Sarge quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

Well, as you recall, we recently came across Andy the bomb and Lopez in the caves. So-

Sarge

Of course! Men, let's go ask Lopez where we can get some explosives!

*sigh* Excellent plan, sir...

Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

Sarge

Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

We're here, is anyone hurt...

...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

I know that laugh. Nobody move!

You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Church run!

Tex DON'T!

You have no idea how much trouble you are in

(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Okay!

And don't shoot me this time!

Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Son of a bitch!

Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge

Aha! Got you, blues!

Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge

I was dead, Doc revived me!

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Ooh! Yeah!

Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to go out-

Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Stay away from my sister!

Son of a bitch!

Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Son of a bitch!

(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

Come in, Command.

Hello Washington. We have you? How was the investigation at Blue Base?

Enlightening. Going to try the red base now, I'm hoping things there will be a little more... [A pink pop-up of Donut appears for no reason] ...normal.

Sarge

Halt in the name of the red- [clears throat] I mean "lightish red army. This base is operating at full capacity. And if you come in here, you're gonna get in to a big uhn-uh slap-fight!"

Heuhhh... I'm gonna have to call you back.

Sarge

Don't come any further, ooh la la.

Sarge

This is your last warning, stay out! I love math!

What in the-

Sarge

Your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass!

Sarge

And this is another warning: I know the other warning was supposed to be last, but I never listen to orders, 'cause I'm too lazy and stupid! And ugly. Did I mention ugly?

This is gonna be a waste of time, I can tell already.

Sarge

[Pops up in front of Washington] Yeah, freeze intruder! Stop yer intrudin' right there.

Who made these things?

Sarge

I did.

Wait, you're real?

Sarge

Of course I am. You fell for a classic misdirection. I still got it. Heh heh.

Yeah, what?

Sarge

What in hell are you two doing?

We're being executed by our own men, sir.

Sarge

Well cut it out, I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

Who the hell is this guy?

Sarge

Ahh, what is this? Insubordination? Hi-yah! [Smashes the soldier in the face] Come on you two, let's get a move on. Where's your commanding officer?

He's right there. [Motions toward Grif]

Sarge

Where? Behind Grif?

Sergeant Grif is our CO, sir.

Sarge

Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

No no, listen to me. Grif is our commander, he was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us.

Sarge

But who's in charge?

Sergeant Grif!

Sarge

Okay, see, I hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense... Did you have a stroke?

Grif is a Sergeant! He's the same rank as you now!

Sarge

That's what I'm talking about, where is he?

He's right there! [Motions toward Grif again]

Sarge

...So, he's invisible?

Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, cause this one sucks!

Sarge

Yah! Never talk that way about a superior!

Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it! Simmons is a witness.

I don't even want to get involved...

Sarge

What the hell's goin on in this base?! Insubordination! Invisible Sergeants!

Mwhahaha!! Blarg blarg honk, haha!

Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say? hmm haha fools.

Sarge

Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.

Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?

Sarge

Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!

Line...

Sarge

Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!

Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!

Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?

Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!

This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.

Blargever, dude.

What am I talking about?

I'm an alien.

Well, what do the alien chicks look like?

I AM AN ALIEN!

Do they like to honk?

(not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.

Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.

[As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg

[Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.

(after a long pause) ...El honk.

Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!

Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!

Shut the blarg up!!!

Sarge

When you kill your enemy, you wanna look straight in his eyes so he knows that you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you a chance to deal out some really zippy one-liners. Like, "I hope you brought your wallet, 'cause the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"

(sighs) Oh, my god...

Sarge

Or my personal favorite, "You just got Sarged!"

What's the deal, dude? I've been here all day and I haven't even been in a single shot yet. Why did you guys call me down here?

What are you bitchin' at me for?

Ow!

Oh, come on, Sarge!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt all your fancy dyin' talk. NOW DIE!

Ow!

Sarge

Hey, Grif, hold these bullets for me... [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] ...IN YOUR GUT!

Ow! I can see my spine!

Sarge

Simmons, have you seen Grif?

No sir, not recently.

Sarge

Son of a -! He was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!

I don't know what to tell you, Sir.

(In a suitcase) Yes! This is the perfect plan!

Sarge

Ah well... Did you finish packin' for me?

Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.

D'oh!

Sarge

Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.

The what? That doesn't even sound real!

Have fun Sir.

Sarge

Where're you going Simmons?

To an XBox 360 launch party.

Sarge

XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.

Technology moves pretty fast Sir.

Sarge

Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.

Sarge

There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.

Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.

Sarge

No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.

Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?

Sarge

Replace the big rocks with grenades.

Figure skating?

Sarge

Landmines.

Downhill skiing?

Sarge

Laser gates.

Speed skating?

Sarge

Everyone gets a bayonet.

Snowboarding?

Sarge

Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.

Ok, well, what about the luge?

Sarge

Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!

Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!

Sarge

(after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.

Sarge

I also think we should give medals out to the losers.

You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?

Sarge

Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.

Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.

Sarge

Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.

All the dinosaurs are already dead.

Sarge

It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.

But that process takes millions of years.

Sarge

I've got time.

(In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!

Sarge

Gentlemen, we can debate the fine points all day, but the fact remains that a gallon of gas still costs less today than a gallon of milk.

Yeah, but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.

Sarge

Maybe you don't.

Sarge

Are you familiar with turducken?

Yeah, that's what I do when I go to the monkey house and make them mad.