Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?
SSimmons
Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.
Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?
Grif, I just built that jeep. I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.
Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.
SSimmons
No no no, it's not destroyed Sarge. The engine just quit.
And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?
Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.
What was the jeep doing in a ditch?
Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's reenacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever. [Sarge moans in exasperation.] Simmons was driving.
SSimmons
No I wasn't! I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!
[The three of them check out the Warthog.]
Wait a second, this thing isn't busted. It's just outta gas.
Of course not, moron. Where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.
SSimmons
So then why is it dead, sir?
You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?
Well, I can tell you what we weren't doing...
What took you guys so long to get here?
SSimmons
There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
(excitedly) It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-
(sighing) Please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.
If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?
(hesitantly) ...I can't carry it.
It's too heavy, okay?! You happy?!
I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.
See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call? [Tex stares daggers at Grif.] Please don't kill me.
Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favor. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?
That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.
SSimmons
Okay, we'll do it.
Wait just a second. What would we have to do?
On...what I need...to do some future job.
But, it could be anything.
...Well, can we rule out the gay stuff?
Hey, how come I never get to help?
OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.
Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.
That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
SSimmons
Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?
Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
How are you going to know if it’s not working?
If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.
I think that’s a good plan.
Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.
[shows windmill rotating upward with Grif’s body on it]
Grif: Blaaargh!.
I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.
[everyone stares at him silently]
Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.
SSimmons
Okay, Grif, we just need to jump through here.
SSimmons
Me? Why me first?
Because, I don't wanna die?
SSimmons
But this thing's moving super slow. See?
Nice knowing you, Simmons.
Target locked. [Fires main cannon]
Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]
FCFuture Church
OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!
That chick with black armor is back.
What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]
FCFuture Church
God damn it!
Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]
FCFuture Church
FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!
Man, that girl has a really good arm.
[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.
FCFuture Church
Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]
(After hearing a Distress signal from the radio that Simmons gets credit for)
SSimmons
I just think it's important to receive credit for working while some people are in the back seat monkeying about.
Okay, first of all, monkeying 'about'? Second, I don't think sitting in the jeep and listening to the radio counts as working, and thirdly, monkeying 'about'?
SSimmons
You may be the dumbest person I've ever met.
And I think you're just covering your ass.
SSimmons
What?! I'm not covering my ass! You're the one covering yours!
Stop arguing you two! Simmons isn't covering his ass and Grif certainly isn't covering his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, what do you want?
Uh.... Is that a trick question?
Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!
Course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Donut!
[Donut continues to scream in background while running around]
Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.
I don't think I've been trained on that.
Simmons, kiss ass at will.
SSimmons
You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man, sir!
Excellent work Simmons! Incoming!
[Both Grif and Sarge duck to avoid a rocket]
Permission to assist Donut sir!
Permission denied. Continue with operation Meatshield. Remember, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean it won't stop bullets from hitting me. Now get out there!
You're on your way to a medal Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around! Purple heart for Grif, pink heart for Donut, and a brown nose for Simmons.
I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! I haven't even seen Paris yet...
We're moving too slow! we'll have to leave someone behind...
What? No way! You're leaving me behind?!
Sorry Donut, but the military laws are very clear in regards on the 'not it' methodology for making decisions.
Awww man! There's just so much about the army that I don't understand!
SSimmons
Okay, the source of the distress signal should be right outside this - crap!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Zoom out to reveal that they are back at Blood Gulch]
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes