Jerry quotes from Rick and Morty

Jerry

Is this people or not people? I-- I just need to know how much I should pretend to be upset.

Where are my testicles, Summer? [long beat] Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Summer

Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Do not call me that! [smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams] "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.

Summer

Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

[walks on her bed] Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Summer

Uhhh... [Jerry and Beth come in]

Jerry

Hey... [Beth gasps] Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here?

Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Jerry

No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh...

Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

Summer

Yeah! Totally! Let's go.

You will walk when it is time to walk.

Jerry

Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?!

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up.

[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!

I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!

You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!

Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?

Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?

Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.

Every tenth.

Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]

Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Washing dishes?

No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]

Summer

Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?

Yeah, d— Just don't do it.

Summer

Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]

Jerry

Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!

Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Yessiree!

—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]

All done!

Jerry

Wow!

—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]

Summer

Oh, my God! He exploded!

Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.

All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!

Jerry

Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.

You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!

Jerry

Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...

[opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."

Jerry

I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.

[rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry

My marriage is FINE, thank you.

Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!

Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.

Summer

[uses alternate reality goggles] Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable?

When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

Jerry

Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. [uses goggles]

Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

Jerry

Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

Jerry

All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!

Jerry

Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that.

Jerry

Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system?

Um... [holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie] I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A.

Butter.

Jerry

But—

You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. [Jerry begins to shut the door] And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know?

Jerry

Oh, I, uh... I think I understa—

You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.

Jerry

I get it. Say no more.

I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing something.

Jerry

I got it! Noted! Good night!

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.

Jerry

But I've known him my whole life!

No, you haven't, Jerry! [lifts it onto the table] These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting.

Steve wasn't real?!

He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. [drops it] Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.

Summer

Someone?

Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. [burps, unloads laser clip] So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooooh-wee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.

Jerry

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh, fuck...!

[shocked] Wait, but I--

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh Beth, why?!

Jerry

[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.

Summer

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!

I-I thought--

Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?

Oh geez! Oh my god!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...

What the FUCK?!

Jerry

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?!

US?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

Oh, right, blame this on us.

Okay, uh, I can and I am! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

Jerry

Isn't that good?

No! NO! It's BAD! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed - it shouldn't EXIST! You should never, ever, ever have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together!

... Well, this is just bad couples' therapy.

Jerry

Totally.

Jerry

W...where am I?

Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.

Jerry

Okay.

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life.

Jerry

My God!

Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis.

Jerry

I see... Wait, what?! [the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]

It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe.

Jerry

Yeah, but, I mean—

Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time!

Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14.

And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

Jerry

All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes!

Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live?

Stop asking!

Jerry

Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

Jerry

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?

Summer

Is that a real question?

Jerry

Just... making conversation.

Summer

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation, you're holding me verbally hostage.

Jerry

[frowning] Okay, ass-face, I'll go in the kitchen. [starts to walk out]

Summer

Hey, Dad?

Jerry

[smiling again] Yeah?

Summer

Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

Jerry

[frowing again] Okay.

Summer

Yeah. You like that?

Jerry

Screw you!

Jerry

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Jerry

How could you be so dishonest with this family?!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!

Summer

Hey, Tammy was cool!

And now we know why!

Summer

Because of you!

Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.

Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!

I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.

Wait, what?! / What?!

Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.

Jerry

Us?!

Jerry—

Jerry

I want to go home!

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?

Summer

What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?

[calculates] "765 known planets."

How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

"Three."

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!

Jerry

Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.

Jerry

Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!

South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.

Jerry

[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?

Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!

Jerry

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!

That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.

Summer

Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.

That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Jerry

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

Yes!

Jerry

WHY?!

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!

Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?!

Summer

It's called carpe diem, Morty. Look it up.

You look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means.

Summer

That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems.

Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear?

Jerry

All of it. You were looking right at me. [sighs] I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids.

Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist.