Frank Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Bianca

Let's go get drunk... buy a gun.

Frank

A gun?

[Referring to Bianca] Your daughter is very beautiful!

Frank

What?!

Your daughter!

What kind of gun?

Frank

One with bullets.

Pistol? Shotgun? Semiautomatic? Assault rifle? Machine gun?

Frank

Pistol should do it.

[Jabs thumb over shoulder] Do you see the skinny Brazilian with the Neymar jersey? He is your man.

Ian

What happened to your face?

Lip

Girl hit me.

Ian

Probably deserved it.

Lip

Yeah. There's no such thing as casual sex anymore. You know, I, uh... I think I'm falling in love with one of my professors.

Ian

Woman?

Lip

Yeah.

Ian

Cool.

Lip

Is that Frank? [Frank walks up to van window]

Frank

She's gone, boys. She's gone.

Fiona

Meds?

Ian

Yes, Mom.

Fiona

I'm not your mother. I'm just concerned. Did you take them? [Closes fridge door to be startled by Frank and gasps] Fuck, Frank.

Frank

I love you. I... I just want you to know I'm... I love you. I ever tell you about the time I caught an octopus on the reef outside of our hut and Bianca cooked it on an open fire right on the beach?

Fiona

Yes.

Sean

Yes.

Frank

And the funny little sneeze she would do when she was asleep? [They all imitate Bianca's sneeze] Debs, I love you.

Debbie

Jesus.

Frank

I just... I want you to know that.

Debbie

Go away, Frank.

Frank

I... I want to light a candle for Bianca at the foot of the blessed.

Fiona

No.

Frank

I hope someday you two have the precious gift of feeling what I felt for that beautiful young woman... [sobs]... and then to have that love stolen cruelly from you by a pitiless God, and then maybe, just maybe, you'll remember this day and your father's anguish and you'll be ashamed of the lack of compassion you showed him in his time of need. I love you, my little brown banana.

Fiona

I don't know how much more of that I can take before I stab him in the neck with a broken beer bottle. What are you smiling about?

Debbie

I'm happy. Can't I be happy?

Fiona

No, not about this. There's absolutely no reason to be happy about this.

Frank

Jesus. [Cutting in line to confessional box Uh, excuse me. I'm... I'm late for work, and you all look like you haven't had gainful employment for decades, so if you don't mind, I'll just, um... [In confessional box] Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been 23 hours since my last confession.

Frank.

Frank

I just can't understand why God would take her away from me, Father. Her family threw me out of the funeral. My own family ridicules my pain. Why, Father? Why? It was God's will, and she's in a better place. But why, why, when we had just found each other? Is God really so vengeful? Why is he punishing me with this torment?

All right, ten Hail Marys and light a candle.

Frank

Ten? Really? Just ten?

All right, 20. What the hell do you want? Do you want me to tell you to flog yourself with a cat-o'-nine-tails, make you wear a hair shirt?

Frank

What's a hair shirt?

Oh, damn it, Frank. It's not the Middle Ages, and there's a line out there for confession, so will you please let other people come in here and confess their sins?

Frank

Well, Jesus freaking Chr- if a man can't find a little comfort from the Catholic Church, maybe it's time to admit Martin Luther had a point. Let's give the Lutherans a try.

Frank

[Leaving confessional to woman he cut in line to] Don't give me that look! What could you possibly have to confess?! Your cooch dried up before Nixon went to China!

Frank

Jesus! Fuck. Shit. Gallagher rain. [Chuckles and speaks Spanish] Even the my daughter's vomit can't dampen the flavor of these empanadas.

Fiona

Frank, what the hell is going on?!

Frank

This Jorge Mendoza and his clan. Got evicted. Bank sold it right out from under them, and the Mendozas came home yesterday to find all their stuff on the street.

Fiona

And how is this our problem?

Frank

The loss of our unique community? Generations of the American melting pot getting kicked out of their homes. Gentrification is everyone's problem, Fiona.

Fiona

Frank, what are they doing in our yard?

Frank

I rented it to them. The shed, the van, under the porch, this grassy area. And, oh, my God, can they cook.

Fiona

Carl, can you drop Liam at Head Start on your way to school?

Carl

Do I look like a babysitter?

Fiona

No, you look like a criminal, but last I checked, you were still a Gallagher.

Carl

Fine. Bros got to stick together. Let's go. Come on, little homey. Don't be a little shit. Let's go.

Debbie

I'm gonna be late.

Fiona

I'm pregnant, Debs.

Debbie

[Chuckles] Not funny.

Fiona

No, it's not, and it turns out that the pill is a big fucking waste of money.

Debbie

Are you lying? Are you making this up?

Fiona

You are the only one who lies about pregnancies around here. Jesus. I'm not making it up.

Debbie

Oh, my God. This is amazing. What are the chances? We can raise them together like sisters. Sister cousins! Whose is it? Is it Gus' or Sean's? If it was Gus', that'd be weird. How far along are you?

Fiona

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. Listen. I'm saying... I know how shitty this feels, like something's taken over your body, and you feel sick and, like, a little crazy, and I'm sorry because I didn't get that before, and I was harsh and cold and... Anyway, I'm sorry. [Hugs Debbie]

Debbie

Thank you.

Fiona

And now we can go through it together. We can go to the clinic. We'll make appointments for the same day. It'll be good. It'll be like a family outing. Like Disneyland, only with abortions.

Debbie

Wait, what? What kind of apology is that?

Fiona

Debs, I know that you think that keeping it will bring Derek back, but if he left you like this, then he doesn't deserve you, and there will be other guys that you will love--

Debbie

No, no, no, no. You're the one who sleeps around, Fiona, not me. God. You are disgusting. You're a horrible human being. You didn't even bother to divorce your husband. You just ghosted him.

Fiona

I what?

Debbie

You ghosted him. You disappeared. And now you're gonna ghost your baby. [Fiona gags, runs to washroom and retches]

Frank

[Appears in side door] Family breakfast, no one bothers to invite the padre.

Frank

[Chuckles] I'm gonna be a grandfather. From the bowels of death, new life. A new Gallagher.

Debbie

Yeah, and Fiona's pregnant too.

Frank

Shut up! [Chuckles] A double grandfather.

Debbie

Yeah, but Fiona doesn't want to have hers, and she's trying to force me to get rid of mine too. She says I'm too young.

Frank

She's wrong. Scientifically wrong. Biologically speaking, you're in your prime childbearing years. Actually, a little beyond them. If Fiona waits much longer, she's gonna have babies that look like wombats. Her labia will stretch halfway to her knees. Men wanting to do cunnilingus will require a straw. [Laughs] No, no, no, no, no, no. This is your time, Debs. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Debbie

But what about Fiona?

Frank

She can't force you to do anything. You have the right to control your own body. But Fiona has that right too. Well, we won't let her. I had to handcuff Monica to the bed when she was pregnant with Carl. I kept her loaded for months until he was too big to abort.

Debbie

Yeah, I don't think Sean's gonna go for that.

Frank

Who's Sean?

Debbie

Her boyfriend.

Frank

I thought she was married. Never mind. I'll talk to her.

Debbie

Okay. Maybe we all should talk to her.

Frank

Absolutely. We'll talk more after school, all right? I got to run now. I can't be late for my cancer support group.

Debbie

Wait, Frank. Do you have cancer?

Frank

Not that I know of. [Knocks on head] Knock wood.

Fiona

Okay, so we went to the bank, and the house is being sold at auction, but there's a chance that we could buy it. So for the first time ever, it would be our house, not Aunt Ginger's, not Patrick's.

Ian

How?

Fiona

Sean's got a guy at the bank who thinks I can get a bank loan of up to 100,000.

Carl

Dollars?

Fiona

I know.

Ian

Holy shit, someone's willing to give us 100 grand?

Fiona

Yeah.

Ian

Why didn't we do this years ago?

Sean

The bank doesn't just give you money. They actually buy the house and let you live in it till you pay back the loan with interest.

Ian

Or not.

Fiona

We need a down payment of $3,500, and we need it, like, now.

Ian

I got a couple hundred.

Fiona

Okay, we could pawn the TV.

Sean

You'd get 50 bucks.

Fiona

We're brainstorming.

Carl

3 1/2 Gs? Shit, I got you covered. What do you want? You want hundies or small bills?

Fiona

You just got out of juvie and you have $3,000?

Carl

Right.

Fiona

[Long awkward silence] No.

Carl

What, you don't believe me?

Fiona

No, I believe you, I just don't want the state seizing our house 'cause we bought it with drug money or whatever it is that you're into lately.

Frank

Let's not be hasty.

Fiona

You are not part of this conversation, Frank.

Frank

This was my house long before any of you had claim to it. Not legally, but every other way. The point is, we're Gallaghers. If Carl wants to step up-

Fiona

No.

Ian

Why do you get the last word?

Fiona

If you want to go get a mortgage with your name on it, then take Carl's money. But otherwise, we'll find another way.

Carl

I'll just spend it on my ride. If you want us, we'll be upstairs. Come on, Nick.

Frank

Carl, a word, if you would, son?

Ian

[Scoffs] I don't know why you bother calling a family meeting if you make all the decisions anyway.

Frank

Carl? Hey, hey, um... [chuckles] On behalf of all of us, I want to acknowledge your generosity. The fact that you've reached this level of success in your chosen field-

Carl

How much you need? 40? 60, if it's not a problem. Bill, even.

Frank

You've come a long way, son. It warms my heart to know that at least one Gallagher has lived up to his genetic potential. When you were six, I- when- [Carl slams his bedroom door]

Carl

It's our crib

Fiona

Not anymore.

Carl

Who says?

Ian

State of Illinois.

Carl

They can't just take it from us.

Fiona

I don't have time to explain foreclosure law to you.

Carl

Those are the stairs where I broke my arm for the first time.

Ian

Yeah, and the second. Oh, and the fifth.

Carl

That table is where Liam was born.

Fiona

There's nothing we can do.

Frank

Can you keep it down in there? Copper pipes aren't gonna take out themselves. While Rome burns, you eat waffles.

Ian

You gonna tear apart the place piece by piece?

Frank

Scorched earth. The preferred method of defeated generals who refused to allow their conquerors the satisfaction.

Carl

Of taking a dump?

Frank

Copper's two bucks a pound.

Fiona

Look, we don't have the luxury to sit around and get weepy. We need a place to live.

Carl

Let's see them try to get Nick and I out. We'll take positions up at the upstairs windows with M16s.

Fiona

Carl.

Carl

Throw Liam at the bottom of the stairs with some grenades. [To Liam who nods] Think you can pull a pin and throw it? Strap Chuckie up with some explosives and throw him off the roof.

Fiona

Do any of that and they'll try you as an adult. That's big boy prison. Look, the house is gone. It's over. We need to move on.

Chuckie

This is all cause of the mud people. [Points to Nick]

Ian

What the fuck...

Chuckie

That's what my friends in juvie said. [Frank laughs] What? What did I say?

Ian

Chuckie, if you want to stay alive, shut up and go to school.

Carl

Where's Lip at? He'd back me up on this.

Fiona

I told him we didn't need him. He needs to focus on school.

Frank

[Frank pulls out a circuit breaker causing the electricity to go out] Whoo. If I go along with getting a new crib, it better be sick.

Fiona

We can't pay any more than we already were. We were barely making ends meet as it was.

Carl

Why you acting like we ain't got no lettuce?

Fiona

Lettuce?

Carl

The Benjamins. Cash. Money. Say the word, and I'll make it rain up in here.

Fiona

I told you, I'm not taking your dirty money.

Frank

It must be wonderful living in your little fantasy world where unicorns slide down magical rainbows and everybody on the South Side gets by on the up and up. What do you think this neighborhood runs on? It ain't donuts. Without heroes like Carl here driving our shadow economy, we would've gone the way of the dodo years ago. Hey, can I, um, can I get a relocation advance? [Carl gives Frank a dollar bill] Thank you.

Fiona

[A couple walks in front door with two daughters] Yo! What the hell?!

I didn't realize the house was still occupied.

Fiona

Oh, shit. You're the new owners.

Frank

Good morning! I'm here to concierge you through your hangover and straight into your doctor's appointment!

I passed out in Debbie's bed last night.

Frank

Yikes. How'd she take it?

Fine, but I- I feel like an idiot. What's gotten into me? I'm not attracted to her. I feel maternal towards her.

Frank

It's a nurturing instinct. She's very nurture-able.

I'm losing my shit, Frank. It's hitting me. I just keep thinking about that coffin and my body inside it. I'm gonna puke. [Covers mouth with hand and runs away]

Frank

[To Debbie] How was last night's tangle?

Debbie

Huh?

Frank

You and Erica. [Gestures] Little scissor action?

Debbie

Ew, no. It was so not like that. She was just drunk and confused, and she's married to a guy.

Frank

A woman's sexuality is as fluid as the Mississippi. Mark my words, kid. She's sweet on you. You are so sexy when you're in the thrall of a small lit rectangle.

Debbie

Oh, my God. Is that him or her?

Frank

Look at that face. Already up to no good. It's a Gallagher all right. [Chuckles] I remember the first time I saw Fiona in Monica's gut. She looked like a rotting apricot. I screamed, "What the fuck is that?!" And we were on a lot of drugs, but that fetus just looked unholy. Came out perfect, though.

You sure you don't want to know the gender?

Frank

Before we knew your gender we called you The Tumor. Then they said you were a girl. All of a sudden you were Debbie.

Debbie

I was Debbie?

Frank

Once you know the gender, your fetus goes from a clump of cells to a genuine person. It's something. Got to run.

Tell you what. I'll write it down, stick it in an envelope. You can hang onto it and decide later.

Debbie

Cool.

Frank

Promised Erica I'd pick her up after her scan. Rampant metastasis, here we come.