Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

Sir, I just can't eat anymore raw coffee.

Lister

Two more bowls.

Kryten

But I am sober, honest!

Lister

OK, who are you and why're you here?

Kryten

I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus, and none of this exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do exist, only you're not really here, you're really on some space ship in the future. Hell, if that's got to make sense I don't want to be sober!

Rimmer

SCRAMBLE! SCRAMBLE!

Lister

[sleepily] Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans, man.

Kryten

According to the psi-scan, it's somewhere in this location.

Lister

It's the barrel! [shoots at the barrel] Sorry. False alarm. That chain, it's moving! [shoots chain] Sorry. Sorry.

Kryten

Sir, try and remain calm. You're experiencing a classic knee-jerk, paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL! [shoots the wall] Shame overload. I... I... I sorry.

Lister

There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug?

Kryten

Or we could use the teleporter.

Lister

Or in a pinch, we could use the teleporter.

Lister

[deciding on whether or not to go into an abandoned Rogue Simulant ship and get food] Kryten, what's for dinner?

Kryten

Tonight, sir, asteroid lichen stew followed by dandelion sorbet.

Lister

We're going in.

Kryten

Please, sir, don't panic.

Rimmer

It's not panic, it's a full blown hysterical fit.

Kryten

Grind those balls, sir. Grind them!

Rimmer

So let me get this straight. If we board that ship and get captured, we're finished. However, if we board that ship, don't get captured, but the superstructure disintegrates around us, we're finished. On the other hand, if we board that ship, don't get captured and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished?

Lister

That's about the shape of it, yeah.

Kryten

After you with the balls, sir...

Lister

This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but... I can't bring myself to say it.

Rimmer

Say what?

Lister

Take us to your leader.

Kryten

Sir, how could you?

Rimmer

It can't have gone unnoticed that morale is at an all-time low. We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf and supplies are low. So I have decided to appoint myself morale officer and set myself the task of raising morale all round. Now I thought it would productive if we all met once a week and had a coffee or a beer -- whatever's your poison -- and get any troubles we may have off our chests. Any objections? [the others mutter agreement.] Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick? Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerbil-faced optimism. And as for the Cat -- what an unbelievable git. And Kryten -- if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish. Well, that's cleared the air. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better. Thank for your contributions gentlemen. See you at next week's morale meeting. Marvellous. [exits]

Lister

Good meeting.

Rimmer

Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.

Lister

Okay, punching it up.

Lister

Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!

Kryten

Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?

Rimmer

So we're still three million years away from Earth?

Rimmer

Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.

Lister

Okay, punching it up.

Lister

Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!

Kryten

Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?

Rimmer

So we're still three million years away from Earth?

Kryten

Well, yes.

Lister

[sighs] Taking her back to the present.

Kryten

Keyed in. Engage.

Rimmer

So forgive me if I'm being thicker than the offspring of a village idiot and a TV weather girl, but what was the point of that little exercise? Fun though it was, drinking in the heady medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance deep space, the drive is next to useless, yes?

Cat

So what do we do?

Rimmer

Have we got any chance of winning?

Kryten

Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.

Rimmer

Then I say fight! (dramatic chord of music)

Rimmer

Better dead than smeg!

Lister

Ye-es! Cat?

Cat

Better dead than sofa-size butt!

Lister

Kryten?

Kryten

Better anything than that toupee!

Ace

You can't judge a book by its cover.

Lister

And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.

Lister

Are you my faithful man servant or what?

Kryten

I'm ashamed to be with you sir. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.

Good Knight, bring me this knave's head on a silver platter.

Hey, steady!

Then disembowel him and feed his innards to the crows.

This is worse than playing away at Leeds.

Kochanski

Rimmer?

Rimmer

Yes, ma'am?

Kochanski

Have sex with someone, and that's an order.

Rimmer

Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

Lister

[Hands him a card] Here, phone this number. Say I sent ya. Tell her it's an emergency.