It's been crazy down here, Sarge.
You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!
Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!
We don't want them to hear you!
Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.
This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!
Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!
Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.
What in the hell is that thing?
I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!
Donut, why didn't you report this?
I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]
[on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?
Hello, is that you, Simmons?
No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
[on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!
Fine, what's your location.
I'm standing right here, next to you.
[On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.
Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
Grif isn't anywhere around here.
Donut, I told you to be quiet!
Well stop asking me stuff, then!
[On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.
[cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.
Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!
And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!
Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.
Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!
I heard something that time!
You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]
There! Did you hear that?
Yes, I heard water dripping.
Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!
You don't know, what if you're wrong?
Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]
So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!
I'm getting the heck out of here!
No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.
At least let's go stand by the light!
No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.
Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.
You're an idiot, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?
Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -
All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.
I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.
Yup. So what do you think?
I... think she seems like there's something wrong.
That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!
I'm a medic, what do you want from me?
Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.
What a shitty medical school.
Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?
Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!
Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -
Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.
Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.
I don't think that'll work.
Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -
Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.
We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.
It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.
It's just that I can't shake this feeling that we're beeeeeeeeeeing watched! [spins around] Ha! Gotcha! Oh, son of a...
Um... That was pretty dramatic.
Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]
Do you have a good sixth sense?
No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?
If we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?
[voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.
What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?
Huh. You got a pink thing on you.
[voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]
Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch] [voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]
Hey, who's the yellow soldier?
That's just Sister. She's new.
No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!
Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.
Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-
I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.
First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!
What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?
Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!
Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.
Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?
Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.
...What the fuck just happened?
Uh, I don't know how to do that.
Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!
It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.
Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]
[Pause] I see your point.
Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]
Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!
Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.
Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.
[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.
What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]
Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]
Ow! What is going on around here?
I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.
Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.
Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!
Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]
Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?
Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!
They must have taken him!
Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...
A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.
He's probably a million miles away by now!
Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
But who knows what direction!
Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
Ugh. What direction did you say?
So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.
Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]
What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?
No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.
Um, how should I distract Sheila?
Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.
I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.
So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.
I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.
Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?
Please! You call this working?
See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.
Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.
Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.
What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?
She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.
Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?
Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.
Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.
