Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

We've walked 4,000 miles.

Erin

How many do you want?

Rimmer

Eight.

Erin

Eight?! You walked across half the known world for eight lemons?

Rimmer

You're right, that's absolutely insane. Make it ten.

Kryten

According to the note, he's gone back to 23AD so he can "trash his reputation so this Christianity thingth never taketh off-ffff-ffff-ffff-ffffth"

Lister

What? No Christianity? What about Christmas? We've killed Wallace and Gromit!

Lister

Look, so some stupid people did some stupid things in your name. It's not your fault. You make a lot of people happy. I mean, look at me: I presumed that throughout history, all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And I realised they're not. In fact you're a bit of a knob. Just like me. Which means that I'm okay.

Jesus

Yeah, I don't wanna be me. I don't wanna walk down the street and have people say 'ooh, look there's the Jesus of Caesarea, the guy who caused all the wars!'

Rimmer

Jesus of Caesarea? You mean Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus

[incredulous] Jesus of Caesarea? Son of Rachel the Fornicator, Samuel the Chicken Stealer.

Lister

Samuel the Chicken Stealer?

Jesus

He stole them, not me. Take it up with him. I'm always having to leg it because of him.

Rimmer

Erm, is Jesus quite a popular name around here?

Jesus

Yeah, there's a few of us. There's Jesus, son of John with a funny nose.... Jesus, son of Luke, he wraps plant leaves around the feet of horses, about 70 of us at the last census.

Jesus

Does this mean I'm not the son of God?

Jesus

Oh, bugger.

Rimmer

What’s that smell? Has there been a fire in here?

Lister

Just a small one. I put it out with me beer.

Rimmer

For goodness sake, Lister, that’s terrible!

Lister

Don’t panic, I’ve got another one.

Rimmer

Lister, we have health and safety protocols for a reason: to safeguard the crew.

Lister

What crew? The original crew? They all got wiped out remember?

Rimmer

Exactly.

Lister

By you.

Rimmer

...Exactly!

Lister

When you didn't fix that drive plate properly, and that radiation leak fried them to a crisp.

Rimmer

......Exactly!

Rimmer

Women have moved on from that move.

Lister

Moves don’t move on.

Rimmer

Moves move on!

Lister

What, moves move?

Lister

So, let me get this right. We’re being attacked by something but we don’t know what, and there’s no way of finding out what’s out there?

Kryten

I have a suggestion, sirs.

Rimmer

What?

Kryten

How about we look out of the window?

Lister

I'd hardly call yelling "Mummy, mummy," dignified.

Rimmer

Lister, I didn't yell "mummy, mummy".

Lister

No you didn't have time, you just yelled "Mu...".

Kryten

Please sirs, this is very bad for morale. I can't believe you're arguing about who's going to have the best death!

Arnold, I’m not your father.

Rimmer

But that's impossible. It's not true.

Look inside yourself and you will know I speak the truth. Your father wasn't me... it's Dungo, our gardener.

Rimmer

But he's a babbling imbecile!

Lister

A billion-piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.

Lister

Mmm (enjoys an ice cream cone in the top bunk as Rimmer lies in the lower bunk).

Rimmer

Who eats ice cream in bed?

Lister

Ah ah ah (ice cream plops on the floor) No complainin'. And no complainin' about not being able to complain about not complainin'.

Rimmer

You know what the difference is between you and me?

Lister

I can't store hand luggage up me nostrils.

Lister

Smeg happens Rimmer, you just have to roll with it.

Rimmer

I've been rolling in smeg my whole damn life Lister. You don't need to lecture me about smeg rolling!

Cat

I got it! I got it! The inventor guy I'm like, begins with R!

Lister

Who?

Cat

Archimedes!

Lister

Okay, okay, we got pictures coming through.

This is Captain Edwin Herring of the S.S. Nautilus, can you read me? Over.

Rimmer

Copy, Nautilus! But there's something wrong with our video feed. From our end you look like a hideous 19th century circus freak.

Cat

Bud! You look like you're wearing a toupée made of face!

Lister

Yeah, one look at you and even the Elephant Man would wanna jump in his mum and dad's bed!

The bio-printer jammed, it's faulty. My face has been printed on the top of my head. Any advice?

Cat

Yeah, don't wear a hat!

What's my position? Obviously, it's difficult to see.

Lister

What the smeg was that?

Kryten

Its the EM boosters. Of course! Butler, the damn fool, he didn't realize that unlike the Nova-3, all our boards have universal linkage!

Lister

Meaning?

Kryten

The engines are gonna burnout, sir! He'll look utterly stupid!

Lister

So does that mean we'll gonna crash?

Kryten

How stupid is he gonna look then!

Lister

Yeah, but say we die!

Kryten

Even better!

Lister

Is there no way we can land and repair?

Kryten

Well, we could. But why should we help Butler out?

Lister

Kryten!

Kryten

Oh, my jealousy chip's overloading, sir! Return to sane mode! [Computer sounds emit from Kryten] Of course we should land!