Sabrina Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Sabrina

[to the trophy] Okay, I was gonna run you under hot water but now you get nothing.

Sabrina

I just don’t get why they’re making us read 1984 when Orwell got so much wrong...

Sabrina

I'm too weak to lie, I didn't wear my mittens.

Sabrina

At the end of the day, the important thing to remember is that Aaron loves me, and I love Harvey.

Sabrina

Morning.

Zelda

Good morning. Happy birthday, Sabrina.

Hilda

And many more to come.

Zelda

Many, many more to come. I, ah, got you a little something. [picks up a wrapped box and brings it over to the table]

Hilda

Actually, that’s from both of us; I just forgot to sign the card.

Zelda

[hands the birthday present to Sabrina] I hope you don’t already have one.

Sabrina

[put out] A black pot? Actually, I don’t. Thanks...

Zelda

It’s a cauldron.

Sabrina

Wow, even better. I can, um, put my pens in it...

Zelda

That’s not what it’s for. Sabrina, we have something to tell you. You see there are two realms, the natural and the supernatural and it turns out the immutable laws of physics-

Hilda

[interrupting] You're a witch.

Sabrina

[surprised] What do you mean, I’m a witch?

Hilda

You’re a witch.

Zelda

Now you're not alone. I’m a witch, Hilda’s a witch, your father’s a witch...

Sabrina

[skeptical] And I suppose my mom’s a witch too?

Hilda

I always thought so.

Zelda

Actually, your mom’s mortal. You see, that’s why you’re here; so that we can teach you how to use your magic.

Zelda

Here is a present from your father.

Sabrina

An old book, a black pot - Doesn’t anyone shop at The Gap anymore? [reading the cover] "The Discovery of Magic"... Why’d he give me this? [opens the book to a page depicting a picture of a bearded man in a top hat, labeled Edward beneath it] That’s why! This old magician looks just like my dad.

Surprise! [Sabrina gives a little start] It is your dad! Happy birthday, Sabrina!

Sabrina

[amazed] Wow, Hallmark has gone really high tech! Can he say anything else?

I’m not a hologram, honey - I’m just in a different realm.

Sabrina

A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.

[to his sisters] Zelda, Hilda, didn’t you explain to her she’s a witch?

Hilda

[to the book] She doesn’t believe us!

Sabrina

[exasperated] Not this again... [closes the book] Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up, so... Ha-ha-ha, now it’s over?

Hilda

No. It’s just beginning. You are a witch.

Zelda

With real magical powers, and now that you're sixteen, you can use them. [bemused] And you wanted something from The Gap..

Sabrina

So, what are you saying? that I’m not who I think I am? You’re not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?

Hilda

Oh, finally, she gets it!

Sabrina

This is insane, I’m going to my room. [gets up and heads for the door] Come on, Salem.

Salem

Can you wait till I've finished my milk?

Sabrina

[stops, shocked] Did the cat just talk?

Salem

Yes, and get this stupid hat off my head.

Sabrina

[horrified] Oh my God! [runs away]

Zelda

I think we’d better let her father handle this... Ted?

[voice muffled by the pages] Sabrina, open me up!

Sabrina

No!

We have to talk, young lady! Open me up this instant!

Sabrina

No! I don’t want to talk to a book. Oh God, I’m talking to a book! [opens the book] I can’t be a witch! Witches don’t exist!

Honey, I know this is hard, but you just have to accept it. You’re not like other kids - you’re special.

Sabrina

I don’t wanna be special, I wanna be normal!

I understand, but... that ship has sailed.

Sabrina

None of this makes sense. I mean, all these years, I thought you were travelling with the Foreign Service!

I am; It’s just a lot more foreign than you thought.

Sabrina

And Mom? Has she really been digging for fossils in Peru?

Yes, she is.

Sabrina

Then I wanna go live with her.

You can’t. You see, there’s a rule: If you set eyes on your mother in the next two years, she’ll turn into a ball of wax.

Sabrina

What?!

It’s the way they discourage Mortal-Witch marriages.

Sabrina

So, is that the reason you and Mom got divorced?

No.

Sabrina

[hopeful] So, d’ya think maybe you could get back together?

No - that’s another ship that’s sailed. [Sabrina deflates] You’re going to be fine. Just take some time, and think about all this. And, if you ever need me, I’m in the index.

Sabrina

I’m a witch and I still have to go to school?

Zelda

M-hm.

Sabrina

Unfair. [deviously] Hey, maybe I’ll turn Mr. Pool into...

Hilda

Now! Now! Be careful pointing your finger at people, it could be dangerous!

Sabrina

You're pointing at me.

Hilda

[smiles] I have the safety on.

Harvey

Can I sit here?

Sabrina

Sure.

Harvey

[eases into his seat] How’s your head?

Sabrina

Um, it kinda hurts.

Harvey

Sorry, y’know, I didn’t mean to hit you with the football...

Sabrina

Oh, that was you? [Harvey nods] You have a really good arm.

Harvey

[smiles] Thanks.

Sabrina

[gestures to Jenny] Do you know Jenny?

Harvey

You live in the house with the funny mailbox, right?

Jenny

Oh, it’s not our fault; The people who lived there before us were actually named Mr. and Mrs. Hog.

Harvey

No, it’s cute! My mailbox is boring, it’s really just a place to put letters...

Sabrina

Mine too!

Sabrina

I hate being a witch! I just turned the most popular girl in school into a pineapple!

Hilda

Why?

Sabrina

Because it’s the only thing you taught me how to do!

Hilda

Relax, I can fix this. [takes the pineapple and grabs a knife] Chunks or rings?

Zelda

Hilda, there are other ways.

Hilda

Wedges?

Zelda

Sabrina doesn’t know how to seal her spells yet, so... [Hilda reluctantly puts down the knife and stands back] "The popular girl is not a fruit." [the pineapple morphs back into Libby] There, all better.

Libby

What am I doing in your house?

Sabrina

[unconvincingly] You... came over for a visit.

Libby

Ha, I would not! You did something to me, you sent me somewhere - It was small and it smelled like Hawaii!

Sabrina

[apologetic] Look, Libby, I’m sorry, I didn’t-

Libby

Oh, not as sorry as you will be! You’re an even bigger freak than I thought, and the whole school’s going to know about it! [runs away]

Hilda

See? My way, she’d be on a tooth-pick.

Sabrina

It’s over! My life is over! I mean, it’s not just over, it’s over, over!

Zelda

Oh stop, Libby can’t hurt you. She’s just one person with a crazy story.

Sabrina

She’s a cheerleader - nobody has more credibility! I mean, the only way to make this better is to turn back time, and you said a witch can’t do that!

Zelda

A witch can’t, but collectively we do have powers that a single witch doesn’t. It’s a union thing.

Sabrina

[hopeful] So, it’s possible?

Zelda

You can appeal to the Witches Council, but they only grant time reversal in extreme cases.

Hilda

Like for two months, a bunny ruled all of England.

Sabrina

[confused] When?

Hilda

See?

Sabrina

Salem, do you think the council will grant the time reversal?

Salem

I'm the wrong witch to ask. They weren't very lenient with me. Sentenced to a hundred years as a cat. And for what?

Sabrina

I don't know. For what?

Salem

Oh, like any young kid, I dreamed of world domination. Of course, they really crack down when you act upon it.

Sabrina

Wow. No wonder you're so possessive of the sofa.

Salem

Mmm. It would've been glorious. Me, as the firm, but just, Emperor of Earth - trust me, being a house pet wasn't even "Plan B".

Sabrina

Come on, it's not that bad. You take 5,000 naps a day.

Salem

I can't go dancing. I can't play squash. The sound of the can opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.

Sabrina

Salem? Would you like your rubber mouse?

Salem

...Please.

Sabrina

I love being a witch! I don’t know what made the Council change their minds, but I got to do the whole day over again, and now the teachers think I’m smart, the jocks think I’m cool- Oh, and I’m going to the movies with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night! Woo-hoo! I’m normal! Gotta go tell the cat! [runs up the stairs]

Hilda

[shakes her head, bemused] Teens.

Zelda

What about them?

Hilda

Just in general.

Sabrina

Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat!

Hey, put me back, my wife Renée is about to give birth!

Sabrina

Oh, sorry! [puts him back in the hat]

Hilda

Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.

Zelda

Every time he makes a date with Hilda, he breaks it.

Hilda

He did that once or twice... or maybe a thousand times... but may I remind you that every time that Drell has canceled, he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.

Zelda

Yeah, he always sends a pot roast.

Sabrina

A pot roast?

Hilda

Flowers wilt - say it with beef!

Jenny

I think Libby and her friends are talking about us.

Sabrina

No, they’re not. Don’t be so paranoid Jenny.

Jenny

Paranoid? They’re pointing at us and laughing.

Sabrina

Oh, you're right. Well, just ignore them... [beat] Are they still doing it?