Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.

Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

(Dejectedly) I like me...

I don't think I've ever seen a girl that mean before . . . are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?

I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy. And I'd definitely know if she was part shark.

But you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Right, you should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

A.I. What's the A stand for?

Artificial

What's the...

(Interrupting Caboose) Intelligence

Ohhhhhh, what was the A again?

Let's move on.

So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.

So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.

Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

Are you okay, Tucker?

Yeah, I'm fine. (turns back to their base) Come on, Caboose!

Does it hurt?

No, not at all!

Okay, here I come! (runs into teleport)

Does it hurt for real?

Oh yes, big time.

(as he emerges from the teleport) OOWWWWWWWJEEZ!! (turns to Tucker) You lied to me.

(Over Church's radio, fighting with Caboose) I'm not yelling. I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church! No! I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him! How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

[Radio clicks] Oh my God... I can't believe I actually died for this war.

Sarge

They're definitely special-ops. I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- [Sarge gets possessed by Church] Wakeegeeheerager!

Sir, are you OK?

Uhh... who ya talking to red? Me?

No, I'm talking to Lopez, because, you know, that's real rewarding [Lopez swipes at Grif] Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

I..uh..I'm fine! That's...I'm just so mad about, these..uh..goddamn blues out here! They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit! [Church(Sarge) spits in his helmet]

Um...sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

Uh...yeah. I guess did.

Permission to speak freely sir?

Go ahead.

That's really fucking gross.

Hey man, what's up, yo?

Um, hey. What's going on out there, sir?

What, uh, why, nothing. Why would you ask if something's wrong?

I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Yeah well, I don't know. You're startin' to act kinda suspicious there... other red guy, so I'm keeping my eye on you.

Sarge, I'm starting to think tha- [Church huts Simmons in the back of the head ] OWWW! Jeez, the back of my head.

What the hell are you doing?!

Tex, it's me, Church. I'm here to rescue you.

You're a little short to be Church.

What? Oh yeah, right the armor. [Church leaves Sarge's body]

Sarge

What in Sam hell? Where the... who spat on my visor?

Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy so that I can sneak into the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, covered in black stuff that they got from going through the teleporter.

Okay.

What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

Nope, it pretty much all makes sense.

Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

I can see through you, it's pretty obvious.

Okay, well let me pop back into this guy and we'll get out of here.

Alright, I'll make one more distraction, and then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One...two...thr- [Caboose fires the sniper rifle, killing Sarge] What the... where did my body go?! Oh you've gotta be kidding me! [Looks around]

Tucker did it!

Sarge

Will I remember any of this?

Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.

Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

[before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

Hey Church, Look! Birds! ...Why are they flying around in circles?

Ay, muchachos, necesite darle... un aviso... ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy hablando español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español! [Translated: Guys, I need to give... you a... warning. What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!]

Um... sure.

¡No, no, escúchame! ¡La bruja te va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en la tanque! [Translated: No, listen to me! The bitch is going to kill you! She is working in the tank!]

Oh Crap! Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I'd better radio Church and tell him what's going on.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Please!

Yes... You can be the one who radios Church.

Thanks man. [Activating radio] Calling Church. Come in Church. This is your close personal friend, Private O'Malley.

O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose!

I never said that! You guys did!

Why didn't you correct us?

Because I didn't want to be difficult. [Radios Church] Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armour vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. [clears throat] How is your progression?

¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchándome! ¡No mas Puedo hablar español! [Translated as: Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!]

[Turns to Tucker] ... He says he wants to talk to you.

¡Un tanque... grrrande!

Hey, I think that if you are going to live in this country, you should speak the language.

What country? We're on an alien planet.

What are you, a communist?

Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore! [Tex explodes]

Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]

Uh, where's Lopez going?

Sarge

To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.

Shouldn't we help him?

Sarge

Nah, that would just ruin the moment.

Hey Church, we have a problem.

I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!

I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

No I didn't.

Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

What, what context?!

Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay ? I thought we'd established by now-

Excuse me?

Hey pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Look, I thought we'd established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.

Excuse me.

Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?

[Scary Voice] Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.

...he’s doing that thing again!

My name is... DuFresne. Are you Private Tucker?

No I'm not Private Tucker, my name is Church. [Turning towards Tucker] This is Private Tucker.

Yo!

And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or... O'Malley or whatever the hell he's calling himself.

Why does he always introduce me second?

Because he hates you.

I received your call for a medic.

Medic? That was like three months ago...

Yeah what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

I came here as quickly as I could. Where is the patient?

Well, about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down.

Oh... I'm sorry about your loss...

What? Oh yeah. Yeah... Thanks man... That was tough but what anybody can do...

We didn't like her very much... [Whispering] She was mean to other people.

And who's in the other grave.

That's eh... That's me! I'm in that grave.

Ahem... Of course!

See, uh, he got killed by this, uh... crazy runaway tank-

[Interrupting] Or by the idiot driving it.

Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue.