(Explaining a Turducken) It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.
You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.
Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?
SargeNope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.
Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.
Sarge
So I decided to make my own variety.
What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?
Sarge
Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-
Sarge
Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)
Sarge
Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.
(Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.
Sarge
Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?
You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.
Sarge
That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!
What was the leopard for?
Sarge
Presentation.
Hey Doc, nobody likes you.
What? What are you talking about, everybody likes me!
Everybody hates you. You don't fit in.
Oh? I think I fit in just fine.
Okay, let me ask you this, Doc. What's your zombie plan?
There's two kinds of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people dinner.
In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpse-sicles! It's brilliant!
Nobody else thinks about stuff like that!
I have two weeks worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.
What happens at the ends of the two weeks?
Oh, I'm keeping that to myself! I don't want to risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm up to!
You'll never make it Grif, the major freeways will be choked with stalled cars and people trying to flee the major population centers! Its going to be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck!
Grif I'm just going to have to take that risk!
Good luck to you too Simmons!
Are you guys brain-damaged?
Sarge
Hey you knuckleheads, what's all the yammering about?
Hey Sarge, do you have a, quote, "zombie plan", unquote?
Sarge
A zombie plan? Of course not!
Sarge
I have 37 different zombie plans!
Wow. Now that's preperation! I am seriously impressed, Sarge.
Sarge
Well don't be, dirtbag. In 36 of the 37 plans I use your fresh corpse as bait, so that I can make my initial escape from the legions of the undead!
Well, at least I know there's one plan where I-
Sarge
In the 37th plan, I knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus, just so I can devour you!
Sarge, you gotta be pulling my leg.
Sarge
Why do you think I carry a shotgun with me at all times? You have to be ready to act on a moments notice! Hyah!
Guys, with all the problems in the world, I can't believe you spend this much time thinking about- [moaning in the distance] What's that?
[the camera then cuts to the Blues, who have been seemingly been infected]
Sarge
Romero's beard! The Blues have been infected!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the attic!
Doc and Simmons are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas. [Doc makes a whiny noise] I mean the holidays.
[sighs] That don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?
The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-
Oh come on! The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years!
Sarge
For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want!
Okay, let's all just calm down before somebody gets too festive. Ahem, pardon me, I meant seasonally excited.
Sarge
That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people, just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red Versus Blue, and I want to wish everybody a very merry- [an Xbox 360 guide menu pops up in front of him and the screen goes black and white] Hey, get that thing out of here! {the menu closes] And give us back our color! [the color returns] That's better. Now as I was saying-
Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you.
Sarge
They can't stop the signal. Now on behalf of everyone here at Red Versus Blue, we want to wish you all out there a very Merry- [Sarge vanishes]. (An Xbox 360 alert pops up and says "GrifKilla51" signed out)
Whoa, what happened? Where'd Sarge go?
I guess they stopped the signal.
Well, okay. If we can't say Happy Holidays, what can we say?
Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.
What if we just say hi? Hello.
How 'bout we just send a universal mathematical message with no implied emotion?
Would you send it in hexadecimal?
Sarge, did you just skate in here on a pair of robot vacuums?
Sarge
Don't be ridiculous, Simmons. These are robot vacuum smart-phones! You see the answer to today's overabundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets, it's more useless features in fewer usable gadgets!
Sarge
And of course it plays MP3s. Everything's gotta play MP3s - except your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, 'cause everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They're our generation's betamax. And the next generation's Blu-ray.
What? Blu-ray just came out. It can't be obsolete already.
Sarge
Nonsense, numb-nuts. Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete. The only way to stay ahead of the curve is to invest in products that don't exist, and hopefully never will. Like the iPlunger, or the Nintendonut.
Hhh, or the Simmons two point five upgrade...
Sarge
Aw, that's just vaporware and you know it. Anyway, everybody knows this year's Blu-ray, is gonna be Red-ray. Heh heh.
Sarge
Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it's being replaced with HHD DDVVDDBVDs.
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes