[After Cat has hidden his Polymorph children from the rest of the crew]
ListerWell we have to narrow down the search somehow.
Got an idea! Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks, so it'll drive him down there!
Lister
And then what?
Track them down undetected!
Lister
They are Polymorphs! They feed off emotions, they will sense us!
Not if one of us has got no emotions, as they've had them all removed!
Lister
[Confused] Eh?
Listy, if you have a personality tuck to remove all your emotions, we'll sorted!
Lister
That stupid tuck machine, why me?
Kryten is the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him. [Kryten nods in agreement] It can't be me, obviously. That leaves you!
Lister
Why can't it be you?
Lister
Moonbase coming up on our starboard side, what is this place Krytes?
Mmh, according to the ident, it's a United America scientific research station.
United America? Who's that?
Well, at the end of the 23rd century, America attempted to bring peace to the world by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty. Any nation that refused, they invaded. Now, a war ensued that was called, 'The War Against War'! Those countries that went to war, because they were so against war that they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war, called themselves, United America!
Lister
This evil cure Kryten, any idea on who they tested it on?
You think there might be wall-to-wall crazies in here? Running around rioting, screaming, and stabbing people?
Lister
You make it sound like my old school!
I want all the bazookoids, safetys off, ready to fire.
All the bazookoids are back on Red Dwarf, sir.
[Sighing] Have we got any guns with us?
Just your staple gun, sir.
Dramatic zoom in on Rimmer.
Lister
Ah! So you can't go anywhere, without us!
TProfessor Telford
I only need one of you, [Aims gun at the crew] the rest of you are going to die! [To Cat] You!
TProfessor Telford
You have no loyalty to them, a Cat has no fidelity to anyone but himself. Join me!
Lister
I don't care what the damn scan says, we're the Posse! [Begins to perform the 'Boys from the Dwarf' gang signal, with Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat following] Boys from the Dwarf!
Lister
Noones changing sides here!
PTProfressor Telford
[To Cat] I'll give you anything that you want!
Cat walks across the room and stands next to Telford.
Lister
[Shocked] Cat man!
Lister
I'll give you anything that your heart desires, plus a special secret surprise, if you join us!
[Excited] I love secret surprises!
Cat excitedly jumps across the room and stands next to the crew again.
TProfessor Telford
They're not going to be giving you anything since pretty soon they'll gonna be dead! In fact let me prove it to you by killing them one-by-one!
No wait! I'm with you! But I get to do it! [Becomes stonefaced]
Cat slowly walks across the room back to Telford, who cautiously aims the gun at Cat.
TProfessor Telford
Can I trust you? Can I? [Aims gun right at Cat's head] Really?
I'm a psychopath, ain't I? You and me both! What more do you need?
Telford takes out a laser pistol from his back-pocket and hands it to Cat.
Cat takes the pistol, and shoots Telford in the face killing him instantly.
[On television monitor] Hey, bud! It's me! How you doing with that shirt?
[On television monitor] My ass is freezing here! I got six nipples you can hang mugs on!
The television monitor turns off and quickly back on showing Rimmer in a corridor.
[On television monitor] Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it doesn't appear to have been mopped in at least two days. I can hardly see my face in it!
[Whispering to himself] A blessing, some would say. [Now speaking directly] I'm on it right now, sir.
The television monitor turns off and quickly back on showing Lister lying on a couch.
Lister
[On television monitor] Kryten, when you get a chance, could you grab us a beer?
Camera reveals Kryten and Lister in the same room.
Sir, I'm rather busy right now! Could you possibly get it yourself?
Lister
Fine.
Lister leans over and takes out a beer from the mini-fridge right next to him.
CCCrit Cop
You don't know what it was like before. Ship was a shambles. Everyone arguing, constantly choosing new captains. So they brought in the anti-criticism law to make people more tolerant.
Lister
But any smegger can see that society can't function like that.
CCCrit Cop
Yeah, but once they outlawed criticism, nobody could criticise the criticism law because it was illegal to criticise! Idiots! I just criticised something, didn't I? Oh, God, I've not done that for ages, that felt good! Oh! Criticising's great, isn't it?! Gives ya a real lift! [To Rimmer] I don't like your shoes, by the way. [To Kryten] Ah! What's the story with his head? Looks like something from that TV show, "When Circumcisions Go Wrong"!
As Second Technician and acting senior officer onboard the JMC registered mining ship, Red Dwarf, I have the privilege to advise that, you, Third Technician David Lister have been promoted.
Lister
Which makes me equal with you so now, you can't demote me! You totally screwed that one up, didn't you, Rimmer?
Have been promoted from Third Technician to Technician 2.5, making you under my authority by half a command point, still giving me the ability to demote you.
Lister
So demote me then, like I care.
Maybe I won't demote you.
Lister
Of course you will.
Feels good, doesn't it? Does your chest jut out that bit more? Do you feel a little bit taller?
Lister
I told you Rimmer. I. Don't. Care.
I bet your gran would be proud, if she knew.
Lister
[Face turns solemn] I know what you're trying to do here, Rimmer.
In that case you'll know all I want is for you to be the best person you can be. Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking and getting fatter!
Hey, that's not fair, he's not getting fatter. He's always been this fat!
You think I'm the bad guy in this, don't you? But, Lister, you're bright, you could go places, maybe even further than me.
Lister
Definitely further than you.
And it frustrates me no end to see you fritter it all away. And, here's another thing. Just imagine how proud your gran would be if she'd known you'd be promoted. Am I right?
Lister
Maybe.
Lister
All right, she'd have been made-up. She always told me that...
[Interrupting] You're demoted.
A political advertisement suddenly starts on the monitor.
[On the television] Tonight we look at the two contenders, statesman and war hero, Arnold J. Rimmer, and toilet droid Kryten 2X4B 523P.
Lister
[Watching] What's this?
PAPolitical Ad Narrator
A mechanoid is running for election, but do the electorate know this droid has a history of mental illness? The only survivor on the Nova-5, he tended a crew of skeletons believing them to be alive. He now wants to look after you. Do you mind he can't tell the difference between the living and the dead?
[On the television] You're only as good as your running mate. Has anyone taken a close look at Kryten's number two, David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister?
Lister
[Watching] You what?
[On the television] A man who served a jail term in stasis for smuggling unquarantined animals aboard a JMC mining ship? Major questions remain unanswered!
A political advertisement suddenly starts on the monitor.
Lister
[On the television] This infomercial comes to you on behalf of the Independent Future Party.
PAPolitical Ad Narrator
Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped out the crew of Red Dwarf and killed himself, twice! Are you really going to put your life in this maniac's hands?
Lister
[On the television] Arnold Rimmer. Not fit. Not trusted. A no-good, double-dealing, cheating, slimy little smegger!
On the television, Kryten runs up next to Lister.
Lister
I got more, Kryten.
[To the camera] I'm Kryten 2X4B 523P, and I approve this message!
Lister
I've got more!
Lister realizes the ad is over and smiles at the camera next to Kryten.
[Singing a rendition of Happy Birthday to You] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, Mr. Lister! Happy birthday to you!
Lister
[Waking up from bed] Today?
[Setting down a birthday cake] It's the big one, sir!
Lister
What, I'm thirty?
Kryten chuckles and lifts his arms indicating a higher number.
Lister
Forty?
Kryten chuckles and lifts his arms again.
Lister
Oh, what am I doing? I don't want to know! Don't want to know. Brain, I'm not listening. [Covering his ears and miming singing] La la la la la la la.
The years pass, but with them comes the soothing balm of new found grace and maturity.
The program on the monitor finishes updating and the JMC logo is replaced with that of M-Corp along with a melodic tune accompanying it.
Lister
M-Corp?
Aniter appears on the screen.
AAniter
Your company has been bought by M-Corp. You probably have a lot of questions. Who is M-Corp? What do we do? Let's find out together. M-Corp is the biggest multinational conglomerate in known space. We lead, we innovate using our patented M-Corp port technology. Your ship will now be stocked with a variety of M-Corp products to elevate your lifestyle in space.
Several white crates marked with the M-Corp logo materialize onboard the ship.
AAniter
M-Corp. We love looking after you!
Lister
There's no way I'm buying anything off you guys! Ever.
Lister reacts to a sharp pain in his stomach.
AAniter
Would you like to buy some pain pills, Dave?
Lister
No.
Lister reacts to another sharp pain.
AAniter
We can dock it directly from your account.
Lister
[In pain] All right, fine! Quick.
The sound of a coin click plays as the pills appear.
Lister
Water! I need a glass of water!
AAniter
That will be 40 dollar-pounds, Dave.
Lister
[In disbelief] For water?
AAniter
For the glass. The water is a further 400 dollar-pounds.
[close to tears] You don't need me. I'm not sure you ever did. I don't exist. What's the point of me?
Lister
[desperately] Rimmer, we're the posse. We're the "Boyz" from the Dwarf. We're like the Four Musketeers. D'Artagnan, Porthos, Athos... and the other one. Rimmer, you're the other one.
Lister
You do all the stuff that the other one does.
Lister
Other one stuff!
Other one stuff? What's other one stuff?
Lister
All the stuff that the others haven't done that the other one does.
Lister
No you're not.
Red Dwarf · 473 quotes
