Salem Saberhagen the cat quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Salem

[watching Mr Kraft and Hilda (as a man) brawl from the stairs] This is better than Pay-per-view!

Salem

A couch who's allergic to cats? Finally, someone whose life is more pathetic than mine!

Salem

I need to call in to Nick Bakay's sports show on ESPN radio. All he ever talks about is the Buffalo Bills, and his voice? LORD, is it annoying!

Salem

Me no funny?

Zelda

Here is a present from your father.

Sabrina

An old book, a black pot - Doesn’t anyone shop at The Gap anymore? [reading the cover] "The Discovery of Magic"... Why’d he give me this? [opens the book to a page depicting a picture of a bearded man in a top hat, labeled Edward beneath it] That’s why! This old magician looks just like my dad.

Surprise! [Sabrina gives a little start] It is your dad! Happy birthday, Sabrina!

Sabrina

[amazed] Wow, Hallmark has gone really high tech! Can he say anything else?

I’m not a hologram, honey - I’m just in a different realm.

Sabrina

A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.

[to his sisters] Zelda, Hilda, didn’t you explain to her she’s a witch?

Hilda

[to the book] She doesn’t believe us!

Sabrina

[exasperated] Not this again... [closes the book] Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up, so... Ha-ha-ha, now it’s over?

Hilda

No. It’s just beginning. You are a witch.

Zelda

With real magical powers, and now that you're sixteen, you can use them. [bemused] And you wanted something from The Gap..

Sabrina

So, what are you saying? that I’m not who I think I am? You’re not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?

Hilda

Oh, finally, she gets it!

Sabrina

This is insane, I’m going to my room. [gets up and heads for the door] Come on, Salem.

Salem

Can you wait till I've finished my milk?

Sabrina

[stops, shocked] Did the cat just talk?

Salem

Yes, and get this stupid hat off my head.

Sabrina

[horrified] Oh my God! [runs away]

Zelda

I think we’d better let her father handle this... Ted?

Sabrina

Salem, do you think the council will grant the time reversal?

Salem

I'm the wrong witch to ask. They weren't very lenient with me. Sentenced to a hundred years as a cat. And for what?

Sabrina

I don't know. For what?

Salem

Oh, like any young kid, I dreamed of world domination. Of course, they really crack down when you act upon it.

Sabrina

Wow. No wonder you're so possessive of the sofa.

Salem

Mmm. It would've been glorious. Me, as the firm, but just, Emperor of Earth - trust me, being a house pet wasn't even "Plan B".

Sabrina

Come on, it's not that bad. You take 5,000 naps a day.

Salem

I can't go dancing. I can't play squash. The sound of the can opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.

Sabrina

Salem? Would you like your rubber mouse?

Salem

...Please.

Salem

[eating the pot roast] Oh, I wish my fur had an elastic waist band...

Zelda

[exasperated] Well, stop eating!

Salem

I can't!

Hilda

Sabrina, d’ya want some breakfast?

Sabrina

[glumly] No thanks, I’ll be out 'Rollerblah'ing.

Hilda

What’s wrong?

Salem

She wanted inline skates, but she wanted a brand name.

Hilda

[sympathetically] Oh, you can’t do that. We have strict copyright laws ever since the seventies, when witches way over did the Gucci.

Salem

You can still get decent knock off’s from the Hong Kong witches...

Salem

I still don’t understand why I can’t go to parents’ night with you.

Zelda

Because, Salem, it’s weird enough that we’re two sisters who live together in an old Victorian house - If we show up with a cat, we cross the line into Loonyville.

Sabrina

Well, I’m off to my job!

Zelda

You’re all dressed up.

Sabrina

Yeah, well, I want to make a good impression on the baby. [beat] And Harvey’s gonna be there.

Zelda

[knowingly] Oh...

Sabrina

Don’t "Oh" - We have a study date!

Hilda

[sceptical] Uh-huh...

Sabrina

Don’t "Uh-huh" - We have a test!

Salem

Mm-hm.

Sabrina

Don’t you start! Look, it’s no big deal, I mean Harvey could have asked anyone to study with him. [pauses, smiles] Of course, he did ask me...

Sabrina

[catches Salem playing with yarn] Salem... What are you doing?

Salem

Er... nothing?

Sabrina

It looks like you're playing with a ball of yarn.

Salem

I have urges, Sabrina.

Sabrina

Look, can we deal with your issues later? I’ve got a bigger problem. [picks him up and carries him away]

Salem

[mournfully] My yarn!

Sabrina

Salem, you're back. How was jail?

Salem

Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.

Sabrina

See? I told you it was nice to help people.

Salem

Are you kidding? I’m not calling.

Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.

Salem

Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.

Salem

You are not going to believe what M’Lady just blurted out!

Zelda

What?

Salem

Come close. [whispers to them]

Zelda

[gasps] I don’t believe it! Marigold is splitting up with Harold?

Hilda

[delighted] Oh, this is the best Halloween, ever!

Sabrina

Hi, I’d like to take half a minute to talk to you about the true meaning of Halloween. It’s not about candy and costumes, it’s about family and showing them how much you care. So, don’t buy into the hype and commercialisation of the season. This Halloween, stay home with your loved ones. Just gather round the Jack-O-Lantern and remember: the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?

Salem

There’s a pound of candy corn inside me.

Sabrina

Ignore him. Happy Halloween.