Mr. Rothwell quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Mr. Rothwell

[accusingly] What was that?

Sabrina

[quickly stands up] I dropped my pencil.

Mr. Rothwell

[scoffs] Oh, please! I know what’s going on here; you were leaning over to look at your neighbour's test!

Sabrina

[shocked] No! I-!

Mr. Rothwell

[interrupting, snatching Sabrina's test] That’s it! Come sit at my desk, you’ll take the test there! Then I won't have to worry about you cheating!

Sabrina

But I’ve never cheated on a test in my life!

Mr. Rothwell

Then this should be no problem.

Hilda

Mr. Rothwell?

Mr. Rothwell

Yeah?

Hilda

Hi, I’m Hilda Spellman, Sabrina’s aunt. I wanted to talk to you about the test she took today.

Mr. Rothwell

Excellent timing, I’ve just finished correcting them. I’ll find hers.

Hilda

Oh, thanks. See, she’s upset because she thinks she’s failed, but I know she didn’t because she’s very bright and she studied so hard-

Mr. Rothwell

[interrupting] She got an ‘F’

Hilda

[shocked] That’s impossible! Are you sure you added it up right?

Mr. Rothwell

[mockingly] Miss Spellman, I’m a math teacher but feel free to double check. [He gets up from his desk to put the marked papers away and shows off an inordinately large butt. Hilda stifles a giggle] There were fifteen questions. The first five were worth forty points, the next five worth forty-five and the last five were worth fifteen. Sabrina got two of the biggies, three of the middies and one of the babies for a grand total of forty-five points. What percent of a hundred?

Hilda

Oh! I-er... Fifteen questions, one hundred points, thirty-two... I have no idea!

Mr. Rothwell

Forty-five percent! Jeez, no wonder she failed...

Hilda

[gasps] But I didn’t have a chance to study for this meeting!

Zelda

I wanted to discuss this rationally but you’re making it hard.

Mr. Rothwell

Hey, she failed the test - what do you want me to do about it?

Zelda

But the circumstances were unfair!

Mr. Rothwell

Look, if it makes you feel better, you can blame this on me. But I think we both know these problems start at home.

Zelda

[sharply] What problems?

Mr. Rothwell

Hey, if the kid can’t master the quadratic equation, that says to me: dysfunctional family.

Zelda

[angered] We function just fine!

Mr. Rothwell

Tell it to her social worker.

Would the defendant like to make a closing statement?

Mr. Rothwell

[irritated] Yes, I would! Your honour, I’m not a baby-sitter. I’m paid to teach math, and that is what I do. Yes, I could be more sensitive, but let’s face it: The world is full of people like me. People who choose favourites. People who don’t accept excuses. People who are ‘Unfair’. Well, life is unfair and I’m just helping my students to get used to that.

Mr. Rothwell, just one last question: Do you intend to teach high school for the rest of your life?

Mr. Rothwell

[scoffs] Are you kidding? I’m just doing this until I can start up my own software company.

Thank you. Well, I will return with my decision and a fresh cup of cocoa.