maybe. But if she is, the baby won't come for a day or two.
[Scoffs] It's none of my business. She's made that abundantly clear. She's not sleeping, eating, showering. I wish she'd let one of you just hold the baby.
Well, maybe she's got that postpartum thing. You know, when girls go feral in corners and gouge anyone's eyes out who gets too close.
What're those, uh, things called that guys wear at weddings. The flower things?
Frank
Uh, yeah, boutonnieres.
Lip and Ian get 'em, right?
Frank
Yeah.
I gotta meet with the florist, figure out what I'm orderin'.
Frank
If they're walking you down the aisle, they get 'em.
Uh, and ushers, groomsmen...
Frank
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my daughter will be accompanied by her father as she ambles to the altar.
Her who? Oh, you mean that deadbeat that consistently fails to take care of his family?
Frank
I may not have been present for your first steps or your first lost tooth or your first blow job, but as patriarch, I'm entitled to my traditional place of honor next to you for your big day.
Then it's my traditional right to ask said patriarch to pay for it.
Frank
Done.
Frank
Done. I'll pay. In money. Cash. Dinero. Greenbacks.
Well, you know, if you're catching up on, uh, Dad shit, you can cover my tuition. Teach me how to ride a bike. I never had a sweet sixteen. Could throw me one after the wedding.
[Frank approaches Bruno busy using a forklift at his workplace]
Frank
Hey. Bruno. It's me, Frank. From the El. I got the rest.
Frank
The... the rest of the money for you to take care of that thing? You know? The thing we talked about on the train? The other night?
Frank
I gave you a thousand down. I've got the extra thousand for when you do the thing. Oh, and look. I've got, um... I've got these. These are, uh... These are... Will you... Will you just hold on? Bruno, wait. Bruno, hold up. Wait. Will you fucking wait? Wait, stop. Okay, I got, um, gift cards. They're good as gold. Untraceable. I was hoping we could, uh, maybe speed things up a little bit? Do it today?
BBruno
Sorry, pal. I don't know you.
Frank
You what? We have a deal.
Frank
D... p... fucking ki... For you to kill my daughter's asshole of a fiancé, fuck.
BBruno
Killing someone. Wow. Pretty sure that would be illegal.
Frank
What, are you trying to rip me off?
BBruno
I already did, you moron.
Frank
[Gets up in Bruno's face] You picked the wrong guy to fuck with, asshole.
BBruno
You go to the cops. Tell 'em you tried to arrange a hit on your daughter's fiancé, day before the wedding, but you got ripped off. See how that goes. [Pushes Frank off and drives away]
NNurse
You don't remember anything?
Frank
[Hoarsely] I was going to a wedding. I was... wet and cold, very cold.
NNurse
Cold saved you. Your core body temperature was under 90 degrees when the rescue team brought you in. Can I get your name, sir? You didn't have any identification on you when they pulled you out of the lake. We've got to get you admitted properly?
Frank
I was in the lake?
NNurse
Do you have any health insurance, sir? How long was I out? Can be a bit of a shock when you wake up from a comatose state to...
Frank
How long?
Frank
Nobody tried to find me? Jesus.
MNMale nurse
Cough, please.
MIMedical insurance accountant
Insurance?
Frank
No. [Frank gags in pain]
MNMale nurse
Cough again.
Frank
Jesus!
MIMedical insurance accountant
Fortunately, the hospital offers several payment plans to help you take care of your bill.
Frank
Can I get some more of this cherry Jell-O? It's delicious.
MIMedical insurance accountant
You can handle it in two or three easy monthly payments.
Frank
[Female nurse walks away] Hey. Some mashed potatoes. Maybe a little pudding. How much? What's that for?
MNMale nurse
Time to take out your Foley. Okay, sir, it looks like it's gonna be... hold on, I forgot the respiratory therapist. Okay, here we go.
MIMedical insurance accountant
No wait, pharmacy. It's not a completely accurate number, but for 30 days of ICU care, six CTs, four MRIs, urology, proctology, dermatology, skilled nursing, nutritionist, labs, pharmacy...
MNMale nurse
Take a deep breath.
MIMedical insurance accountant
Should be a little less than 150,000.
Frank
Dollars? [Nurse pulls out ureteral tube] Oh! Fucking mother of Satan!
Frank
Aah! What the fuck's the matter with you?! 100 grand?! Where are my fucking clothes?! [Starts getting out of bed]
MNMale nurse
Sir, you need to stay where you are.
Frank
I am not paying you a fucking cent!
MNMale nurse
That's not a good idea, sir. You need to stay for a few more days. You've been inactive for a month. Your muscles will have atrophied.
Frank
[Gets out of bed and starts walking] Where are my fucking clothes?! [Falls down face flat]
[Frank wheels himself into The Alibi Room]
Frank
Set 'em up, barkeep.
Frank
My liver's been on vacation, and I got a month's worth of drinking to catch up on.
Where the hell you been?!
Frank
Hospital. They pulled me out of the lake. Must have fallen in drunk after the wedding and washed into Lake Michigan.
We thought you were dead.
Frank
Nope. I'm indestructible. The doc said the cold would've killed a lesser man. But not the Frank.
Frank
Why are you in a wheelchair?
Frank
Temporary setback. Atrophy. I was in a coma. Can I get a beer? Hospital said nobody came looking for me. I guess you lowlifes assumed I was on a bender after unloading my oldest on that fucking junkie. [Starts having flashbacks of Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana staring into the vehicle trunk from his viewpoint]
Shameless · 903 quotes
