Good morning. Happy birthday, Sabrina.
Many, many more to come. I, ah, got you a little something. [picks up a wrapped box and brings it over to the table]
Actually, that’s from both of us; I just forgot to sign the card.
[hands the birthday present to Sabrina] I hope you don’t already have one.
[Sabrina opens up the box excitedly and pulls out...]
[put out] A black pot? Actually, I don’t. Thanks...
Wow, even better. I can, um, put my pens in it...
That’s not what it’s for. Sabrina, we have something to tell you. You see there are two realms, the natural and the supernatural and it turns out the immutable laws of physics-
[interrupting] You're a witch.
[surprised] What do you mean, I’m a witch?
Now you're not alone. I’m a witch, Hilda’s a witch, your father’s a witch...
[skeptical] And I suppose my mom’s a witch too?
Actually, your mom’s mortal. You see, that’s why you’re here; so that we can teach you how to use your magic.
[Zelda places a large, old, leather bound book in front of Sabrina]
Here is a present from your father.
An old book, a black pot - Doesn’t anyone shop at The Gap anymore? [reading the cover] "The Discovery of Magic"... Why’d he give me this? [opens the book to a page depicting a picture of a bearded man in a top hat, labeled Edward beneath it] That’s why! This old magician looks just like my dad.
[The picture turns to look at her]
TTed
Surprise! [Sabrina gives a little start] It is your dad! Happy birthday, Sabrina!
[amazed] Wow, Hallmark has gone really high tech! Can he say anything else?
TTed
I’m not a hologram, honey - I’m just in a different realm.
A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.
TTed
[to his sisters] Zelda, Hilda, didn’t you explain to her she’s a witch?
[to the book] She doesn’t believe us!
[exasperated] Not this again... [closes the book] Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up, so... Ha-ha-ha, now it’s over?
No. It’s just beginning. You are a witch.
With real magical powers, and now that you're sixteen, you can use them. [bemused] And you wanted something from The Gap..
So, what are you saying? that I’m not who I think I am? You’re not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?
Oh, finally, she gets it!
This is insane, I’m going to my room. [gets up and heads for the door] Come on, Salem.
Can you wait till I've finished my milk?
[stops, shocked] Did the cat just talk?
Yes, and get this stupid hat off my head.
[horrified] Oh my God! [runs away]
I think we’d better let her father handle this... Ted?
[The book levitates of the table and goes after Sabrina]
TTed
[voice muffled by the pages] Sabrina, open me up!
TTed
We have to talk, young lady! Open me up this instant!
No! I don’t want to talk to a book. Oh God, I’m talking to a book! [opens the book] I can’t be a witch! Witches don’t exist!
TTed
Honey, I know this is hard, but you just have to accept it. You’re not like other kids - you’re special.
I don’t wanna be special, I wanna be normal!
TTed
I understand, but... that ship has sailed.
None of this makes sense. I mean, all these years, I thought you were travelling with the Foreign Service!
TTed
I am; It’s just a lot more foreign than you thought.
And Mom? Has she really been digging for fossils in Peru?
Then I wanna go live with her.
TTe
You can’t. You see, there’s a rule: If you set eyes on your mother in the next two years, she’ll turn into a ball of wax.
TTed
It’s the way they discourage Mortal-Witch marriages.
So, is that the reason you and Mom got divorced?
[hopeful] So, d’ya think maybe you could get back together?
TTed
No - that’s another ship that’s sailed. [Sabrina deflates] You’re going to be fine. Just take some time, and think about all this. And, if you ever need me, I’m in the index.
[eases into his seat] How’s your head?
Sorry, y’know, I didn’t mean to hit you with the football...
Oh, that was you? [Harvey nods] You have a really good arm.
[gestures to Jenny] Do you know Jenny?
You live in the house with the funny mailbox, right?
Oh, it’s not our fault; The people who lived there before us were actually named Mr. and Mrs. Hog.
No, it’s cute! My mailbox is boring, it’s really just a place to put letters...
I hate being a witch! I just turned the most popular girl in school into a pineapple!
Because it’s the only thing you taught me how to do!
Relax, I can fix this. [takes the pineapple and grabs a knife] Chunks or rings?
Hilda, there are other ways.
Sabrina doesn’t know how to seal her spells yet, so... [Hilda reluctantly puts down the knife and stands back] "The popular girl is not a fruit." [the pineapple morphs back into Libby] There, all better.
What am I doing in your house?
[unconvincingly] You... came over for a visit.
Ha, I would not! You did something to me, you sent me somewhere - It was small and it smelled like Hawaii!
[apologetic] Look, Libby, I’m sorry, I didn’t-
Oh, not as sorry as you will be! You’re an even bigger freak than I thought, and the whole school’s going to know about it! [runs away]
See? My way, she’d be on a tooth-pick.
It’s over! My life is over! I mean, it’s not just over, it’s over, over!
Oh stop, Libby can’t hurt you. She’s just one person with a crazy story.
She’s a cheerleader - nobody has more credibility! I mean, the only way to make this better is to turn back time, and you said a witch can’t do that!
A witch can’t, but collectively we do have powers that a single witch doesn’t. It’s a union thing.
[hopeful] So, it’s possible?
You can appeal to the Witches Council, but they only grant time reversal in extreme cases.
Like for two months, a bunny ruled all of England.
Salem, do you think the council will grant the time reversal?
I'm the wrong witch to ask. They weren't very lenient with me. Sentenced to a hundred years as a cat. And for what?
Oh, like any young kid, I dreamed of world domination. Of course, they really crack down when you act upon it.
Wow. No wonder you're so possessive of the sofa.
Mmm. It would've been glorious. Me, as the firm, but just, Emperor of Earth - trust me, being a house pet wasn't even "Plan B".
Come on, it's not that bad. You take 5,000 naps a day.
I can't go dancing. I can't play squash. The sound of the can opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.
Salem? Would you like your rubber mouse?
I love being a witch! I don’t know what made the Council change their minds, but I got to do the whole day over again, and now the teachers think I’m smart, the jocks think I’m cool- Oh, and I’m going to the movies with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night! Woo-hoo! I’m normal! Gotta go tell the cat! [runs up the stairs]
[shakes her head, bemused] Teens.
Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat!
RRabbit
Hey, put me back, my wife Renée is about to give birth!
Oh, sorry! [puts him back in the hat]
Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.
Every time he makes a date with Hilda, he breaks it.
He did that once or twice... or maybe a thousand times... but may I remind you that every time that Drell has canceled, he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.
Yeah, he always sends a pot roast.
Flowers wilt - say it with beef!
I think Libby and her friends are talking about us.
No, they’re not. Don’t be so paranoid Jenny.
Paranoid? They’re pointing at us and laughing.
Oh, you're right. Well, just ignore them... [beat] Are they still doing it?
You know, the only reason I took Home Ec. was so I could eat during class; Coach says I’ve still got to bulk up, and carbo-loading can get pretty lonely...
Well, we’ll keep you company any time you have to eat.
Yeah, we’re good at that.
Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to force down eight slices, do you guys wanna watch?
[Libby and C.C. come down the hallway]
[They walk on giggling together]
Hey, is there something funny about our names?
You know, why don’t you guys just leave us alone? We’re not bothering you.
You’re still breathing, aren’t you, freak? [To Jenny] Double freak!
[Libby and C.C walk away, laughing]
[To Jenny] We can’t let her get to us, [slams her locker shut in frustration] it’s what she wants. I just wish I knew what she was saying...
Well, what difference does it make? Everything Libby says is a lie.
Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies about her.
What can we say? That she’s actually nice and sweet?
Not much revenge in that...
No. Face it, the world’d be a much better place if everyone told the truth - but you can’t stop someone from lying.
[Jenny walks away, leaving Sabrina looking thoughtful]
Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?
Yeah, it’s in my bag. [goes over to it] I used it last week when I took my car in for repairs; It turns out I really did need new brake pads. [pulls out a box of sprinkles and hands it to Sabrina]
[reading box] "Jiffy Truth: one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter."
It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me: Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.
[annoyed] That is not what the sprinkles are for! They should only be used in serious matters.
Well, this is serious; You remember Libby? Well, she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and... it’s really upsetting Jenny.
Well, give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t work... [pulls out a plastic aerosol bottle from her bag] ..try some Lady Bald Spot. You just spray it, and-
Hilda, that’s enough! Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles, but let me warn you: the truth can have painful side effects.
Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.
