Amanda quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Sabrina

Hi, Amanda. I’m your cousin, Sabrina.

You better be nice to me, or I’ll put you in a jar.

Sabrina

[taken back] Excuse me?

I put all the people who aren’t nice to me in jars. [picks up a jar with a tiny person trapped inside, and puts it on the table] This is Mr. Altree; he tried to teach me math.

Sabrina

Can he breath in there?

Yes, I gave him air holes. [to the man in the jar] Here’s a math problem, Mr. Altree: five air holes minus one air hole is how many? [places her finger over one of the air holes]

[frightened] No, please! I wanna live! [gets down on his knees] I wanna live!

See? Nobody likes pop quizzes!

I wanna live!

[to a disturbed Sabrina] Do you wanna put someone in a jar?

Sabrina

No! My aunts taught me it’s not nice to use magic to hurt other people!

[snootily] Well, my parents let me use magic any time I want, and I don’t even have to ask.

Sabrina

[under her breath] Brat...

[sharply] What was that?

Sabrina

Nothing!

[showing Hilda and Zelda photographs] ...And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You know, if either one of you ever has a honeymoon, you really must take it in the south of France. [beat] On second thoughts, don’t wait; I wouldn’t want you to miss out!

Hilda

Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.

Zelda

That’s right! Hilda is single completely by choice, because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been dating.

And Zelda? What’s your excuse?

Hilda

Zelda doesn’t need an excuse. She’s passionate about her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.

Mommy, look what I did! [slams a glass jar down on the table]

Zelda

[shocked] Is that Sabrina?!

Hilda

What did you do to her?!

She wouldn’t colour with me.

[delighted] Oh, that is so cute!

Sabrina

[to her aunts] Can we please go home now? I’m really not having any fun! [to Amanda] I’ll colour with you Amanda, please, let me out!

Hilda

[to Zelda, watching Amanda opening her present] There’s nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.

A solid gold dolly! Thank you, Mommy!

It’s from Mommy and Daddy!

Hilda

We got Sabrina something too.

Hilda

[warmly] Happy Halloween.

[patronising] Oh, a nice card. Kids love those...

Sabrina

[reading card] It’s a gift certificate... "To spend half an hour with the deceased of your choice". What’s this?

[surprised] You got her a Reanimation? Those are very pricey.

[upset] I want a Reanimation! I want a Reanimation! I WANT A REANIMATION! [Marigold drags her away]

Sabrina

This is the weirdest gift... What do I do with it?

Hilda

It’s yours to spend as you like.

Zelda

But you must use it tonight - the gap between the living and the dead is weakest on All Hallows Eve