SSnuffles
Where are my testicles, Summer? [long beat] Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
SSnuffles
Do not call me that! [smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams] "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.
SSnowball
[walks on her bed] Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?
Uhhh... [Jerry and Beth come in]
Hey... [Beth gasps] Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here?
SSnowball
Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?
No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh...
BBeth
Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!
[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]
SSnowball
You will walk when it is time to walk.
[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.
I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!
I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.
Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!
You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!
Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?
Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.
Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.
Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]
BBeth
Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.
BBeth
No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]
Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?
Yeah, d— Just don't do it.
Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]
Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?
Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!
Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]
MMr. Meeseeks
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.
—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]
—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]
Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.
All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!
[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]
[uses alternate reality goggles] Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable?
BBeth
When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.
Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. [uses goggles]
BBeth
Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.
Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!
BBeth
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!
[After killing all the parasites]
From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.
This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.
At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!
Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?
[Rick passes him one. Beth watches him suspiciously as he eats]
Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?
[Beth shoots him, sending him flying into the wall, bleeding actual blood instead of parasite slime, and everyone cries out in horror]
BBeth
[shocked] Wait, but I--
[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!
Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!
Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?
Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...
[Police sirens are heard outside; Beth retreats into the kitchen, sobbing and messily pouring and drinking a glass of wine]
[The monsters created from Jerry and Beth's perceptions of each other go on a murderous rampage]
GSGlaxo Slimslom
What the FUCK?!
Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?!
GSGlaxo Slimslom
US?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!
BBeth
Oh, right, blame this on us.
GSGlaxo Slimslom
Okay, uh, I can and I am! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.
GSGlaxo Slimslom
No! NO! It's BAD! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed - it shouldn't EXIST! You should never, ever, ever have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together!
BBeth
... Well, this is just bad couples' therapy.
Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?
All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
How could you be so dishonest with this family?!
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!
Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.
Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!
I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.
BBeth
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.
Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.
SSmiths
Wait, what?! / What?!
Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.
Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?
What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?
CComputer
[calculates] "765 known planets."
How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?
See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!
Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?
Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.
Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!
[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]
South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.
[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?
BBeth
Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!
There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!
That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.
Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.
BBeth
That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.
Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?
BBeth
Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!
[At Dr. Wong's office]
BBeth
I didn't say my father is perfect, I said his work is important.
And she's saying what's important is that Grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here.
Let's do an experiment here. I get the impression this family values science. So raise your hand if you feel certain you know what was in the syringe.
[Nobody raises their hand.]
Raise your hand if you know for certain the syringe does not contain anti-pickle serum.
[Beth begins to raise her hand but stops herself.]
Beth, your hand did a little thing there.
BBeth
Do you really not see what's happening here?
BBeth
Well, Dr. Wong -- by the way, racist name -- obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run around what was supposed to be their therapy.
Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other to the heart of your family's dysfunction. I think it's possible that you and your father have a very specific dynamic. I don't think it's one that rewards emotion or vulnerability. I think it may punish them. I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage, and is infecting your kids with a tendency to misdirect their feelings.
[A short pause]
MSMorty and Summer, in unison
Mom!
BBeth
Fuck both of you, too.
[Later]
What do you think is in the syringe, Beth?
BBeth
You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me.
MSMorty and Summer
Anti-pickle serum.
Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum.
BBeth
My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases.
[Morty picks up a book which sits on Dr. Wong's coffee table, which he opens and reads]
BBeth
They're just angry at me for divorcing their father.
I never said I was angry at you.
BBeth
That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angry at mommy" out loud.
Oh, my God! [Morty closes the book and puts it back on the coffee table, pointing at it] Oh, there-there's pictures of people eating poop in there!
[Dr. Wong picks the book up and puts it on her lap]
It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, you could ask him --
BBeth
He won't have to ask for it, okay? He won't need it. He'll just make more. He doesn't need anything from anyone.
BBeth
It's better than making your problems other people's problems.
[Transition to Pickle Rick and Jaguar fighting in an office. Pickle Rick tries to shoot Jaguar with his laser while Jaguar tries to shoot at Pickle Rick with two guns. A bullet hits Pickle Rick and takes a small chunk out of him.]
[Pickle Rick hits Jaguar's shoulder with the laser, Pickle Rick hides behind a shelf while Jaguar hides behind a desk]
JJaguar
Pickle Man! You should know this isn't personal!
[Jaguar bites a bullet, and pours the gunpowder into a coffee filter]
You should know that isn't original.
[Pickle Rick kicks open a Styrofoam container with a burger inside and pulls it towards him]
JJaguar
They have my daughter! [Jaguar takes a water bottle and pours the water into his open wound] There's nothing I won't do to see her again.
Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, but killing you gets me to her quicker than your derivative bullshit.
[Pickle Rick takes a tomato slice out of the burger and squeezes it onto his missing chunk. He pulls out a packet of mustard and bites it open. Jaguar pours the gunpowder into his wound and winces. Pickle Rick rubs mustard on his missing chunk and shouts, squeezing open the mustard packet. Jaguar lights a match and puts it up to the wound, setting it on fire. Pickle Rick grabs a stapler and staples a pickle slice to his missing chunk. Both start yelling in pain]
JJaguar
I never bullshit, Pickle Man! This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!
That'll be your downfall, Jaguar: not being open to new experiences.
[Transition to surveillance room. The two continue fighting. Pickle Rick's laser gradually takes out all of the cameras]
[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]
I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse?
[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]
BBeth
Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe.
It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent.
By changing you from a pickle to a human.
Rick, why did you lie to your daughter?
So I wouldn't have to come here.
Why didn't you want to come here?
Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind [belch] we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked.
Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.
BBeth
Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold!
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you?
BBeth
Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines.
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine?
BBeth
Let me check.... Yes, got it.
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it?
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
Give that button a push.
BBeth
Okay. [pushes button]
MCMorphizer Customer Service Worker
WE'RE FREE! [the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]
BBeth
Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- [Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it] Morty!
Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible!
GGene
[pops up] Everything okay here?
Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! [Gene walks away] Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it will help you lose everyone else.
BBeth
Like I lost Summer.
Hey, you haven't lost her yet.
BBeth
No, I definitely did. She's gone.
[looks at the crashed garage] Goddammit!
Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA.
BBeth
Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest?
It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children.
[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]
FFroopy
Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life—
Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here.
BBeth
Yeah, just take us to King Tommy.
You were a scary fuckin' kid, man!
BBeth
[exasperated] Oh my God...!
I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth. I did it to protect the neighborhood. Not in a [belch] noble sense. It was just more practical to sequester you before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal that might cross your socio-path.
BBeth
You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father?!
Oh, dude, no! No, bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a fuckin' nutcase. And the acorn plopped straight down, baby! [pulls large cardboard box from under workbench] Look at some of the shit you were asking me to make you as a kid. [pulls items out of box in turn] Ray guns. A whip that forces people to like you. Invisibility cuffs. A parent trap. A lightning gun. A teddy bear with anatomically correct innards. Night-vision googly eyeglasses. Sound-erasing sneakers. False fingerprints. Fall-asleep darts. A lie-detecting doll. An indestructible baseball bat. A taser shaped like a ladybug. A fake police badge. Location-tracking stickers. Rainbow-colored duct tape. Mind control hairclips. Poison gum. A pink sentient switchblade.
[He opens the switchblade]
PSPink Sentient Switchblade
[enthusiastically chirpy] Hi, Beth! You've gotten taller! Shall we resume stabbing?!
BBeth
Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been--
That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.
Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy.
Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off.
BBeth
Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do?
My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out.
BBeth
I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's The Bachelor--
I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going Blade Runner.
BBeth
If nothing matters, why would you do that for me?
I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.
BBeth
I don't know if I can do it.
Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out.
Rick and Morty · 269 quotes
