Come on mister Blue guy, you gotta wake up, wake up!
It hurts...just let me die.
You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.
[Camera goes to a view where Tex is talking to Sheila behind Donut]
I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.
[Camera goes back to Donut]
You see? Boring stuff, like oppression and a hostile work environment!
I can't, he got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped! He's the one who shot you, don't you remember?
I know, I want him to shoot me again.
Now, now, now. Sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's. If you were gonna die, you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize you're gonna to have to live with intense pain.
Get that Sarge guy. Have him make me a new body.
Ugh, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke, and Sarge left with the others to go chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch 'em.
[Upon arriving in Battle Creek]
Hello? Anyone? Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. Clicks off radio Well, I don't think the others are coming. We must have gotten separated somehow.
My toes, are getting pruney.
Ooookay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley?
I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates!
Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left… and the carpet… and the drapes… and I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if y'know what I mean.
[Caboose rounds the corner to see a blue man laying on the ground]
Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!
What? Holy Macaroon... [Sarge runs over to inspect the blue] He's not sleeping son, he's dead.
Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.
No doubt he was killed by our very enemy. Once again, I find my-self torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the universe, but now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do, No sir. [Sarge turns to the dead blue] Rest in piece...scumbag.
[Caboose rounds the next corner to find a small area with bullet holes in the walls, blood on the ground and walls and many reds and blues lying on the ground]
Look, more sleeping people. It must be nap time! But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!
What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. [Calls out] Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors? Preferably any RED survivors. Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue! I won't step on your neck or anything like that.
Shhh, quiet. You hear that?
[Trumpet starts playing in the background, getting steadily louder playing 'Reveille']
Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy.
I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.
I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason... Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together!
Wait a minute! I know that song! That's Reveille! But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of-
[At this point all the supposedly dead red's and blue's jump up cheering and yelling]
Sweet jibbling jibblets!!
[The numerous soldiers run past Sarge and Caboose, running into their respective bases chanting 'hup, hup, hup', etc.]
What just happened here?"
I think all the sleeping people were trying t-
[Sarge runs over to a window through which you can hear unintelligible cheers]
Get over here, gimmie a boost.
Okay...[Walks over to Sarge] You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.
Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
I know... I need you to help me look through it.
I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, and that window is square.
[Camera goes back to both Sarge and Caboose]
Caboose, I have a veery bad feeling ab-[Sarge notices the trumpet playing again]...What's that?
[Blues come running out of their base, firing weapons madly in all directions]
BSBlue Soldiers
Chaaarge! Chaaaarge! Yeaaaah! Woo-hoo!
[Red Soldiers run out of their base, also firing their weapons madly in all directions screamin taunts]
Come on Caboose! We got to get to higher ground!
Yeah, I love reloading, I love to reload!
[Red Soldier pops up and hits him in the back of the head]
Oh! Back of the head! Tell my girlfriend that I love her...
She's my girlfriend now bitch!
Come on Caboose! [Sarge and Caboose climb a ladder to a cliff above]
[From their new vantage point, Caboose and Sarge view the scene below them: Multiple reds and blues shooting non-stop at each other]
VSVarious Soldiers
Yeah, get some! You want some!?
Sarge, I am scared of our new friends.
Ah, sonny-bo-no, what's going on here?
[Trumpet plays once and a Red carrying a blue flag runs out of the blue base]
Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! [everyone stops shooting and looks at him]
RSRandom Soldier
You all look alike to me!
Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a god!
[Four Blue soldiers run in and kill him]
I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!
[The Reds and Blues look between the dead Zealot and each other a few times and continue to shoot at each other]
[A red soldier runs up behind a blue and kills him]
[The soldier gets killed by a sniper shot to the head]
BSBlue Sniper
Head shot! [The sniper gets hit by a rocket] Oh! You rocket whore!
Yeah! You want some!? I got some for you! How 'bout you?
The only good blue is a dead blue!
Christ, this water's cold!
RBRed and Blue Soldiers Alternating, while shooting over a rock at each other
Hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, YO!
[The Blue soldier gets hit by a rocket]
RRRocket Red Soldier
I didn't see your name on it!
[As the Rocket Soldier runs past a rock, he gets shot and killed by a blue hiding behind the rock]
RSRocket Soldier
Oh, you fucking camping bitch!
BCBlue Camper
It's a legitimate strategy!
[The blue runs away, and when he runs out from behind a rock, he almost gets hit by a sniper shot]
RSRed Sniper
Damn! Hey Blue, we're the only two left, let's work together!
BCBlue Camper
What do you mean?
RSRed Sniper
I'm coming out!
BCBlue Camper
Okay, I'm coming out too!
[The two meet in the middle of the creek]
BCBlue Camper
What did you mean we could work as a team?
[The Red Sniper smashes his rifle into the Blue Camper's head, killing him]
RSRed Sniper
I bash you in the head with my rifle, and you die! Good teamwork, you fucking noob! Good game! Good game everybody, GG man, GG! [The Sniper dies with no cause] Blah!
I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.
I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church can handle this, he can handle anything!
