Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

[explaining a lateral thinking question.] 'It's 1971, a Swedish man crashes into a tree, what causes the accident?' There's nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car.

Lister

[deadpan.] Riiiight, so, um, this Swedish guy drives into a tree, what caused the accident.... Answer's in the back, right?

Rimmer

Right.

Lister

[milking it.] Well... That's a really hard one, that. I mean, probably gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right. You know what, I'm gonna go for a moose.

Rimmer

A moose?! [scoffs.]

Lister

Yeah, it was in the road, he swerved to avoid the moose.

Rimmer

[checking.] Are you insane? That's never gonna be - it's a moose.

Lister

[wandering out.] Sometimes life is good.

Kryten

Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you, it's ten minutes til your exam-

Rimmer

Kryten, lateral thinking question, just got it myself. It's 1971, a Swedish man drives into a tree, what causes the accident?

Kryten

Well, it's a moose, sir, he swerves and hits a tree.

Rimmer

Is it me? How did you get that?

Cat

Get what?

I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.

Cat

A lottery what?

Rimmer

Ahhh, I knew I could rely on you. What caused this accident?

Cat

[alert.] What accident?

Rimmer

No, no. It's a question, alright? Are you ready? It's 1971, a man-

Cat

Was he Swedish?

Rimmer

... Yes?

Cat

A moose! [Rimmer sags in resignation.] It was a moose! He swerved to avoid it, and hit a tree! Oh, and the moose is on the road, by the way - not in the car driving. Oww! Yea-ah! [dances out of the room.] Oww! Yea-ah!

Rimmer

So now we don’t have that conversation and move straight onto the next conversation?

Pree

Your next conversation is a conversation about not having the previous conversation, saying you were looking forward to the previous conversation, and now feel a bit lost not having had that conversation. You conclude that you will probably get used to hearing the results of your conversations and no longer having the conversations yourselves.

Pree

Mindful of the Space Pollution Act, JMC policy dictates the ship should dispose of itself by flying straight into the nearest sun.

Cat

What?!

Kryten

What about us?

Rimmer

Never mind “us”, what about ME?

Rimmer

He’s got a skullet.

Lister

A skull what?

Rimmer

A bald mullet. A skullet. Bald at the front, mullet at the back. You wouldn't want to go out in public with this guy.

Cat

With just an Allen key and a Phillips screwdriver, assembly should take less than three hours.

Rimmer

That’s Swedish for a week.

Lister

We've walked 4,000 miles.

Erin

How many do you want?

Rimmer

Eight.

Erin

Eight?! You walked across half the known world for eight lemons?

Rimmer

You're right, that's absolutely insane. Make it ten.

Jesus

The only escape from our enemies is to turn and love them!

Rimmer

Or run. Running's good too!

Lister

Look, so some stupid people did some stupid things in your name. It's not your fault. You make a lot of people happy. I mean, look at me: I presumed that throughout history, all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And I realised they're not. In fact you're a bit of a knob. Just like me. Which means that I'm okay.

Jesus

Yeah, I don't wanna be me. I don't wanna walk down the street and have people say 'ooh, look there's the Jesus of Caesarea, the guy who caused all the wars!'

Rimmer

Jesus of Caesarea? You mean Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus

[incredulous] Jesus of Caesarea? Son of Rachel the Fornicator, Samuel the Chicken Stealer.

Lister

Samuel the Chicken Stealer?

Jesus

He stole them, not me. Take it up with him. I'm always having to leg it because of him.

Rimmer

Erm, is Jesus quite a popular name around here?

Jesus

Yeah, there's a few of us. There's Jesus, son of John with a funny nose.... Jesus, son of Luke, he wraps plant leaves around the feet of horses, about 70 of us at the last census.

Jesus

Does this mean I'm not the son of God?

Jesus

Oh, bugger.

Rimmer

What’s that smell? Has there been a fire in here?

Lister

Just a small one. I put it out with me beer.

Rimmer

For goodness sake, Lister, that’s terrible!

Lister

Don’t panic, I’ve got another one.

Rimmer

Lister, we have health and safety protocols for a reason: to safeguard the crew.

Lister

What crew? The original crew? They all got wiped out remember?

Rimmer

Exactly.

Lister

By you.

Rimmer

...Exactly!

Lister

When you didn't fix that drive plate properly, and that radiation leak fried them to a crisp.

Rimmer

......Exactly!

Rimmer

Women have moved on from that move.

Lister

Moves don’t move on.

Rimmer

Moves move on!

Lister

What, moves move?

Lister

So, let me get this right. We’re being attacked by something but we don’t know what, and there’s no way of finding out what’s out there?

Kryten

I have a suggestion, sirs.

Rimmer

What?

Kryten

How about we look out of the window?

Lister

I'd hardly call yelling "Mummy, mummy," dignified.

Rimmer

Lister, I didn't yell "mummy, mummy".

Lister

No you didn't have time, you just yelled "Mu...".

Kryten

Please sirs, this is very bad for morale. I can't believe you're arguing about who's going to have the best death!

Arnold, I’m not your father.

Rimmer

But that's impossible. It's not true.

Look inside yourself and you will know I speak the truth. Your father wasn't me... it's Dungo, our gardener.

Rimmer

But he's a babbling imbecile!

Lister

A billion-piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.

It is the way of all things. You live, you die.

Rimmer

But sometimes you live, you die, and then you live again. I know, I've done it myself.