SSimmons
But doesn't that mean you go twice as much... or ten times as much?
[Fires sniper rifle at Grif] This is the best game since Grifball.
Hey Grif, move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival! [Takes another shot at Grif, who ducks] No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!
SSimmons
Wait a minute, that was my turn!
This is the lightning round!
SSimmons
Who's in the lightning rou-
Alright! fuck this i'm coming down. (Sarge shoots him at him again) OW! I SAID I'M COMING DOWN!!!
Ha-ha, BUZZER-BEATER! Take that you stupid duck!
[The Reds discuss the sighting of the Tank]
SSimmons
I'm telling you it was here! It drove by while you were talking, you had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!
Well it really sounded like, (Starts to make a bad impersonation of the tank, along with some fake screaming).
SSimmons
That's not the important part of the story, Donut!
(sarcastically) Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality!
SSimmons
No I'm not! Donut saw it!
Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.
Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate!
Heh heh, so that's where you draw the line?
No, I mean, it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate.. right?, seriously right?
SSimmons
Okay, well Grif saw it too, we all saw it!
(lying) I don't know what you are talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.
[Simmons is trying to make the Red Team jealous]
[to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?
SSimmons
This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.
Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]
[Simmons has Sheila attack the Red base]
SSimmons
Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...
Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?
SSimmons
What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base—I mean, the Red base! Fuck!
[later]
SSimmons
You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!
Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.
SSimmons
Well, too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch! Red bitch! Fuck, you know what I mean!
Simmons (aggressively): I said in the hole!
[Simmons pushes Grif into a hole he is using as a prison and Grif appears from a gravity lift behind him]
SSimmons
WHOS A BAD HOSTAGE TAKER NOW BITCH!
I think I found a design flaw in your hole.
And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy and really annoying.
But, at least he's smart. In fact, I think he might the smartest one of the bunch.
SSimmons
You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.
No, I mean all of them put together, man. There's this other guy who hangs around, in maroon armour... Well, I haven't seen him in a while, but he's a freakin' know-it-all, man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.
Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place... Yeah, y'know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.
Simmons (a slight quiver in his voice): What do they say?
Oh, just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also how he's not as attractive as other people are...
Simmons (starting to cry): (sniff) Yeah, he sounds like a real jerk...
Simmons (off-screen; on the verge of tears): I have to use the bathroom...
Well, hurry up, man, I have to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner.
...You do know that's Simmons, right?
SSimmons
Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)
Oh, right, you. What do you want?
SSimmons
I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?
I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)
SSimmons
What's your problem, Donut?
Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.
SSimmons
I'm not the enemy.
Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.
SSimmons
OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.
SSimmons
And fooled them.
You knocked Sarge out, twice.
SSimmons
Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.
Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.
SSimmons
No, the Blues don't know either.
Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?
I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.
There's an enemy trying to get into the base.
SSimmons
He means me sir.
Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?
SSimmons
Donut, I did tell you it was me.
Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".
SSimmons
That's because I am me.
But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.
SSimmons
That's because I'm me.
And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.
SSimmons
Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.
I don't want to hear it, Blue.
SSimmons
What, this is valuable information about the war.
There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!
SSimmons
But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.
Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.
SSimmons
No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.
Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled
Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes