President quotes from Rick and Morty

The office of the President can't coexist with a living god that won't submit to it! I mean, besides Poseidon. But he's locked up in Area 51 already, so that doesn't really count.

You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties!

[to a dishevelled Rick] What kind of grandfather are you?! It's Christmas, for God's sake, and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid!

I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won’t go away until Uhh-Earth shows them it’s got... [dramatically] a hit song!

You mean like Vivaldi?

No, Frasier - a live performance of a newly written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.

All right, all right, thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. [silence] The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies” - you people haven’t heard of The-Dream?

You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

How do you know about that?

For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps!

Sir? Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy - they’re all dead.

What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

[clumsily piloting a helicopter] I’m really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!

Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck!

Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out.

"Kennedy Sex Tunnels"?

Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He didn't free them all. And let me know when you're done.

Maybe then we can get a selfie?

Too busy, Morty! [to his aides] Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one?

We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time.

You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits.

Peace summits are important!

Oh yeah, they work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!

YOU suck!

Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.

What?

They signed something called the "Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a Star Wars cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah.

I still say it has to be Putin.

IT WAS RICK AND MORTY, YOU FUCKING DUNCE!

But you're getting the credit, sir. Your approval rating just hit 100%. Why would Rick and Morty want that?

BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSHOLES!

This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast.

My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. [unravels a poster of the Grand Canyon]

Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? [silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks] Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? [stifled sniggers are heard] Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--?

Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went!

What the fuck is that?

Not what... who.

The only thing to fear is me!

How the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?!

It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?"

"We"? You're taking credit for this?!

The office comes with baggage, Morty!

What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?!

I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them!

Okay, Fight Club - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on!

You get paid to make sports metaphors!

Summer

The turkey is raw, dad. Shit's potato bunz.

Jerry

Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. So I guess elections do have consequences.

Eat my ass, Jerry! I've seen your IRS records. You can blame me once you have taxable income.

[laughs, then catches himself] Yes, Jerry's a piece of shit, I agree.

You got something to tell me, Morty?

[awkwardly] Merry... Christmas?

Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fսcking vertical?!

Oh, sh...

Guess what, numbnuts? It's a mile deep and still going! You know what's in the hilt of that thing?

Kyber crystals!

Okay, nerd. Whatever it is, when it hits the core, it's gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth!

I-It is?!

Why are you still playing with laser swords anyway? You're fourteen! You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right? Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered, fans turned on him, and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot, and churned out these irredeemable cash-grabs! Half pretend to be satisfied, half shit on it - and in the end, no one's happy! Do you know why, Morty? Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.

Why you crying?! Where's Rick?

He's busy. A-And I hate him! And I lost my lightsaber, and now it might destroy Earth, and you're unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one, and i-it's the worst Christmas ever!

[trying to comfort him] Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty. I shouldn't have talked to you like you're a UN official. Let's get your embarrassing-ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around instead of kissing girls.

Alright. Your derivative drill ship is now faster than a lightsaber. Morty, you want front or back?

Who says the two of us are going? Y-Y-You didn't even want to...

Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye! Good luck. Don't blow up my planet.

You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!

Because I am the one, Morty! You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid "Knights of the Sun" thing? I said "Don't take the fucking sword," and you were like "whatever" like I'm our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something. You called me boring. I've become dog shit to you. That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you. They touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fuckin' family. Go ahead. Trust him (The President). You're gonna learn the same fuckin' thing.

I... am not going to kill your family, Morty.

That means a lot.

May the Force be with... me!

I think you mean with me. [takes it from him and chuckles]

[held back by an orderly] What?! You hate Star Wars!

I was your age when this shit was in theatres. This franchise raised me, trained me, taught me good from evil, made having a bad father empowering! And when that third movie got all... "Muppety", something in me began to rot! But make no mistake, child - I own Star Wars, not you! Not that bubble-throat pompadour fuck, not some Mickey Mouse shit machine - they didn't pay the price with their souls! I did! I earned this, not you! America, transform and roll out! [leads everyone on a march out of Rick's lair]

BASTAAAARD!!!