Summer quotes from Rick and Morty

Summer

Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION!

Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet?

I don't wanna talk about it!

Jerry

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?

Summer

Is that a real question?

Jerry

Just... making conversation.

Summer

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation, you're holding me verbally hostage.

Jerry

[frowning] Okay, ass-face, I'll go in the kitchen. [starts to walk out]

Summer

Hey, Dad?

Jerry

[smiling again] Yeah?

Summer

Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

Jerry

[frowing again] Okay.

Summer

Yeah. You like that?

Jerry

Screw you!

Jerry

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Jerry

How could you be so dishonest with this family?!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!

Summer

Hey, Tammy was cool!

And now we know why!

Summer

Because of you!

Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.

Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!

I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.

Wait, what?! / What?!

Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.

Jerry

Us?!

Jerry—

Jerry

I want to go home!

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?

Summer

What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?

[calculates] "765 known planets."

How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

"Three."

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!

Jerry

Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.

Jerry

Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!

South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.

Jerry

[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?

Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!

Jerry

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!

That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.

Summer

Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.

That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Jerry

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

Yes!

Jerry

WHY?!

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!

Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?

How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty!

It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go! [he laughs as "Lawyer" Morty drops his papers and dances around] We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?

Summer

I say "fuck you"! My grandpa was my hero! You killed him because you were jealous of him, that's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.

Morty?

["Lawyer" Morty whispers to him] What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection! I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. [to Summer, who looks stunned and more sympathetic] I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong - all you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon, or a super fucked-up god.

Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.

Oh yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!

Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?!

Summer

It's called carpe diem, Morty. Look it up.

You look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means.

Summer

That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems.

Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear?

Jerry

All of it. You were looking right at me. [sighs] I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids.

Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist.

Summer

How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear khakis and hockey jerseys? [Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]

After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. [shoots a mutant] The raidy-rays rotted them away, [approaches group of mutants on a billboard] leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards.

Summer

Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books?

You mean dictionaries? [Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family] I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this.

Summer

Want to piss on him?

Get out of my head.

I didn't say my father is perfect, I said his work is important.

Summer

And she's saying what's important is that Grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here.

Oh, he did not!

Let's do an experiment here. I get the impression this family values science. So raise your hand if you feel certain you know what was in the syringe.

Raise your hand if you know for certain the syringe does not contain anti-pickle serum.

Beth, your hand did a little thing there.

Do you really not see what's happening here?

Tell me.

Well, Dr. Wong -- by the way, racist name -- obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run around what was supposed to be their therapy.

Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other to the heart of your family's dysfunction. I think it's possible that you and your father have a very specific dynamic. I don't think it's one that rewards emotion or vulnerability. I think it may punish them. I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage, and is infecting your kids with a tendency to misdirect their feelings.

Fuck you.

Mom!

Fuck both of you, too.

What do you think is in the syringe, Beth?

You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me.

Anti-pickle serum.

Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum.

My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases.

They're just angry at me for divorcing their father.

Summer

I never said I was angry at you.

That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angry at mommy" out loud.

Oh, my God! [Morty closes the book and puts it back on the coffee table, pointing at it] Oh, there-there's pictures of people eating poop in there!

It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, you could ask him --

He won't have to ask for it, okay? He won't need it. He'll just make more. He doesn't need anything from anyone.

You admire him for that.

It's better than making your problems other people's problems.

Oh, come on!

Pickle Man! You should know this isn't personal!

You should know that isn't original.

They have my daughter! [Jaguar takes a water bottle and pours the water into his open wound] There's nothing I won't do to see her again.

Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, but killing you gets me to her quicker than your derivative bullshit.

I never bullshit, Pickle Man! This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!

That'll be your downfall, Jaguar: not being open to new experiences.

Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was--

Summer

Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true crime bragging.

I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that.

Summer

Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast!

Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve Ron Howard. [leaves the room]

Summer

[speaking quickly and excitedly] He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop.

[from offscreen] Man, fuck you, Summer!

It pains me that you can feel my pain.

Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow my dick...

Summer

[smirking] Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy?

M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home?

How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?!

No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds.

Uh, who the fuck are you?

"Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are YOU, bitch?!

Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us.

Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out!

Get the fuck out of here, Michael!

Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here!

Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you!

Hey, wait, everybody stop! Stop! I started all this when I tried to control Balthromaw. And that was fucked up. Nobody should control anyone. Especially that guy up there. And, um, you can eat butt if you want, I guess, I, um...

Summer

I got this, Morty. Okay, listen up, slut dragons! Wouldn’t you rather be sluts up there? Have a fuck world instead of a fuck cave? What’s wrong with you?

Look at your dad. Such a dork, keeping bees. [silence] I mean, it's... at least it's interesting, though. At least, like... I wish my dad kept bees. [silence] I mean, it's kind of cute, like... your dad keeps bees. [silence] How old is your dad? He's obviously beekeeping age. [silence] I don't know, I think it's kind of sweet. [silence] Summer, I want to fuck your dad.

Summer

[sarcastic] Oh, really?

Dad, can we please go back and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?

Jerry

Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast? Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?

Summer

Because this sucks ass! Camping is just being homeless without the change.

Jerry

Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here. You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own. You're only happy when you're penned in and drսgged up like some kind of chicken or lemur... [sees Summer and Morty using their phone and gaming device] Hey! I told you kids, no phones!

There's not even any service. Just... just let us be happy for a minute.

Jerry

You know, maybe if you two stopped whining and let your old man take the reins, you might actually learn something. [roasts a marshmallow and uses it to make a s'more] Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.

Summer

Oh, you think this s'more makes you special? What, because someone said "good job" to you once when you were ten? [throws it in the fire] That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real - you've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere, because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a fuck!

Jerry

[sniffles, looking deeply hurt] I'm gonna go take a walk... [sadly takes his backpack and leaves]

[to Summer] Jesus Christ. You really need to stop hanging out with Rick.

RICK!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?

I mean, gravity did most of it, so you, technically...

I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!!

Yeah, well, you also asked me to raise your kids. Uh, not sure if you heard the phrase, "pick a lane," but--

YOU KILLED THEIR FATHER!!!

Father or not, he was a lying piece of shit. I don't care who else stuffed your crust, but I'm the guy that showed up. But I mean, if you want, I can still power-wash his guts off the tower and maybe--

GET OOOOUUUUUT!!!!!

Okay, yeah, she's pissed.

Summer

I mean, you killed her slam piece, Grandpa. I don't blame her.