[Kicks Frank lying on kitchen floor] Hey. Why aren't I circumcised?
FrankWhat?
Now I have to get it done.
Frank
[Groans] Why the hell would you want to do that?
Frank
It's better not to be circumcised. More feeling in the old puppy when you don't get its tail bobbed. Self-lubricating too. Hey. Be a champ. Go get my wheelchair in the yard.
Frank
I am. I didn't have much say in the matter. I was only hours old when they cut into my manhood.
Frank
I cried like a baby. Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
Frank
[Groans] How come?
We were kind of hoping you were dead.
Yeah, Domino's guy said it was already paid for, so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
Right place. I put it on my credit card.
It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit. Frank's alive?
Frank
[Grunts] Will somebody... anybody... please get my fucking wheelchair?!
Six new onesies, three new pairs of shoes, and a Diaper Genie. Got a little something special for Mommy too.
Hey, anybody know who she belongs to? I found her outside.
Jolayemi? Hi, I'm Debbie.
Who the hell is Jolayemi?
Jolayemi stays up with Franny so I can have a good night's sleep and be refreshed in the morning.
Mm, where'd you get the money for a night nurse?
I started an online business.
[Fiona hears thumping upstairs]
Frank's back? Since when?
Uh, yes. Franny. Francis. She's a joy, but not a great sleeper.
JJolayemi
Does she sleep in your bed?
Sometimes, you know? I'm really careful.
Frank
[Fiona starts dragging Frank down stairs] Stop... stop it! I did you a fucking favor getting rid of that junkie!
I keep a pillow between us so that I don't smother her or anything.
Frank
Ow!
It's much easier when I'm really tired to have Franny in bed with me so that I just can just roll over and feed her.
Frank
At the hands of that lying junkie! Stop it! No! [Fiona drag Frank to front door and he grabs onto wall corner and then loses grip] Stop! Fuck! I am a truth-teller! But you're too weak to... [Fiona sends Frank rolling down steps] ...aah!
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Frank
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Frank
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Frank
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Frank
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Frank
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Frank
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Frank
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Frank
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
Frank
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Frank
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
Frank
First order of business... Furniture. Apparently, this stuff belongs to the realty staging company, and they're taking it back. So start looking for street discards... Mattresses, chairs, couches. Secondly, as you may have noticed, our beloved domicile is under attack from the locals. We got to give them zero reason to take issue with us. Be on our best behavior. Solve problems before they happen. You're Gallaghers now. And Gallaghers fight for what we deserve. And we fight dirty. I got these things from the garage. I also found a push mower. So, new Lip, mow the strip between the street and the houses. New Debbie, grab some shrubs from outside the Citibank on 47th and just stick them anyplace you see dirt. New Ian and New Carl, here you go. Sweep up the cigarette butts and the needles outside on the street. New Fiona, clean the trash from the lot under the El.
NFNew Fiona
How is that "fighting dirty"?
Frank
We become them. This is psychological warfare. The thinking man's game. Henceforth, there are new rules in this house, okay? No talking to the lamppost after dark. New Lip, no more jacking off in the backyard. New Fiona, if you're gonna turn a trick, go one block over. Yes? Meeting adjourned.
[Frank hears knocking on front door and pulls curtain, then opens door]
Frank
No. Maybe. [Closes door]
EElena
[Opens door and lets herself in] I'm Elena Torres from the Make A Nest nonprofit on Troy Street. Your news coverage has been making quite a stir in the social-services community.
Frank
It has?
EElena
We've got some good news concerning your housing crisis.
Frank
You... you, uh... Here. Uh, Jesus. Oh, come on, hey, hey. G- get a room, you two. [Pats a cot] Uh, sit, sit.
EElena
I- I, uh... Yeah, I-I'll stand.
Frank
Yeah.
EElena
Mr. Gallagher... perhaps you've heard of Simon Epstein, the real estate mogul? The billionaire who got busted emailing dick pics? Mr. Epstein, um, is actually a philanthropist for the homeless. After seeing you on the news, he immediately contacted our community-service organization.
Frank
You're kicking us out?
EElena
N-no, no, Mr. Gallagher. Simon Epstein purchased this house for the South Side homeless.
Frank
A billionaire with a bleeding heart and a big dick bought this place for me?
