[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]
Mr. PoopybuttholeWoo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee.
[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there.
[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling.
[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
But then I guess I stopped.
[He picks up a photo of Amy.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming.
[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, [he walks back over to the stove] ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us.
[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
Wish I didn’t do that.
[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it?
[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]
Mr. Poopybutthole
We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee.
[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]
What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!
Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.
[Steve's body morphs into a horrifying-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]
But I've known him my whole life!
No, you haven't, Jerry! [lifts it onto the table] These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting.
He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. [drops it] Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.
Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.
But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!
No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. [burps, unloads laser clip] So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.
Mr. Poopybutthole
Ooooh-wee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help!
Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
[After killing all the parasites]
From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.
This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.
At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!
Mr. Poopybutthole
Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?
[Rick passes him one. Beth watches him suspiciously as he eats]
Mr. Poopybutthole
Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?
[Beth shoots him, sending him flying into the wall, bleeding actual blood instead of parasite slime, and everyone cries out in horror]
Mr. Poopybutthole
Oh, fuck...!
Mr. Poopybutthole
Oh Beth, why?!
[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!
Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!
Mr. Poopybutthole
Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?
Mr. Poopybutthole
Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...
[Police sirens are heard outside; Beth retreats into the kitchen, sobbing and messily pouring and drinking a glass of wine]
Rick and Morty · 269 quotes
