ZeldaGood morning. Happy birthday, Sabrina.
Zelda
Many, many more to come. I, ah, got you a little something. [picks up a wrapped box and brings it over to the table]
Actually, that’s from both of us; I just forgot to sign the card.
Zelda
[hands the birthday present to Sabrina] I hope you don’t already have one.
[Sabrina opens up the box excitedly and pulls out...]
[put out] A black pot? Actually, I don’t. Thanks...
Zelda
It’s a cauldron.
Wow, even better. I can, um, put my pens in it...
Zelda
That’s not what it’s for. Sabrina, we have something to tell you. You see there are two realms, the natural and the supernatural and it turns out the immutable laws of physics-
[interrupting] You're a witch.
[surprised] What do you mean, I’m a witch?
Zelda
Now you're not alone. I’m a witch, Hilda’s a witch, your father’s a witch...
[skeptical] And I suppose my mom’s a witch too?
Zelda
Actually, your mom’s mortal. You see, that’s why you’re here; so that we can teach you how to use your magic.
[Zelda places a large, old, leather bound book in front of Sabrina]
Zelda
Here is a present from your father.
An old book, a black pot - Doesn’t anyone shop at The Gap anymore? [reading the cover] "The Discovery of Magic"... Why’d he give me this? [opens the book to a page depicting a picture of a bearded man in a top hat, labeled Edward beneath it] That’s why! This old magician looks just like my dad.
[The picture turns to look at her]
TTed
Surprise! [Sabrina gives a little start] It is your dad! Happy birthday, Sabrina!
[amazed] Wow, Hallmark has gone really high tech! Can he say anything else?
TTed
I’m not a hologram, honey - I’m just in a different realm.
A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.
TTed
[to his sisters] Zelda, Hilda, didn’t you explain to her she’s a witch?
[to the book] She doesn’t believe us!
[exasperated] Not this again... [closes the book] Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up, so... Ha-ha-ha, now it’s over?
No. It’s just beginning. You are a witch.
Zelda
With real magical powers, and now that you're sixteen, you can use them. [bemused] And you wanted something from The Gap..
So, what are you saying? that I’m not who I think I am? You’re not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?
Oh, finally, she gets it!
This is insane, I’m going to my room. [gets up and heads for the door] Come on, Salem.
Can you wait till I've finished my milk?
[stops, shocked] Did the cat just talk?
Yes, and get this stupid hat off my head.
[horrified] Oh my God! [runs away]
Zelda
I think we’d better let her father handle this... Ted?
[The book levitates of the table and goes after Sabrina]
I hate being a witch! I just turned the most popular girl in school into a pineapple!
Because it’s the only thing you taught me how to do!
Relax, I can fix this. [takes the pineapple and grabs a knife] Chunks or rings?
Zelda
Hilda, there are other ways.
Zelda
Sabrina doesn’t know how to seal her spells yet, so... [Hilda reluctantly puts down the knife and stands back] "The popular girl is not a fruit." [the pineapple morphs back into Libby] There, all better.
What am I doing in your house?
[unconvincingly] You... came over for a visit.
Ha, I would not! You did something to me, you sent me somewhere - It was small and it smelled like Hawaii!
[apologetic] Look, Libby, I’m sorry, I didn’t-
Oh, not as sorry as you will be! You’re an even bigger freak than I thought, and the whole school’s going to know about it! [runs away]
See? My way, she’d be on a tooth-pick.
It’s over! My life is over! I mean, it’s not just over, it’s over, over!
Zelda
Oh stop, Libby can’t hurt you. She’s just one person with a crazy story.
She’s a cheerleader - nobody has more credibility! I mean, the only way to make this better is to turn back time, and you said a witch can’t do that!
Zelda
A witch can’t, but collectively we do have powers that a single witch doesn’t. It’s a union thing.
[hopeful] So, it’s possible?
Zelda
You can appeal to the Witches Council, but they only grant time reversal in extreme cases.
Like for two months, a bunny ruled all of England.
I love being a witch! I don’t know what made the Council change their minds, but I got to do the whole day over again, and now the teachers think I’m smart, the jocks think I’m cool- Oh, and I’m going to the movies with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night! Woo-hoo! I’m normal! Gotta go tell the cat! [runs up the stairs]
[shakes her head, bemused] Teens.
Zelda
What about them?
Zelda
Every time he makes a date with Hilda, he breaks it.
He did that once or twice... or maybe a thousand times... but may I remind you that every time that Drell has canceled, he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.
Zelda
Yeah, he always sends a pot roast.
Flowers wilt - say it with beef!
Zelda
Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?
Yeah, it’s in my bag. [goes over to it] I used it last week when I took my car in for repairs; It turns out I really did need new brake pads. [pulls out a box of sprinkles and hands it to Sabrina]
[reading box] "Jiffy Truth: one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter."
It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me: Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.
Zelda
[annoyed] That is not what the sprinkles are for! They should only be used in serious matters.
Well, this is serious; You remember Libby? Well, she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and... it’s really upsetting Jenny.
Well, give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t work... [pulls out a plastic aerosol bottle from her bag] ..try some Lady Bald Spot. You just spray it, and-
Zelda
Hilda, that’s enough! Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles, but let me warn you: the truth can have painful side effects.
Zelda
Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.
Zelda
I have something to say: I know I said that Drell would stand you up and this date would never happen, and... I was wrong.
I love it when you say that. Will you say it again?
Zelda
No. Look, just have fun on your date. After all you’ve been through with Drell, you deserve a good time.
Hilda: Thanks, bye. Gotta go, I don’t wanna keep Drell waiting. [pause] Although it is kind of a funny image; Drell, waiting. [opens the Linen Closet, stops, then closes it again] I just had the best idea: I’m not going!
Zelda
[surprised] What?
I’m standing Drell up! I’m going to give him a taste of his own pot roast!
Zelda
[delighted] Oh Hilda, that’s perfect! Those self-help books are really paying off!
I know! Now, lock me in my bedroom before I change my mind!
Zelda
You’re all dressed up.
Yeah, well, I want to make a good impression on the baby. [beat] And Harvey’s gonna be there.
Zelda
[knowingly] Oh...
Don’t "Oh" - We have a study date!
Don’t "Uh-huh" - We have a test!
Don’t you start! Look, it’s no big deal, I mean Harvey could have asked anyone to study with him. [pauses, smiles] Of course, he did ask me...
I need to go to the nurse.
Er, is there a problem... [looks at Hilda's nametag] ...Mrs. Spellman?
Zelda
No, she’s fine - and it’s "Miss Spellman".
Zelda
Oh, I’m also "Miss Spellman". We’re Sabrina’s aunts - Sisters, not an alternative couple.
Zelda
[flattered] Yes, and you?
[grins slightly] Extremely.
[to herself] Now I really am gonna throw up...
This magic ruins everything! He’s supposed to be in his crib sucking his thumb, and I’m supposed to be studying with Harvey!
Zelda
Oh...
Stop that, this is serious!
Zelda
Oh, calm down Sabrina... Just try to figure out exactly what you did.
I don’t know, I don’t remember! Rudy was crying, I picked him up, I said "big boys don’t cry" and I rubbed his back!
Zelda
Did you say anything else?
...He’s right, I said ‘be a big boy’!
Zelda
And I bet you said it three times!
Oh, mystery solved; You cast a passion spell!
Passion spell? What’s that?
If you want something enough, and you say it three times, it might just happen.
Zelda
We like to call it a Travis.
Zelda
Randy Travis, Randy Travis, Randy Travis.
[a slightly bemused Randy Travis appears next to her]
RTRandy Travis
What a...What am I doin’ here?
Zelda
Oh, we were just illustrating a point for our niece. I hope we haven’t caught you at a bad time...
RTRandy Travis
No, it’s fine. My wife does wonder where I keep popping off to, though... Will there be anything else?
RTRandy Travis
If you need me, you’ll know where to find me. You always do. [leaves the classroom]
Zelda
Oh, I love his new album...!
Can we get back to me, here?
Zelda
Hello, Drell. What a pleasant surprise.
DDrell
No, it's not. I summoned you and you're here. Hilda... What's with your hair?
My new boyfriend likes it this way.
DDrell
Oh, your new boyfriend. What's his name?
DDrell
Well, I hope you and "Um..." are very happy. Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?
DDrell
Stop me if something sounds familiar: Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
Zelda
[alarmed] Sabrina?!
I was just trying to help people!
DDrell
"Help" is a four letter word, like "Dumb" and "Move". Am I right?
Well, first of all, the people I helped were happy.. but now, only one is, and he’s happy enough for all three of them, though. So-
DDrell
Now, I should explain to you that when I say "Am I right?", IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.
Zelda
Drell, please. Sabrina's a good kid.
And things are hard on her. Her mother's in Peru. Her father's in a book.
DDrell
And I'm in the land of "I Don't Care!" You're her guardians. You should have warned her that if you meddle with people's lives, terrible things could happen.
Zelda
Well, I did. That's exactly what I said.
So did Salem, but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.
DDrell
Oh, geez. [over the intercom] Marge, get the guys down in Ominous Warnings to tweak up the reverb on the word "terrible." Terrible. Terrible. TERRIBLE!!!! Ooh, that's nice, that's nice. [over the intercom] Thank you, Marge. Now, that was Marge's mistake. [makes a hand gesture causing a flash of lightning and woman screaming outside his office] And now back to yours. Now, the football injury and class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and wreak havoc on MY T-BILLS! Now, are you going to fix this [holds up a small cat collar] or should I gave Salem a little blonde KITTY FRIEND?!
No, I can fix it. I mean I just have to erase the knowledge, right? I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.
DDrell
You got a day. That's 23 hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post! [laughs] You're done! Go! Get outta here! [Sabrina and Zelda leave] Um, except you, Hilda. Why don't you, uh... stay a moment?
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch · 191 quotes
