Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

What begins with J and was used by the first man to row the Atlantic to attempt suicide?

Alan Davies

Jizz.

Sue Perkins

Suicide by jizz?

Stephen Fry

Within 10 years, tell me when this great, huge explosion...

Alan Davies

1883.

Stephen Fry

1883?

Bill Bailey

Um... 1882.

Stephen Fry

Right. Ladies and gentlemen, viewers at home, brace yourselves.

Bill Bailey

Oh, hello.

Stephen Fry

The explosion, the enormous, gigantic eruption of Krakatoa was in 1883.

Alan Davies

Thank you.

Stephen Fry

Can I just say, wtf?

Alan Davies

There was a documentary about it on the BBC where they re-enacted it.

Stephen Fry

Well remembered.

Stephen Fry

Just out of interest, how many popes does the Vatican have per square kilometre?

Cal Wilson

How many popes? Like, buried, or in storage?

Stephen Fry

No, actually live, living popes.

Alan Davies

One.

Stephen Fry

No. It’s actually 2.27 recurring, because the Vatican City’s only 0.44 or a kilometre. So the average would be per square kilometre.

Jimmy Carr

Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the most annoying question ever asked!

Stephen Fry

What would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?

Alan Davies

He gets around by swimming, and swinging on, what does he swing on, Greg?

Vines?

Stephen Fry

Whoa!

Stephen Fry

[points to Alan] You trapped him! Oh, Alan, you wicked, wicked - that was diabolical.

Alan Davies

I feel really good tonight. I think I’ve finally nailed this game.

Stephen Fry

I’m going to show you another animal, it’s a common blue butterfly, that has been described by the famous naturalist Geoffrey Grigson as having a particular smell.

Alan Davies

Finger of fudge.

Stephen Fry

Yes!

Alan Davies

What?!

Stephen Fry

Unbelievable! I mean, I’ve got to accept that because the answer is chocolate. That is amazing.

Stephen Fry

What lives underwater and is the loudest creature for its size? [Greg buzzes in] Greg Proops?

Oprah.

Stephen Fry

Good answer, but untrue.

Alan Davies

Is it gonna be the blue whale?

Alan Davies

What about when we went scuba diving and your mask was too tight?

Bill Bailey

Oh. Oh, yeah, I don’t...

Alan Davies

His eyes nearly came out of his head!

Alan Davies

They were inside the mask... these massive eyes! We’re all going, “look at Bill! Check he’s alright. Check he’s alright.” And when we found out he was alright, I laughed, I laughed my head off!

Bill Bailey

No, no, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Rewind! Rewind. Can we just go back to the it where you said, “when you checked we were alright you laughed your head off.” You were laughing from the minute my face came out of the water. There was blood pouring out of my eyes.

Alan Davies

You had no idea. You had no idea at all.

Bill Bailey

I had no idea. I was going, “what?” and people were going, “oh my god!”

Bill Bailey

Oh my god!” And I went, “what? What?” Like Carrie or something, with blood streaming from my eyes.

Alan Davies

It took quite a long time for them to recede as well.

Bill Bailey

Yes, it did. And a lot of laughing was going on.

Alan Davies

I thought you had some sort of magnifying mask on, but when you took the mask off they were still enormous!

Stephen Fry

Ada Lovelace was the daughter of...?

Alan Davies

Mr Software.

Stephen Fry

Amazingly and finally, there is no minus score. Wow.

Stephen Fry

In first place...

Alan Davies

Patronising bastards. I’ve had points before.

Stephen Fry

Do you know what that one was called, by any chance?

Alan Davies

Dave.

Stephen Fry

One day the answer might be Dave, one day the answer might be blue whale. You know what I’m looking forward to is when we have a blue whale called Dave and you don’t get it.

Stephen Fry

So, simple question, who’s happy?

Alan Davies

He’s happy in the picture.

Julia Zemiro

Yep. Old men with young ladies. Oh, old ladies with young men. Why not? Not me.

Stephen Fry

What is this noise, listen up carefully?

Stephen Fry

Beginning with "K"...

Jack Whitehall

A klaxon.

Alan Davies

[pointing at Jack] Ha, ha!

Stephen Fry

Yes, in a strange sort of way pop just et itself, didn't it?

Stephen Fry

What colour is a red kite?

Jack Whitehall

Blue!

Sara Pascoe

Black.

Alan Davies

Red.

David Mitchell

White.

Stephen Fry

Oh, thank you Alan.

Stephen Fry

The thing is, they were named before we had a word for Orange. We just used Red for anything that was Orange as well. We had the word orange for a fruit, but didn't use it for the colour until the 16th Century.

Sara Pascoe

We always think it was the colour that named the fruit, but it was the fruit that named the colour.

Stephen Fry

Now, in case anybody is wondering, because he hasn't done that much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia. Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier award, didn't you? For comedy, at the Edinburgh Fringe?

Colin Lane

Yes.

Stephen Fry

An incredibly distinguished award to win, as [clears throat] I know.

Colin Lane

You haven't won the Perrier award, Stephen?

Stephen Fry

Yes, I did win it.

Colin Lane

Oh, you did?

Stephen Fry

My group was the first to win it ever.

Colin Lane

The first?

Stephen Fry

As it happens, yeah. But, I wonder: who did you beat in 1994? Who came second?

Colin Lane

Uh, there were a few other nominees.

Colin Lane

Uh, I think the main competition came from a little fellow...

Colin Lane

His name was Alan Davies.

Alan Davies

Oh, whatever.

Colin Lane

Alan Davies, yes.

Alan Davies

I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house and he put the Perrier award on the bedside table.

Alan Davies

Can you, like when you drop your phone in the loo you’re supposed to put it in a tub of rice to get the moisture out.

Stephen Fry

Indeed.

Alan Davies

Can you do that with cat litter?

Stephen Fry

There’s an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.

Alan Davies

There’s an episode of Jonathan Creek where I weed in some cat litter. Not I, the character Jonathan.

Stephen Fry

Let’s work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line, that you peed...

Alan Davies

I just got trapped in a cellar for ages, and I needed a wee.

Stephen Fry

Oh, I see. Well that’s fair enough.