Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

The second largest fish in the world is...?

Alan Davies

Is it a big squid?

Stephen Fry

Fish.

Alan Davies

A jellyfish?

Stephen Fry

...A fish.

Stephen Fry

[To Alan] But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles. And you didn't invite me to your wedding.

Alan Davies

I did invite you. You didn't come.

Stephen Fry

[facepalms in embarrassment]

Alan Davies

Yeah, you know what you were doing? You were filming an episode of Bones.

Stephen Fry

Yes, I was.

Alan Davies

I’ve never been so insulted in my life.

Stephen Fry

I’m so sorry. How embarrassing. I’m so sorry.

So, like "shagging the dog"?

Stephen Fry

Not really. Not really, Katherine. Is there something you want to share with us? "Like shagging the dog?"

Yeah, if you don't work very hard, you're just shagging the dog.

Stephen Fry

NOT IN THIS COUNTRY, MADAM! IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN WE SHAG A DOG WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING! And it is pretty hard work, let me tell you...

Alan Davies

Not as easy as it looks, let me tell you that.

Stephen Fry

So, in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?

Yeah, or "shagging the sheep" if you want.

Stephen Fry

Again, perfectly common practice over here, but not considered a light or unburdensome task.

It just means, like, having an easy day.

Stephen Fry

There's a lot I have to learn about Canada...

Phill Jupitus

There's just too many double entendres. You pumping custard?

Stephen Fry

Stop it. Are you ready for me to pump the custard?

Phill Jupitus

Yes, I'm ready to pump your custard. [puts his head on the desk]

Josh Widdicombe

This is not how I wanted to go.

Alan Davies

[shouting] It's quite warm there actually. I could feel the heat right there. If had been sitting there, I could have been: [normal voice] I could have been ignited.

Stephen Fry

You could have been covered in hot custard.

Phill Jupitus

I told you, before you did this experiment...

Alan Davies

Quite difficult to land on a, kind of a bend though.

Stephen Fry

I think you use the straight bits.

Jimmy Carr

That would have been an amazing pilot's last words. 'This is tricky...'

Stephen Fry

And they’re not whales.

Alan Davies

They’re people.

Stephen Fry

We know one person who did not escape, don’t we Alan? Who out of his natural curiosity sat down on a chair, tied a pillow to his head with a napkin and watched it, and then suffocated.

Alan Davies

Yes.

Stephen Fry

And his name was? Your old friend...?

Alan Davies

Pliny.

Stephen Fry

Pliny! Hooray.

Alan Davies

It’s always Pliny.

Stephen Fry

Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and they had foot and mouth disease and they communicated it all around Europe.

Alan Davies

Oh.

Stephen Fry

So lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994.

Alan Davies

Well, you need Jonathan Creek to get that one.

Stephen Fry

Well, there you are. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it?

Bill Bailey

Well...

Alan Davies

No, it's not, really.

Stephen Fry

Yes, young Brendan.

Is it because [whispers] he may not be real?

Stephen Fry

*gasps*

YES!

Stephen Fry

Oh, poor Phill...

Stephen Fry

But, Phill: that got a klaxon. So that can't be right.

Stephen Fry

It's alright.

Phill Jupitus

Carry on...

Alan Davies

So why is Santa off of the rich list?

Stephen Fry

It's a very simple reason. It's a fictional rich-list. And Santa is real!

Alan Davies

It just goes in the bin, doesn’t it, bubble wrap, once you’ve popped it.

Stephen Fry

Or you sit in front of the telly relieving yourself.

Stephen Fry

You know what I mean.

Alan Davies

Yes. But let’s get back to the bubble wrap.

Stephen Fry

What has 32 brains and sucks?

Alan Davies

[points towards the audience] The front row.

Ross Noble

Are you suggesting...?

Colin Lane

I’m not suggesting...

Ross Noble

Are you suggesting that I’m somehow pleasuring a whale?

Alan Davies

A sperm whale’s penis is about 3 metres long.

Stephen Fry

What would you find at the exact centre of the observable universe?

Alan Davies

You?

Johnny Vegas

Isn't the sun the centre of the universe?

Stephen Fry

[Bursts out in patronizing laughter, catches himself] Well, sorry for my laughter.

Johnny Vegas

What a way to build me confidence!

Aisling Bea

I thought that was a serious question as well and we both looked at you and you looked at us like the peasants of the land. "Will we ever be free of this tyranny? [throws back her head] Bwa, haw, haw! Never, never, never!"

Johnny Vegas

Doesn't the Wicked Hall Witch live there? Haw, haw haw...

Stephen Fry

I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronizing. The centre of the universe is apparently Bank street and Sixth street in Wallace, Idaho or...

Johnny Vegas

The sun.

Stephen Fry

You beasts, you beasts, you unutterable beasts.

Stephen Fry

My legs went to jelly. I did this thing with Bear Grylls, where I had to rappell down a sheer face. I was never so terrified in my entire life. I got there, and I...

Alan Davies

Sorry, you rappelled down Bear Grylls face?

Stephen Fry

He chose the face.

Alan Davies

And then your legs went to jelly.

Stephen Fry

The really frightening thing was, you know, he took me to the edge and then there was 45 minutes...

Sue Perkins

Sorry, Bear Grylls took you to the edge?

Stephen Fry

[double facepalms]

Stephen Fry

Why would you keep a leash on a leech?

Phill Jupitus

Is it a medicinal leech?

Stephen Fry

Yes it is.

Jo Brand

They use them in the NHS today, don't they?

Stephen Fry

Yes, they do. They absolutely do.

You put them on a wound, don't you? And they eat bits that are infected.

Phill Jupitus

No, that's the maggots.

Have I travelled back in time?

Stephen Fry

No!

Phill Jupitus

And migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your head!