EElena
Uh, he, uh... He bought it for all of you. And he's asked our organization to manage the property. We're getting calls from corporate interests who would like to become sponsors. Because of your commitment to the homeless, this is now public housing.
NMNew Monica
Hot water?! Thank God! [Laughs] Don't got to clean my flaps with disinfectant wipes no more!
Frank
[Turns on stove to confirm it works] Whoa. [Opens fridge to confirm it is empty] Uh, whoa. [Addressing shelterees] My family and unbathed brethren, we have won the first battle for homeless dignity by staking our claim. We demanded our 40 acres and a mule, our three bedrooms and a toilet, and yours truly has delivered it upon you. Thank you very much.
SShelterees
Great job, Frank!
Frank
But... but listen, now... now that we got the hot water turned on, we want to make sure that it stays on, and let's keep food and illicit substances in our belly. So I'm sending you out in groups to ply the most basic commerce known to mankind... Begging, okay? You four, take the bodega. You three, uh, um, the dry cleaners. You, sir, you look like you could use a touch of grooming, so let's send you to the barbershop. Okay, let's go. Other people's money waits for no man. Go out there. Give 'em homeless! Yeah!
[Frank and Liam arrive at his school for the first day only to discover the school deserted]
Frank
Holy shit. Place is a ghost town. I think someone's in there.
[Knocks on door]
CCustodian
I'm coming, I'm coming. [Opens door] What's going on? They sent out letters letting folks know the school was closed.
Frank
Why?
CCustodian
Not enough kids to keep the place open.
Frank
Since when?
CCustodian
Since the new private school opened up. Bourgie parents sending their kids over there now.
Frank
A private school in this neighborhood?
CCustodian
A lot of new money moving into the Yards. Bunch of Richie Riches.
Frank
Where's my son supposed to go?
CCustodian
Oh, they're bussing kids over to Lincoln Douglas Elementary.
Frank
That's a 30-minute bus ride.
CCustodian
Not counting the stops. Probably overcrowded. Forty kids to a class, I hear.
Frank
So this private school, where is it?
CCustodian
Took over the Blessed Virgin from the Dioceses.
Frank
The B... I went there. The archbishop sold it? What happened to the nuns?
CCustodian
Ah, they shipped them off to assisted living. They were all a couple of hundred years old. Not enough poor kids in the neighborhood to keep the doors open.
...
Whoa. Oh, cool. Chickens.
Frank
Go play with them, son.
Frank
Why aren't you going to public school? Afraid of being exposed to regular kids?
Frank
Is it because my son is poor? Or black?
TTeacher
Children, let's go inside.
Frank
The public-school system is being gutted by you sending your kid to this expensive private school.
Frank
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll pay taxes to support public schools...
TTeacher
Don't listen to him. Let's go.
Frank
But God forbid you or your husband, or your wife, would actually send your child to one.
TTeacher
Sir, this is private property. You need to leave.
Frank
This is just the 21st-century version of segregation.
TTeacher
I'm gonna call the police.
Frank
I'm leaving. Come on, Liam, let's go.
Frank
No, you can't have a chicken. And do you know why? Because these people don't want you to ever have a chicken. In fact, they've spent thousands of dollars a year so that they can buy up all the chickens in the whole world to guarantee that you will never, ever get a chicken ever in your whole entire life.
Playing house. You told me about your big, chaotic family, but this is more like a romantic breakfast for two.
I know, it's kind of weird around here lately, especially with Carl being gone. Kind of miss the chaos. And the weaponry.
Lookin' sharp, man. Look at that. Yeah? [Knocking on side door with Ian opening to let in Frank]
Frank
Hey, hey, smells good in here. Aw, come on. Jesus, come on!
Frank
It's cold out there!
Frank
I got Liam into private school. That doesn't buy me breakfast?
Do you mind if I take this one?
Frank
Would you...
You were stealing from homeless people, Frank! You were pretending to be their father and their guardian and then you turned them into slave labor for your own personal indulgence!
Frank
Okay.
You're lucky you're still alive, because no one would have...
Frank
No.
Blamed them for beating you to death and burying the body. So no, you don't get breakfast.
Frank
Okay, I missed...
Okay, let go of the door before I hurt you, Frank.
Frank
I... stop. I was their fake father. I'm your real father and I'm not gonna let go of the door until you let go of the door.
Frank
Come... would you... Come on.
You've been warned, Frank. I'm gonna count to three. One...
Frank
Hey, Liam, would you get me a blanket?
Frank
Get me a blanket. Yeah. And some of that bacon. Get me... [Ian sprays him and closes the door] Ah fuck! What happened to three? You said, "I'm gonna count to three"! Shit!
[Frank is thrown out of The Alibi Room with two other men by Svetlana wielding a broom]
Frank
Stop! I have to ask you something! Why was the broom late for the meeting?! [Pause] It overswept!
[Looking down] Frank! It's me, baby.
Frank
Great.
...
[Following Frank down street] I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I fucked up bad, but I-I'm gonna make it up to you and the kids. Frankie. I need your help. [Frank unlocks door to Fiona's laundromat] You could at least turn around and look at me. Frank?
Frank
[Goes in and closes door] Go fuck yourself.
Frank
She's a hot piece of ass, your mother! Don't get me wrong. But within that fine mortal husk lies a rotting pile of filth, and I don't want her soiling you, so, from now on, you fight.
Frank
Yes, my son. Fight her with every muscle in your wee body, or she will drag you into her pit of despair and murder your soul. So... Remember, whenever you see the blonde woman with the green boots and the blue parka, you yell, "Stranger, danger," and kick her until an adult shows up.
Frank
[Eating a steak at a fancy restaurant with Etta just staring at her burger] I could've predicted she'd bail on us. Chaos junkie. [To waiter pouring wine] Thank you, my good man. But can you blame me? That's what I fell for. She was electric. The first night I met her, she threatened to put a cigarette out on my arm. I dared her to do it. And look. After I stopped screaming from the pain, we fucked like rabbits. And from that night on, I knew I would give up everything for that woman. My God, we had fun. Listen to me. I sound like I'm still stuck on her. She burrows under my skin like a fucking tick. Evil. My God, and the years I wasted, broken up over her.
[Gets up from table] I don't know you.
Frank
Sure, you do. It's... it's me, Wendell, your poopsie.
Wendell's dead. [Walks away with Frank eyeing her purse]
Oh, your breath smells like Pop Tarts.
...
If you are going to be staying here temporarily, we need to go over the rules.
Oh, Grandma's little cabbage patch.
First thing's first, there will be no drugs or alcohol in this house. DCFS is going to make unannounced visits, so nobody handles Franny who is not sober.
No exceptions. Curfew is 11 p.m. which is also bedtime. No sex in the apartment. Anybody who eats the groceries needs to chip in on the groceries.
Frank
You know, it seemed like just yesterday you were at the homeless shelter begging for my help. And now, you scammed your way into your own home. I won't say I'm not proud of your ingenuity, but you might want to ease back on the Stalin-style home care.
It's not a scam, Frank. Neil and I are in love. And he's brain-injured, not deaf.
Aren't they cute? Neil reminds me of that pet hamster Debbie had as a kid. [Frank chuckles]
The one you killed in the bathtub. You remember that, Frank?
Frank
Yeah... that... it was a total accident. I was told hamsters could swim.
Frank
Love is not supposed to be cute. Love is raw and destructive. Love is you almost stabbing me in the heart with an ice-pick when we were having an argument. That's the kind of passion you can't fake.
Well, Neil and I don't need passion. Come on, Franny, let's go give Daddy a bath before Mommy has to go to work. [Wheels Neil away]
Bye, Franny. Bye, Deb. [Wraps arms around Frank] Our thrills don't have to end.
Frank
You goddamn right they don't. You and me, we are immortal.
So I want to show you my plan. I want to see your plan.
[Frank and Monica are walking down street to the Gallagher residence with Lip coming in to the house oppositely]
Frank
You look like shit. Looking like a chip off the old block there, son.
Did you go on a bender alone?
Fuck off, huh? [Turns to house]
Booze bums you out. Change chemicals. [Offers Lip a cigarette who swipes it away and she chuckles] All right, well, next time we'll all get shitfaced together.
I'd rather drink my own piss.
Frank
Try a speedball after a bender. Next day, you'll be moving like a pro.
Shameless · 903 quotes
