Hilda Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Hilda

I remember the first time a boy gave me a star... Next thing I knew, three wise men were at the door.

Hilda

You really have to get it exactly right the first time; otherwise, there may be side effects. I remember one time I was making rum balls and I got tired, so I made a "Make Everything Round" spell... Well, let's just say you can thank me for Columbus Day.

Hilda

Wow, you'd think I'd remember swallowing that...

Hilda

I hate doctors! They poke you, and ask if that hurts. Of course it hurts, you just poked me!

Hilda

If I don't get that clock back today, I am gonna OFF SOMEBODY!

Sabrina

Morning.

Zelda

Good morning. Happy birthday, Sabrina.

Hilda

And many more to come.

Zelda

Many, many more to come. I, ah, got you a little something. [picks up a wrapped box and brings it over to the table]

Hilda

Actually, that’s from both of us; I just forgot to sign the card.

Zelda

[hands the birthday present to Sabrina] I hope you don’t already have one.

Sabrina

[put out] A black pot? Actually, I don’t. Thanks...

Zelda

It’s a cauldron.

Sabrina

Wow, even better. I can, um, put my pens in it...

Zelda

That’s not what it’s for. Sabrina, we have something to tell you. You see there are two realms, the natural and the supernatural and it turns out the immutable laws of physics-

Hilda

[interrupting] You're a witch.

Sabrina

[surprised] What do you mean, I’m a witch?

Hilda

You’re a witch.

Zelda

Now you're not alone. I’m a witch, Hilda’s a witch, your father’s a witch...

Sabrina

[skeptical] And I suppose my mom’s a witch too?

Hilda

I always thought so.

Zelda

Actually, your mom’s mortal. You see, that’s why you’re here; so that we can teach you how to use your magic.

Zelda

Here is a present from your father.

Sabrina

An old book, a black pot - Doesn’t anyone shop at The Gap anymore? [reading the cover] "The Discovery of Magic"... Why’d he give me this? [opens the book to a page depicting a picture of a bearded man in a top hat, labeled Edward beneath it] That’s why! This old magician looks just like my dad.

Surprise! [Sabrina gives a little start] It is your dad! Happy birthday, Sabrina!

Sabrina

[amazed] Wow, Hallmark has gone really high tech! Can he say anything else?

I’m not a hologram, honey - I’m just in a different realm.

Sabrina

A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.

[to his sisters] Zelda, Hilda, didn’t you explain to her she’s a witch?

Hilda

[to the book] She doesn’t believe us!

Sabrina

[exasperated] Not this again... [closes the book] Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up, so... Ha-ha-ha, now it’s over?

Hilda

No. It’s just beginning. You are a witch.

Zelda

With real magical powers, and now that you're sixteen, you can use them. [bemused] And you wanted something from The Gap..

Sabrina

So, what are you saying? that I’m not who I think I am? You’re not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?

Hilda

Oh, finally, she gets it!

Sabrina

This is insane, I’m going to my room. [gets up and heads for the door] Come on, Salem.

Salem

Can you wait till I've finished my milk?

Sabrina

[stops, shocked] Did the cat just talk?

Salem

Yes, and get this stupid hat off my head.

Sabrina

[horrified] Oh my God! [runs away]

Zelda

I think we’d better let her father handle this... Ted?

Sabrina

I’m a witch and I still have to go to school?

Zelda

M-hm.

Sabrina

Unfair. [deviously] Hey, maybe I’ll turn Mr. Pool into...

Hilda

Now! Now! Be careful pointing your finger at people, it could be dangerous!

Sabrina

You're pointing at me.

Hilda

[smiles] I have the safety on.

Sabrina

I hate being a witch! I just turned the most popular girl in school into a pineapple!

Hilda

Why?

Sabrina

Because it’s the only thing you taught me how to do!

Hilda

Relax, I can fix this. [takes the pineapple and grabs a knife] Chunks or rings?

Zelda

Hilda, there are other ways.

Hilda

Wedges?

Zelda

Sabrina doesn’t know how to seal her spells yet, so... [Hilda reluctantly puts down the knife and stands back] "The popular girl is not a fruit." [the pineapple morphs back into Libby] There, all better.

Libby

What am I doing in your house?

Sabrina

[unconvincingly] You... came over for a visit.

Libby

Ha, I would not! You did something to me, you sent me somewhere - It was small and it smelled like Hawaii!

Sabrina

[apologetic] Look, Libby, I’m sorry, I didn’t-

Libby

Oh, not as sorry as you will be! You’re an even bigger freak than I thought, and the whole school’s going to know about it! [runs away]

Hilda

See? My way, she’d be on a tooth-pick.

Sabrina

It’s over! My life is over! I mean, it’s not just over, it’s over, over!

Zelda

Oh stop, Libby can’t hurt you. She’s just one person with a crazy story.

Sabrina

She’s a cheerleader - nobody has more credibility! I mean, the only way to make this better is to turn back time, and you said a witch can’t do that!

Zelda

A witch can’t, but collectively we do have powers that a single witch doesn’t. It’s a union thing.

Sabrina

[hopeful] So, it’s possible?

Zelda

You can appeal to the Witches Council, but they only grant time reversal in extreme cases.

Hilda

Like for two months, a bunny ruled all of England.

Sabrina

[confused] When?

Hilda

See?

Sabrina

I love being a witch! I don’t know what made the Council change their minds, but I got to do the whole day over again, and now the teachers think I’m smart, the jocks think I’m cool- Oh, and I’m going to the movies with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night! Woo-hoo! I’m normal! Gotta go tell the cat! [runs up the stairs]

Hilda

[shakes her head, bemused] Teens.

Zelda

What about them?

Hilda

Just in general.

Sabrina

Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat!

Hey, put me back, my wife Renée is about to give birth!

Sabrina

Oh, sorry! [puts him back in the hat]

Hilda

Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.

Zelda

Every time he makes a date with Hilda, he breaks it.

Hilda

He did that once or twice... or maybe a thousand times... but may I remind you that every time that Drell has canceled, he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.

Zelda

Yeah, he always sends a pot roast.

Sabrina

A pot roast?

Hilda

Flowers wilt - say it with beef!

Zelda

Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?

Hilda

Yeah, it’s in my bag. [goes over to it] I used it last week when I took my car in for repairs; It turns out I really did need new brake pads. [pulls out a box of sprinkles and hands it to Sabrina]

Sabrina

[reading box] "Jiffy Truth: one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter."

Hilda

It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me: Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.

Zelda

[annoyed] That is not what the sprinkles are for! They should only be used in serious matters.

Sabrina

Well, this is serious; You remember Libby? Well, she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and... it’s really upsetting Jenny.

Hilda

Well, give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t work... [pulls out a plastic aerosol bottle from her bag] ..try some Lady Bald Spot. You just spray it, and-

Zelda

Hilda, that’s enough! Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles, but let me warn you: the truth can have painful side effects.

Sabrina

Like what?

Zelda

Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.

Sabrina

Sounds like gym class.

Zelda

I have something to say: I know I said that Drell would stand you up and this date would never happen, and... I was wrong.

Hilda

I love it when you say that. Will you say it again?

Zelda

No. Look, just have fun on your date. After all you’ve been through with Drell, you deserve a good time.

Zelda

[surprised] What?

Hilda

I’m standing Drell up! I’m going to give him a taste of his own pot roast!

Zelda

[delighted] Oh Hilda, that’s perfect! Those self-help books are really paying off!

Hilda

I know! Now, lock me in my bedroom before I change my mind!

Hilda

Sabrina, d’ya want some breakfast?

Sabrina

[glumly] No thanks, I’ll be out 'Rollerblah'ing.

Hilda

What’s wrong?

Salem

She wanted inline skates, but she wanted a brand name.

Hilda

[sympathetically] Oh, you can’t do that. We have strict copyright laws ever since the seventies, when witches way over did the Gucci.

Salem

You can still get decent knock off’s from the Hong Kong witches...