Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.
Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?
[The Reds hide behind the rock and whisper something involving the word "sandwich".]
Uh, because you're outnumbered.
Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!
[The Reds whisper again.]
We also think that it's your turn to surrender.
Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—
[Sheila fires her cannon against the rock.]
(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!
Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!
[An akward silence ensues.]
...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.
Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?
What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.
[Caboose contacts Church through the radio.]
Come in, Church. Come in.
Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.
Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.
SargeThat's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!
[Back at Blue base, Tucker is grunting as Doc tends to him.]
Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.
ABAlien Baby
Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!
Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.
(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!
Sarge
Simmons, (coughing) status report.
Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, sir.
Sarge
Are there any other injuries?
Sarge
You sure?
Sarge
Are you sure? No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing, purely by coincidence?
Sarge
No one orange?
Sarge
Oh, dehrh. [examines his shotgun] I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.
What about Private Donut Sir, there's no way he survived that. Poor Donut, I'll miss him like a sister
Sarge
I'll miss him like, well, like someone I knew, but then I don't really want to reflect on how deep our relationship went.
Wait a second, do you hear that? Sounds like tapping.
All I hear is you guys talking about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.
Listen, there it is again.
Sarge
You're absolutely right. That sounds like Morris Code.
Um, excuse me sir. It's actually not Morris Code, it's Morse code, sir.
Sarge
Morse, haha, that sounds ridiculous, I don't think so.
Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio, Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.
Sarge
And that cat was one of our finest military minds. Don't you see, that mean Donut is alive and trying to contact us.. Now, get to tappin'.
Maybe we can lift the ship off him somehow.
Sarge
Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was woman that lifted a car off her baby.
You want me to call Donut's mother?
Sarge
Don't make me angry Grif, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if there was only some way to tap into our inner rage...like that Hulk fella. Doggonnit, there's never any Gamma Radiation around when you need it.
What if we try getting into the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship.
Sarge
Or we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship.
I think the jack in the warthog might be able to lift it.
Sarge
We could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic, or both.
Or we could try digging underneath the hull.
Sarge
I've got it! A levitation ray! I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.
Sarge
Simmons this is no time to chat about your crackpot theories! I'll get the levitation ray! This is a crisis situation, time to save the day, with science! [Sarge gets into the Warthog and drives off]
Sigh...Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?
And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
Sarge
Stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we bring all those drills for! So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh, not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple of marine angels, get this place spick and span in no time! You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even in that new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... no, it couldn't be! Could it? [Donut walks up]
Oh, hey, Sarge! What are you doing down here?
Sarge
It is! Oh, it is!
Sarge
Nooooo! Moan...
It's been crazy down here, Sarge.
Sarge
Nooo...
You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!
Sarge
Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!
Sarge
I have sinned!
We don't want them to hear you!
Sarge
Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.
This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!
Sarge
Repent! Repent!
Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!
Sarge
Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.
Sarge
What in the hell is that thing?
I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!
Sarge
Donut, why didn't you report this?
I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]
[on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?
Sarge
Hello, is that you, Simmons?
No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
Sarge
Shut up, Donut!
[on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!
Sarge
Fine, what's your location.
I'm standing right here, next to you.
Sarge
Shut up!
[On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.
Sarge
Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
Grif isn't anywhere around here.
Sarge
Donut, I told you to be quiet!
Well stop asking me stuff, then!
[On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
Sarge
Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.
[cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.
Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
Sarge
The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!
And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!
Sarge
Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.
Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!
Sarge
It's just that I can't shake this feeling that we're beeeeeeeeeeing watched! [spins around] Ha! Gotcha! Oh, son of a...
Um... That was pretty dramatic.
Sarge
Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]
Do you have a good sixth sense?
Sarge
No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?
Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.
Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!
Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]
Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?
Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!
They must have taken him!
Sarge
Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...
Sarge
A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.
Sarge
He's probably a million miles away by now!
Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
Sarge
But who knows what direction!
Sarge
Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
Sarge
Ugh. What direction did you say?
Sarge
Come on, let's go.
Come on. Grif should be right over here.
Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!
Sarge
That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.
Sarge
Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.
Sarge
Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?
[Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?
We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.
Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...
Sarge
Information? What did the-
Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?
Sarge
What did they look like?
Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?
What, are you jealous? Jesus..
No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.
Sarge
Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.
Sarge
Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?
He's been chasing the dragon.
Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.
That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!
He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.
Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes