Summer quotes from Rick and Morty

Where are my testicles, Summer? [long beat] Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Summer

Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Do not call me that! [smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams] "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.

Summer

Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

[walks on her bed] Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Summer

Uhhh... [Jerry and Beth come in]

Jerry

Hey... [Beth gasps] Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here?

Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Jerry

No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh...

Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

Summer

Yeah! Totally! Let's go.

You will walk when it is time to walk.

[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!

I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!

You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!

Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?

Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?

Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.

Every tenth.

Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]

Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Washing dishes?

No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]

Summer

Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?

Yeah, d— Just don't do it.

Summer

Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]

Jerry

Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!

Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Yessiree!

—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]

All done!

Jerry

Wow!

—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]

Summer

Oh, my God! He exploded!

Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.

All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!

Summer

[uses alternate reality goggles] Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable?

When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

Jerry

Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. [uses goggles]

Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

Jerry

Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

Jerry

All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!

Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? [she glares at him] I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer—

Summer

No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it.

Can I show you something?

Summer

Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!

[points outside] THAT, out there? That's my grave.

Summer

[understandably confused] Wait, what?

On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse!

Summer

[deeply shocked] So…you're not my brother?

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. [beat] …Come watch TV?

Oh, look, it’s Rosemary’s Baby! How's business?

Summer

Here’s the last of our inventory. We’re going to file chapter 11 and do some restructuring.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick!"

Summer

That was important to you, wasn’t it?

Nope, it was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for twenty minutes.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler?

Summer

I thought everyone was welcome.

It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out [belch] it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser.

Rick... you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being! But I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY! [accidentally nudges at Brad]

Whoa! What's up, man?

I have no quarrel with you, boy.

"Boy"? What's that supposed to mean?

It's just-- L-Look, I-I-I don't know how you thought I mean it, but... [shrugs at Rick]

Don't look at me, dude.

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so...

So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!

No, but... [strains] Y'know—

What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?!

Leave him alone, Brad!

Stay outta this, Jessica!

KICK HIS ASS, BRAD! [everyone starts chanting] KICK HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS!

Brad! [runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]

Rick!!

[pushes him] Just did you a favor, Morty.

This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.

And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?!

Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is."

Or...?

We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.

How do you know that I—

Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!

Huh, what do ya know—it's working. [the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly] Oh... shit!

What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four!

That hurt! That was painful!

Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both uhh-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out!

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! [talk differently at the same time] You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass!

Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself!

All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?

Yes.

All right, perfect. Sit still, arr-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa.

You mean drunk?

What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go!

No.

And awaaay we go! [presses his button but no response] Huh, that's weird.

Huh, that's weird. [keeps pressing to no avail] Oh my God.

What? / Oh my God.

What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! [both Ricks tinker time-device]

Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?!

Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore!

He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ehh-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! [chuckling] I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now.

Rick, what the hell are you doing?!

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you!

Who?!

Me! [Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]

You see that?! Get down! [shoots upwards at Rick 1]

I told you! He's a psycho!

He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy!

I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap!

Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! [all Mortys and Summers do so] Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! [all Ricks shoot their cupboards] URAAAHHHH!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!!

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.

Jerry

But I've known him my whole life!

No, you haven't, Jerry! [lifts it onto the table] These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting.

Steve wasn't real?!

He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. [drops it] Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.

Summer

Someone?

Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. [burps, unloads laser clip] So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooooh-wee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Summer

OH MY GOD! [covers her eyes]

[covering himself] I-I-I thought you went to a concert!

Summer

We forgot the tickets! WHY IN THE KITCHEN?!

I DO IT EVERYWHERE, STOP SHAMING ME!

Summer

YOU'RE NOT THE VICTIM HERE!

I HATE YOU AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR FRIEND GRACE!

From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.

Jerry

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh, fuck...!

[shocked] Wait, but I--

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh Beth, why?!

Jerry

[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.

Summer

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!

I-I thought--

Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?

Oh geez! Oh my god!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...

Summer

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!

Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

Summer

Well, what are we going to do?!

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Summer

Any leads on the vampire?

No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go.

Summer

Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is?

It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. [closes locker next to Tiny Rick] Ahh!

What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha!

Rick?! H-How did you—

Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!!

O-o-okay...

Summer

Well, it's good you're here, Rick.

It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! [all hands join, up high] Tiny Rick!

Summer

Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews!

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. [Summer hides her face] I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'.

[beat] ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. [strolls] Summer.

Summer

..He knows my name!

Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, [nudges Summer's arm] not even the dreamboats.

Summer

[flattered] Stop, Tiny Rick.

HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! TINY RIIICK!!!

Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top.

Summer

Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight?

No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! [high-fives Morty]

Tiny Rick! [Morty laughs]

Summer

Okay, but if not tonight, when?

I dunno. When I feel like it?

Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along.

Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick!

Summer

But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

[beat, laugh out loud] Oh, Summer!

It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem?

Summer

Look at his art, Morty!

I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad.

Summer

Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?!

[crumbles, throws paper] Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!!

Summer

Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!

Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!

Summer

Morty, you have to help me!

Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!

Summer

No!

Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. [leaves, then comes back] And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! [leaves, then comes back again] Get your shit together. [leaves]

It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson!

Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn't get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news...

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that?

I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? [changes channel]

Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson.

Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left!

Oh my God, and his name's Pichael!

I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! [drags conjoined Michael] Stop tugging, Michael!

Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins!

You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news!

Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name!

Hey, flip back to the news!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. [the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side] It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.

Summer

I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time?

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."

[throws papers at Pichael's face] Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit!