Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

Listen, Kryten, I've been thinkin' about this, I've come up with something.

Kryten

Yes, sir?

Lister

I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.

Kryten

Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?

Lister

OK. I'm here, what's the beef?

We've got a visitor.

Lister

What?

A pod arrived about 20 minutes ago. Something was in it, but it's broken free.

Lister

Any ideas?

Well, I don't want to spread any panic or alarm.

Lister

Whaddya mean, you don't wanna spread panic and alarm?

Well, you've always had this thing against tarantulas, haven't you?

Lister

(worried) Tarantulas?

I mean that you've never been overly fond of them as a species, have you?

Lister

Well, no.

And the prospect of waking up and finding one crawling over your clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a kind of cold dread?

Lister

Well, yeah. W - what are you trying to say to me, Holly?

I'm saying it might not be your night.

Lister

We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?

Cat

Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!

Lister

Kryten! Are you okay, man?

Kryten

I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.

Kryten

Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.

Lister

Is it?

Kryten

Hm, the most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone. Angling, golf and of course the all time number one.

Cat

It's not just humans, look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together. One of them winds up on the others toothpick.

Kryten

Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats. Even vultures when they're in captivity.

Lister

What are you saying to me? 'Vultures need personal space'? They need time alone to put their feet up and read 'What Carcass?' magazine?

Lister

I'm just saying, there's 79 more days to go.

Kryten

And if you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.

Lister

Do you mind if I ask why?

Kryten

Well, let's forget the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get straight to the really gross part when you always, and I do mean ALWAYS, having blown your nose, you have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?

Rimmer

Gentlemen... your conversation makes interesting listening.

Lister

Rimmer, is that you?

Rimmer

Oh, yes...

Lister

How long have you been listenin'?

Rimmer

Two, maybe three hours...

Lister

Well nobody's got any disease, man.

Cat

We're clean.

Kryten

You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.

Lister

No-one's got any virus, and no-one's smeggin' nuts!

Rimmer

Well that's good.

Rimmer

Is something amiss?

Lister

Hell no! What could possibly be amiss?

Rimmer

You don't think anything's amiss? I'm wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think nothing is amiss?

Rimmer

I can't let you out.

Lister

Why not?

Rimmer

Because the King of the Potato People wont let me. (laughter) I begged him, I got down on my knees, and wept. He wants to keep you here... Keep you here for ten years.

Cat

Can we see him?

Rimmer

See who?

Cat

The King.

Rimmer

Do you have a magic carpet?

Lister

Yeh...a little three seater!

Rimmer

So let me get this straight: you want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people, and plead with him for your freedom... and you're telling me you're completely sane? I think that calls for two hours of W-O-O.

Lister

[panicked] What's W-O-O?

Cat

You had to ask...

Rimmer

With... Out.. Oxygen! Two hours without oxygen. That'll teach you to be breadbaskets! (fades)

Kryten

That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone.

Cat

You really think it's gonna blow?

Rimmer

This can't be happening.

Lister

Nothin's gonna happen. We're just here as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowin' are about one in -

Welcome, brothers, we bring food and medical supplies.

Poor devil, his gun must have gone off accidentally.

Welcome, my children, we bring you balms and tinctures.

We would be pleased to sing you healing hymns!

Lister

Is he dead?

Rimmer

We can only hope.

Kryten

Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?

Lister

What are you implying?

Kryten

No implication intended, sir.

Lister

Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.

Kryten

That's one option.

Lister

Any alternatives?

Kryten

None that occur.

Rimmer

This venom -- are we safe in here?

Lister

It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.

Rimmer

It's coming straight for us.

Lister

There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.

Cat

To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!

Rimmer

I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way.

I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance.

Kryten

Where is it, precisely?

Rimmer

Directly above you. Two thousand fathoms and diving.

Lister

Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?

Rimmer

I was lying. It's only one thousand fathoms.

Rimmer

There, on the floor... P-S-I-R-E-N-S... "Psirens?"

Kryten

The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.

Rimmer

But who would do that?

Lister

Someone who BADLY needed a pen.

Cat

What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.

Rimmer

I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.

Rimmer

Lister, she's a computer sprite. She's just a load of pixels.

Lister

Yeah, but what pixels.