Sarge quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

Don't worry Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! YAAA! [jumps through the teleporter and reappears a short distance away] AAAA-huh?

Uh sir, the teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.

Sarge

Oh. Watch out evildoers! Here we come to save the- oh forget it, lets just go.

What can I do Sarge?

Sarge

I need you to run right at O'Malley.

And shank him with my shiv?

Sarge

No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

You're kidding?

Sarge

It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.

(Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!

(Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.

This is it!

Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)

ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!

YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!

Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)

(Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)

NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!

We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.

Sarge

Right.

(Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)

Sarge

Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)

Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)

Sarge

OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!

Can you do it manually?

Sarge

Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Why?

Sarge

In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Nice thinking Sir.

You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?

("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!

NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!

I'M BEING VIOLATED!!

Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.

Hey, what the hell?!

There's only twenty seconds left!

If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

But the rocket will kill me!

TEN SECONDS!

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!

Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.

FIVE SECONDS!

Sorry Church.

Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)

WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)

Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.

Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)

What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)

Sarge

I represent the past, where stuff cost less and people knew the value of a hard days work, but they only lived to be 28 years old.

I represent the future where we have no morals and no emotions, but we have a lot of kick-ass gadgets.

And I'm the present which sucks. We have nothing cool and also no morals.

Sarge

Ah, quit yer bitching. I have atrocities and a crapload of wars which seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.

Yeah, and I have apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have! ...Sorry sir, that "dipshits" was in character.

Sarge

Oh. Well, bravo Simmons.

Don't you see? If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!

Sarge

Back in to what? A wall? A broom closet?

A big rock?

Another big rock!

Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny? Ooh, ooh and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?

Sarge

Don't touch anything Donut!

Sarge

If you ladies are through gossiping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle!

Oh, yeah, right. Here, let me try. [Starts car]

Sarge

Wait!

Sarge

Donut, are you okay?

[sobbing] I was just… petting… the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can… and part of my hand went with it!

Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.

Sarge

Donut, I told you not to touch anything! You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

What's the rush of getting this thing fixed anyway?

Sarge

Listen, dirtbag. I know on blue team, you like to lollygag a beer-

There is no blue team. It's all a lie. Red and blue are the same.

Oh, don't start that crap again.

You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. [sarcastically] The government put a chip in my brain!

[also sarcastically] The president can hear my thoughts!

[sarcastically, while also in great pain] We never landed on the sun!

[sarcastic gasp] They put fluoride in my water!

Actually, that one's true.

It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

Sarge

Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?

Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.

Sarge

Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?

Yeah...it's like this...

Sarge

Grif, I just built that jeep. I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.

Sarge

Grif!

No no no, it's not destroyed Sarge. The engine just quit.

Sarge

And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?

Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.

Sarge

What was the jeep doing in a ditch?

Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's reenacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever. [Sarge moans in exasperation.] Simmons was driving.

No I wasn't! I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!

Sarge

Wait a second, this thing isn't busted. It's just outta gas.

It runs on gas?

Sarge

Of course not, moron. Where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.

So then why is it dead, sir?

Sarge

You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

Well, I can tell you what we weren't doing...

Sarge

Ah, forget it.

He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

Oh! I like them! They were funny.

Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.

I try not to remember the bad things about people.

That's all they tried to do! There were no good things!

That's okay, I have a really bad memory- WOW! LOOK, A BEACH!

Sarge

Shut up, Caboose.

Sarge

Ah; go ahead and kill him, we can use his armor for spare parts. Here, this thing dosen't look so heavy. Look at the... (tries to lift the bomb) Whoa! That thing's not moving!

I can carry it.

I guarantee you'll need two people.

No, it's true, he has crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

(picks up bomb) See.

Sarge

Great Paul Bunyan! He's like an ox!

But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it an... ah! (Caboose drops the bomb in Grif's hands and Grif falls to the ground) (Grif hands the bomb back to Caboose) Here you go, you can carry it.

Sarge

OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.

Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.

Sarge

That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?

Sarge

Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

How are you going to know if it’s not working?

Sarge

If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.

I think that’s a good plan.

Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

Sarge

Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

Sarge

I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.

Sarge

Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.

(on radio) Copy that Sarge.

Sarge

You and the two bullet magnets go up to the right side and cause some kind of distraction.

Any suggestions?

Sarge

As long as it draws attention away from us and towards you I-don't-care. (Donut walks behind Sarge)

(on radio) Try some dance moves-Oh-you could do a musical number!

Sarge

Get off the radio Donut!

Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.

Sarge

That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!

And that's how I saved Christmas.

I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!

Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.

You may be the dumbest person I've ever met.

And I think you're just covering your ass.

Hey, Sarge...

What?! I'm not covering my ass! You're the one covering yours!

No way.

Sarge

Stop arguing you two! Simmons isn't covering his ass and Grif certainly isn't covering his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, what do you want?

Uh.... Is that a trick question?