Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Hey kid?

Yeah?

You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Oh... okay. You got it, man!

You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Oh, man! Listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?

Church, women are like Voltron; the more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Me? I can't drive that thing!

You're telling me you're not armor certified?

I ca— I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?

No! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!

Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!

[to Caboose] Yeah, okay. Whatever, moron! [back to Tucker] Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second. What did he just say?

Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...

Is that bad?

Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!

There! There he is!

Where? [sees Donut] Oh! Yeah! Oh, I got him! He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

He must be one smart son of a bitch.

Oh shit! Hey, Tucker, look at his armor. It's red.

Oh man! That means it's their sergeant.

Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.

Uh...you know...he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

Rodger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge. [takes four shots; all miss]

Aw crap. [sees Tucker staring] What?

You're really not very good with that thing, are you?

Oh, great. Now he's taunting us! That's just embarrassing.

All right, that's it! I've had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

Right!

Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

There is no way I'm going through that thing.

Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

We already tested the teleporter, remember?

We threw rocks through it!

Yeah and so what? The rocks came through the other side, didn't they?

Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then? You're afraid of a little black stuff.

Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

Tucker, I almost hate to do this to ya. [Church points his gun at him]

You wouldn't.

You know, I look at it this way: either a) we go through there and get the flag back, or b) we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

For the record, I want you to know: rocks aren't people.

Duly noted. Now get in there.

Crap! All right. One... two...

Huh. He didn't come out the other side...

Yeah. I've, uh... I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

Okay, Rookie, you stay here. I'll be back with the flag.

FREEZE! [aims assault rifle at Donut]

Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You could've hit me, dick!

Can it! Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge! I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

I just got here two hours ago and I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

Yeah! That's what I just said.

Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

THREE!

JESUS!

HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

What in the hell?! Tucker? Is that you?

How did you get up here ahead of me?

And what's with that black shit on your armor?

Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut's head]

Will you stop calling me a Sergeant? I'm still just a Private!

The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!

Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, (motioning towards Donut) he gets promoted to Sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?

I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!

Is this guy a retard?

Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow; just— FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

Whooo-hoooo!

Son of a bitch!

Holy shit!

Run! Jesus, run!

The jeep followed me back in time!

What the hell is going on here?

You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!

How did you get their flag?

I don't know, I just asked for it.

Wait, that worked!?

I guess. Is it not supposed to?

I don't know. We ...never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go—

There's no time to explain, Rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!

Fine! [starts running towards blue base]

Ugh, back to our base, dumbass!

Uh, I know. I just got turned around that's all.

My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

(obviously annoyed) Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

Well... yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to you.

(whispering) Psst! Hey! They stopped firing.

Why are you whispering?

(whispering) Ummm...I don't know.

Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

No they're not! Look! They left the jeep. They're gone!

Well... I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy but... a'ight, screw it! Let's go get it.

Alright, well... one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

Do you think I was a good kid, Church?

Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitchin' about the cold...

Man, it's fuckin' cold. I hope we get some action.

Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

And that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.

Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.

Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

This doesn't seem physically possible! Hurrk... Blehhh

Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news. And Tex is one of the worst.

If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?

To tell you, I don't know why I'm not dead. Could have killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into eachother once before.

Where?

You, uh... You remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. [starts to fade away] Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

Okay.

I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing! You'll regret it. [fades away completely]

So! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

I told you his girlfriend was a slut!

[Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Did Tex get into the base?

Yeah.

Blue team flag returned.

What the?! Who said that?

[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Hey, its Church!

Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Hey Church, what are you up to?

Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

That sidewinder is cold!

argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Not to let him get involved?

Right, and what did you do?

We let him get involved.

And not just a little involved, how involved?

Very, very involved.

Sarge

Freeze.

Sarge

Drop your weapons.

Hey buddy.

Sarge

What?

You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Whatever no one likes you anyway.

Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Well, that's just perfect!

What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

She?

Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge

Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!