Morty quotes from Rick and Morty

This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action.

You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were bred for it. Wanna see?

You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meet demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an admission of need. There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty – he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive.

Rick, I gotta know, like, w-- what's the secret ingredient-- [he stumbles across Rick scooping spaghetti out of a man's entrails] God, no, why?! Why? No! Why is it always this shit with you? O-- Of course it's a person! Rick! Why couldn't it just be spaghetti?!

Come into the wolf's house and piss in its bed, you're gonna get bit! That's just the nature of the wolf! That's just the nature of the wolf!

Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo.

Yeah... Bendigo.

[pleasing sigh] What do ya see round here, Morty? [Morty looks around]

I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really.

[pause] So? Where's the cube? [Morty pauses for a long beat]

I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo.

What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that.

What do you mean? Why are we here, then?

I don't know. I was following you, Morty.

[first lines] Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.

Oh, Rick. What's going on?

I've got a surprise for you, Morty.

Th-th-th-that's absolutely crazy!

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty, it's gonna be good.

I don't care about Jessica! [grunts]

You're right, Morty, you're right.

That's it… that's it, Rick! I'm taking the wheel!

Get off with me, Morty!

[shoots portal] There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go.

Oh jeez, okay. [...] Woah, Rick! What is this place?

It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— TREE, Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—ther—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h[burps]-elp me with my research, Morty.

Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing!

All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, [a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind] we're gonna be— HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!

Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter!

Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Aw, man!

Yeah. And once those seeds weahh-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. [checks arm watches] Starting ruh-ight about now.

Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... [falls down]

I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty.

[gurgling] No, no, no....

The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only fehh-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! Ruh-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. [closing garage door inside] 100timesrickandmorty.com.

Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one.

Oh, w-wh... what is it?

It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about!

You're talking about Inception?

That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except, y'know, it's gonna me-beh... make sense.

Inception made sense!

You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.

Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

Are you listening to me, Morty?! Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it!

[throttles Morty] Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?!

My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me!

Poncho! That's quite enough. [Poncho drops him down] Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. [closeup on Annie]

Whoa...

And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

Uh— [a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]

[via speaker] "Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?"

I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.

Exhibits? [the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]

Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas.

"Watch it!"

It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

Diseases?! [ominous growling is heard]

Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! [a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area] Your living museum is officially a wild safari! [starts shooting at it]

Hepatitis A! Run!!

Poncho? What is this in your backpack? [Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]

That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? [Poncho takes Annie hostage]

Everybody get back!!

Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?

That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— [a screaming Morty jumps on him] Come on! [pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder] Ahh! Get off!

You guys!

It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! [Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot] My foot is stuck!

No!!

It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— [gets washed into excrement; shuts door]

No!! [embraces Morty]

Rick! [Rick pushes clothes in sewer]

Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this wuh-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash.

Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? [see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]

Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean?

You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want?

Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention.

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! [Rick shuts doors]

Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do?

We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got.