What is it about me? It's always been the same old story. It's not easy to look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes.
How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day!
Lister[lying] We just thought you wouldn't wanna come.
I try to be liked, God knows I try. I regale you with amusing stories of my time in the Hammond Organ Owners' Society. You never laugh. I offer to talk you through my photo collection of 20th-century telegraph poles. You've always got some excuse. None of you like Morris dancing. Would that break your hearts, every once in a while, getting our knees in the air, the jingle of bells, the clonk of wood on wood? Every time I suggest it, you pretend to be ill.
Lister
You've got it wrong, man. We just thought you wouldn't want to come. Now we know you do, great, you can come. The way you're going on about it, it's like some major conspiracy, we've been planning it for days. We haven't. (which of course is a lie)
Lister
Really.
All right, then, I'll come. I'll just get changed. Holly?
Holly (Appears on the screen wearing a fishing cap): Oh, who woke 'im up?!
Skipper, I've decided I'm not going to stay.
Lister
Why?
Him and me. It would never work. I just can't stand to be near the man. To see myself so warped, so bitter, so weasely. The man's a maggot.
Lister
So where're you going to go?
Just out there. I can't go back. But there's a billion other realities to explore. A billion other Arnold Rimmers to meet. Maybe somewhere there's one who's more of a pain in the butt than him. But I doubt it.
Lister
Well, good luck, man. And, look, don't be too hard on Rimmer. You got the break, he didn't. He's just bitter.
D'you know what that break was? At the age of seven, one of us was kept back a year, the other one wasn't. (Gestures to knot on his arm stitches) Put your finger on that, would you, Skipper? (Tugs sharply on thread and breaks it)
Lister
And that's the only difference? Rimmer went down a year, and you stayed up?
Ace (delivering the surprise): No. I was the one who went down a year. By his terms, he got the break. But being kept down a year made me. The humiliation...being the tallest boy in the class by a clear foot. It changed me, made me buckle down, made me fight back. And I've been fighting back ever since.
Lister
While he spent the rest of his life making excuses.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I did get the lucky break.
Lister
Whoa, whoa, whoa! They're bringing someone out! They're tying him to the stake.... It's Winnie the Pooh!
Lister
Winnie the Pooh, I'm being serious! He's refusing the blindfold.... They're lining up in front of him....
[gunshots]
Lister
....That's something no man should ever have to see...
What do you think these guys are gonna do to us?
Lister Whatever it takes to find out about the paddle.
Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word 'torture'. I can take it!
Lister
OK, they may torture us.
[Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids.]
Lister
How many survived?
Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.
Lister
So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Lister
No it isn't, pal. You're still here!
Lister
Wood. It's kind of an inverted L shape made of wood.
Does it have a kind of rope motif?
Lister
There is a kind of noosey theme to it, yeah!
It's gallows! Look if it's gallows then say it's gallows! I can take it!
Lister
Ok! It's gallows!
Waah! They're building the gallows to hang us!
Lister
Look man, don't panic. We're gonna escape.
Lister
Just...hijack the guards when they come in, nick their uniforms and stroll out.
Are you insane? Do you seriously expect me to wear grey out of season? I'd rather hang.
Lister
Hang on, hang on. Something's happening. Some kind of parade or drill but...
Lister
Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis...they're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looks like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon. Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.
Lister
Well, just lining up in ... in some kind of firing squad. Whoa, Whoa! Hang on, hang on. Someone's being brought out, they're tying him to a stake. (looking horrified) It's Winnie the Pooh.
Lister
Winnie the Pooh, I swear! He's refusing the blindfold.
They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?
Lister
...That's something no one should ever have to see.
[Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids.]
There are always casualties in war, gentlemen, otherwise it wouldn't be war. Just a rather nasty argument with a lot of pushing and shoving.
Lister
So how many survived?
Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.
Lister
So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished!
Lister
No it isn't, pal. You're still here!
I brought about peace! Peace, freedom and democracy!
Lister
Yeah, Rimmer, right, absolutely. Now all the corpses that litter that battlefield can just lie there, safe under the knowledge that they snuffed it under a flag of peace, and can now happily decompose in a land of freedom. Ya smeghead.
[Lister swallows Rimmer's light bee]
Sir! What are you thinking of?
Lister
It's okay. He'll come out in a couple a days, and he'll have been through what he put us through. Does anyone fancy a vindaloo?
What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.
Possible but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.
I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance.
Lister
Even if it costs you your mind?
It's a small price to pay.
Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste. I'm not a half man any more. With them I'm whole again.
Lister
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? (Pause) What am I saying? Bon voyage!
[Rimmer is saying goodbye to the other Dwarfers]
Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as...people I met. I'd just better go, OK?
Lister
See you, smeghead.
ILInquisitor Lister
(Opening his visor) Well, get out o' this one, smeghead.
Lister
What are you talking about?
ILInquisitor Lister
You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried, what you could've become.
Lister
So?
ILInquisitor Lister
You've got brains, man, brains you've never used.
Lister
So?
ILInquisitor Lister
So justify yourself.
Lister
Spin on it!
(closing his visor) The Inquisition is over...
Uh-oh, the door. We'd better use an air vent.
Lister
No need.
Lister
Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, that's totally, totally gross. I don't want you to look. Turn around.
Lister
Trust me, you don't wanna know!
Logically, sir, there is only one way you could have possibly have opened that door. I feel quite nauseous. Where is it?
Lister (innocently): Where's what?
Oh, sir! You've got it in your jacket!!
Lister
I got us out of the hold, didn't I?
Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person!
Lister
Shut up.
How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
Lister
Shut up! Or I'll beat you to death with the wet end!
Red Dwarf · 473 quotes
