“The Inquisitor”
In this episode: Kryten (7), Arnold Rimmer (6), Dave Lister (4), Inquisitor Rimmer (3), The Cat (2), Holly (1)
So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?
Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Now then: justify yourself.
Well...first, I've -
Liar!
Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?
I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
Well, that's true.
Can I go now?
...That's your case?
You need more?
Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
Well, Kryten? Justify yourself.
I'm not sure I can.
But surely your life is replete with good works? There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
But I am programmed to live unselfishly. And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
Well, then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
Your argument invites deletion.
The rules are yours, not mine.
Do you wish to be erased?
I am programmed not to wish for anything. I serve.
In a human, this type of behaviour could be considered "stubborn".
But I am not human. And neither are you. And it is not our place to judge them. I wonder why you do.
We're locked out!
This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!
Holly, any traffic around?
Nothing on the local scan.
This isn't possible! There must be -
Inquisitor (through Lister): I am in possession of the human known as Lister. Do not attempt to resist me!
What happened to him? His voice finally break?
Kryten (realising what's happening): Uh, who are you?
Inquisitor (through Lister): Tremble at my name, for I am the Inquisitor!
The Inquisitor?!
Inquisitor (through Lister): Your vessel is under my control. It will return you to your mother ship, where you will face judgement. You will each present a case to justify your existence. If you fail, you will be deleted.
That is the Inquisitor; he prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless!
We're in big trouble!
Sir! Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life!
Oh, God.
Make a contribution.
Oh, God.
No matter how small.
Oh, God.
You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.
You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
Well, shut up then!
'ang on a minute, why should we take any notice of some crazed rogue robot who's appointed 'imself judge and jury to the whole of humanity? Why should we kowtow to his judgement?
Inquisitor (through Lister): Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry reed!!!
Lister (gasping): Good answer, man, good answer!
You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life. Tell me - what have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
Well, I - I say this with the highest respect, but...what gives you the right to ask - no, actually, demand - that answer of me - your magnificence? (this last is delivered hurriedly with a bow)
ALL must answer to the Inquisitor!
But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
Because...like all who stand before the Inquisitor...your judge shall be...(he flips up his visor revealing...Rimmer!)...yourself!
Oh, smeg.
'Oh, smeg' indeed, matey!
Everyone is judged by their own self?
It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way. Now then: justify yourself.
Well...first, I've -
Liar!
(Opening his visor) Well, get out o' this one, smeghead.
What are you talking about?
You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried, what you could've become.
So?
You've got brains, man, brains you've never used.
So?
So justify yourself.
Spin on it!
(closing his visor) The Inquisition is over...
Uh-oh, the door. We'd better use an air vent.
No need.
Sir?
Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, that's totally, totally gross. I don't want you to look. Turn around.
What?
Trust me, you don't wanna know!
Logically, sir, there is only one way you could have possibly have opened that door. I feel quite nauseous. Where is it?
Lister (innocently): Where's what?
Oh, sir! You've got it in your jacket!!
I got us out of the hold, didn't I?
Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person!
Shut up.
How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
Shut up! Or I'll beat you to death with the wet end!
Listen, Kryten, I've been thinkin' about this, I've come up with something.
Yes, sir?
I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.
Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
