Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

Perhaps that person we saw is a different version of Mr. Rimmer from an alternative dimension.

Rimmer

So if he dies, not the end of the world.

Kryten

Or perhaps he's a clone of Mr. Rimmer produced somehow from his DNA.

Rimmer

Again, if he dies, not the end of the world.

Kryten

Or perhaps that man is you, sir, a you seized from the future and taken back into the past.

Cat

Again, if he dies, not the end of the world!

Lister

Mmm (enjoys an ice cream cone in the top bunk as Rimmer lies in the lower bunk).

Rimmer

Who eats ice cream in bed?

Lister

Ah ah ah (ice cream plops on the floor) No complainin'. And no complainin' about not being able to complain about not complainin'.

Rimmer

You know what the difference is between you and me?

Lister

I can't store hand luggage up me nostrils.

Lister

Smeg happens Rimmer, you just have to roll with it.

Rimmer

I've been rolling in smeg my whole damn life Lister. You don't need to lecture me about smeg rolling!

Rimmer

Ah, I thought you might be here!

How could I be of service, sir?

Rimmer

I'd quite like to see you with regard to your psychiatric skills!

Rimmer

[Blissfully unaware of Snacky's nervousness] I've got some issues with my father, who I recently discovered wasn't my father. Also I've got some issues with my mother, who very sadly, is my mother.

Lister

Okay, okay, we got pictures coming through.

This is Captain Edwin Herring of the S.S. Nautilus, can you read me? Over.

Rimmer

Copy, Nautilus! But there's something wrong with our video feed. From our end you look like a hideous 19th century circus freak.

Cat

Bud! You look like you're wearing a toupée made of face!

Lister

Yeah, one look at you and even the Elephant Man would wanna jump in his mum and dad's bed!

The bio-printer jammed, it's faulty. My face has been printed on the top of my head. Any advice?

Cat

Yeah, don't wear a hat!

What's my position? Obviously, it's difficult to see.

Cat

What about your escape pods? Maybe use one of those!

Too late, they've escaped. That's what happens when we put machines on artificial intelligence - they just look after number one.

Rimmer

Perhaps you should print some more of your crew, sir! Get assistance!

I've just told you my bio-printer's faulty you cretin. My visuals are down... what's your name crewman?

Rimmer

Dave Lister, sir!

Don't speak again Lister, understand?

Rimmer

Yes, sir!

Cat

Hey, what the hell is this?

We're the barbershop quartet!

Rimmer

Any ID?

Lister

Well we have to narrow down the search somehow.

Rimmer

Got an idea! Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks, so it'll drive him down there!

Lister

And then what?

Kryten

Track them down undetected!

Lister

They are Polymorphs! They feed off emotions, they will sense us!

Rimmer

Not if one of us has got no emotions, as they've had them all removed!

Lister

[Confused] Eh?

Rimmer

Listy, if you have a personality tuck to remove all your emotions, we'll sorted!

Lister

That stupid tuck machine, why me?

Rimmer

Kryten is the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him. [Kryten nods in agreement] It can't be me, obviously. That leaves you!

Lister

Why can't it be you?

Rimmer

Don't interrupt.

Lister

Moonbase coming up on our starboard side, what is this place Krytes?

Kryten

Mmh, according to the ident, it's a United America scientific research station.

Rimmer

United America? Who's that?

Kryten

Well, at the end of the 23rd century, America attempted to bring peace to the world by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty. Any nation that refused, they invaded. Now, a war ensued that was called, 'The War Against War'! Those countries that went to war, because they were so against war that they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war, called themselves, United America!

Lister

This evil cure Kryten, any idea on who they tested it on?

Rimmer

You think there might be wall-to-wall crazies in here? Running around rioting, screaming, and stabbing people?

Lister

You make it sound like my old school!

Rimmer

I want all the bazookoids, safetys off, ready to fire.

Kryten

All the bazookoids are back on Red Dwarf, sir.

Rimmer

[Sighing] Have we got any guns with us?

Kryten

Just your staple gun, sir.

Rimmer

Fill her up!

Cat

[On television monitor] Hey, bud! It's me! How you doing with that shirt?

Kryten

Coming right up, sir.

Cat

[On television monitor] My ass is freezing here! I got six nipples you can hang mugs on!

Kryten

I'm seconds away, sir.

Rimmer

[On television monitor] Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it doesn't appear to have been mopped in at least two days. I can hardly see my face in it!

Kryten

[Whispering to himself] A blessing, some would say. [Now speaking directly] I'm on it right now, sir.

Lister

[On television monitor] Kryten, when you get a chance, could you grab us a beer?

Kryten

Sir, I'm rather busy right now! Could you possibly get it yourself?

Lister

Fine.

Rimmer

Look, we're here to warn you that your ship is on a collision course with a very important moon called Planet Rimmer.

I'm gonna let you off with a caution.

Cat

[To the crew] Caution?! How dumb is this guy? [To the Crit Cop] Hey! Lieutenant Asshole, If you don't move your dumb-ass spaceship, we're gonna be flatter than your wife's droopy-ass titties, capisce?

Rimmer

As Second Technician and acting senior officer onboard the JMC registered mining ship, Red Dwarf, I have the privilege to advise that, you, Third Technician David Lister have been promoted.

Lister

Which makes me equal with you so now, you can't demote me! You totally screwed that one up, didn't you, Rimmer?

Rimmer

Have been promoted from Third Technician to Technician 2.5, making you under my authority by half a command point, still giving me the ability to demote you.

Lister

So demote me then, like I care.

Rimmer

Maybe I won't demote you.

Lister

Of course you will.

Rimmer

Feels good, doesn't it? Does your chest jut out that bit more? Do you feel a little bit taller?

Lister

I told you Rimmer. I. Don't. Care.

Rimmer

I bet your gran would be proud, if she knew.

Lister

[Face turns solemn] I know what you're trying to do here, Rimmer.

Rimmer

In that case you'll know all I want is for you to be the best person you can be. Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking and getting fatter!

Cat

Hey, that's not fair, he's not getting fatter. He's always been this fat!

Rimmer

You think I'm the bad guy in this, don't you? But, Lister, you're bright, you could go places, maybe even further than me.

Lister

Definitely further than you.

Rimmer

And it frustrates me no end to see you fritter it all away. And, here's another thing. Just imagine how proud your gran would be if she'd known you'd be promoted. Am I right?

Lister

Maybe.

Rimmer

[Repeating] Maybe?

Lister

All right, she'd have been made-up. She always told me that...

Rimmer

[Interrupting] You're demoted.

Rimmer

[On the television] Tonight we look at the two contenders, statesman and war hero, Arnold J. Rimmer, and toilet droid Kryten 2X4B 523P.

Lister

[Watching] What's this?

A mechanoid is running for election, but do the electorate know this droid has a history of mental illness? The only survivor on the Nova-5, he tended a crew of skeletons believing them to be alive. He now wants to look after you. Do you mind he can't tell the difference between the living and the dead?

Cat

[On the television] You're only as good as your running mate. Has anyone taken a close look at Kryten's number two, David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister?

Lister

[Watching] You what?

Cat

[On the television] A man who served a jail term in stasis for smuggling unquarantined animals aboard a JMC mining ship? Major questions remain unanswered!