Alan Davies quotes from QI

It doesn't really hurt much, no no.

What do you mean, how'd you know?

Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt.

I don't you and your public school ways. "Fry, time for a leeching!"

Alan Davies

"Scrotum!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Get Fry!"

It doesn't hurt as much as double...

Alan Davies

"It's time for his leeching."

"What do you want Scrotum?"

It doesn't hurt as much as Dr. Stavely slamming your dick in a desk, I admit. But - Look, I love to shock you - it's sweet.

JWJosh Widdecombe

Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt?

Yeah, he went to Winchester.

Of course, we remember Bobbitt. His wife severed his...

Alan Davies

Yeah, she cut his penis off and threw it out of the window of a moving car, so it took some finding. But then they sewed it back on and he made some money out of porn films, weirdly.

He must have been rather impressed that a penis took some finding was found. He must have thought "Yes"!

JWJosh Widdecombe

That's why they found the right one: that would have been a disaster.

I could imagine him at the line up. "Could I see number 3 again?"

You're too used to that program: that's just sick.

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India's first nuclear device. Do you know what that was called, and what it might have been?

Alan Davies

It was a curry.

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What's the most depressing radio program of all time?

Alan Davies

[Immediately] Oh, Simon Bates! By miles.

[Imitating Simon Bates, presenting Our Tune ] But surely. that's the story of people who fell in love. She did die of the cancer, but...

Bill Bailey

She battled through the cancer and here's her song: Too Drunk To Fuck

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What colour are the flags on the moon?

Alan Davies

Well, do they look different? When you're there? Are there no flags? There's no moon... oh god.

[The audience starts laughing as Alan clutches his nose in despair.]

Alan Davies

I could just hear about 100 klaxons sounding.

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Now. Alan, would you take a bullet for me?

Alan Davies

Yes, Stephen.

Aw, thank you. Very good.

[forfeit klaxon goes off - YES]

Alan Davies

Sorry: no I wouldn't!

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What wouldn't you want to get on Valentine's Day?

Alan Davies

Chlamydia.

Perfectly reasonable response.

Josh Widdicombe

Is that what VD stands for?

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There is a whole generation of people, if they are channel surfing and see something in black and white, they will never stop to look at it. Which is extraordinary, given that most of the best films ever...

Alan Davies

[incredulously] Not even Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid?

Most of the best films ever made were in black and white, it just seems so extraordinary...

Alan Davies

Not even Broadway Danny Rose?

I know, I know...Elephant Man.

Josh Widdicombe

Why did you point at me when you said Elephant Man?

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A lot of military figures had articles of clothing named after them. Particularly, for some reason, the Crimean War. There was Lord Cardigan, who was in charge of the Light Brigade.

Alan Davies

Balaclava.

The Balaclava Helmet, absolutely. And...?

Alan Davies

Jodhpur.

Jodhpur’s a place, I think.

Alan Davies

Doctor Martin.

The Raglan Sleeve...

Alan Davies

Lord Bobblehat.

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Doctors suggested because they thought it would make more people come forward with STDs because they would be less embarrassed to say they caught it from a lavatory seat, then that they caught it from a whore strumpet harlot.

Alan Davies

Or parent.

Or parent. Or parent?! Don’t make me repeat things without thinking.

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[The panel and Stephen Fry are building Lava lamps from water, oil and Alka-Seltzers]

David Mitchell

This genuinely reminds me so much of school. You said "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzers in", and Alan said "We're putting them all in" and I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.

[In the ensuing hilarity Stephen knocks over his Lava lamp, spilling the contents]

Jimmy Carr and Ronni Ancona: [Raising their hands] Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!

Alright! Mitchell, you made me laugh! I told you before...

Alan Davies

You're in trouble!

There's nothing funny about making people laugh. Well, maybe. This isn't how it was supposed to happen at all. [large box of tissues are put on the desk] And we all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues...

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The father of history, what was he called?

Herodotus.

Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier, when he was around. I'm not having a go at him. But less things have happened back then.

Fewer things.

Alan Davies

Common usage, common usage.

This is so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.

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Alan Davies

Apparently you can say Lesser now...

David Mitchell

Apparently you can just say what you like these days! Apparently you're not allowed to scream Idiot! at people. What's the point in getting an education at all? I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter. [rapturous applause from the audience] I want the time it took me to learn that back.

You need to be less bothered about this. Or fewer bothered. You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing. Just let it go: be fewer upset.

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[on Club 18-30 Holidays]

Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans? Do you remember any of them?

Alan Davies

"You will get fucked."

Yeah.

[Applause from the Audience]

"Would you like to catch chlamydia?"

Both cardinally and financially. Well, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. It was...

Herpes?

..."Beaver Espania" was one.

Alan Davies

Oh, God!

I know. "It's not all sex, sex, sex, there's some sun and sea as well." It really puts you off.

[Later on in the conversation]

You know, there's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. So, if someone says "how are you?" and they say, "Very well", that means, you almost certainly have it.

It's the perfect disease.

It is. So I never know how anyone goes to the Doctor's with it. It would be quite interesting.

There's no warts, no weeping?

No green discharge.

[Sandi shudders]

He has to be frank about these things.

You'll wake up completely fine, go to the Doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. It's baffling and koalas all have it.

Sandi Toksvig

How do you know that?!?!

Huge problem in Australia. They've all got chlamydia and they are dying.

Sandi Toksvig

I thought it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. "If you don't get lucky, there's always the koalas."

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What do newsagents sell that make people suddenly want to vote Tory?

ADAlan Davis

Is it going to be the Daily Mail?

[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - DAILY MAIL]

Makes me want to vote communist, actually.

Alan Davies

Do you get one for the Daily Telegraph as well?

You probably might. Yes!

[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - DAILY TELEGRAPH]

This is a very odd thing, that newsagents sell...

Alan Davies

What about The Sun?

[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - THE SUN]

[to Alan] You're on fire!

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[On discussion of various syndromes]

Perhaps even more depressing, is that American therapists have a name for the syndrome, which "sudden wealth syndrome" [starts sniggering]. Which is presumably something they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome. They make money by deciding you have a syndrome.

Sandi Toksvig

That's a really boring name for it though.