Johnny Vegas quotes from QI

Johnny Vegas

My brother got one, you know he tried for years to get it in a language that you don't understand so you won't mind if it's misspelled. “So, what's it mean?” “Honesty.”. And my mum walked in and he pulled his shirt up and just pretended he didn't have it.

Johnny Vegas

It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device …

Stephen Fry

Johnny Vegas, take some points!

Johnny Vegas

You're jokin'!

Johnny Vegas

My dad killed my pet rabbit and fed it to me.

Stephen Fry

Did he?! [kindly] Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny.

Stephen Fry

I believe, that you, as it happens, obviously, like Alan, felt some erotic feelings towards your instructor, is that correct?

I did. I took a shine to the instructor. I think that’s why I jumped out the aircraft, really. Cos I wanted to impress him.

Johnny Vegas

I often do that. If I like a woman, I jump out of the window.

Stephen Fry

Name something that's much easier to do when you're wearing boxing gloves.

Sean Lock

Frisk a porcupine.

Stephen Fry

Very good!

Johnny Vegas

Give up masturbating!

Stephen Fry

They look straight cause they are straight.

Johnny Vegas

That's not a question! Why does this man look thin? Because he is. That is taking me on whole circle. My train of thought was: They look like this because they are. This is why I struggled in school.

Stephen Fry

It's the Q in QI...

Johnny Vegas

If a train travels at forty miles an hour and leaves at nine o'clock and arrives in Glasgow in twelve o'clock, how did it get there? And you're goin': 'Cause it did.

Stephen Fry

It's sort of that...

Johnny Vegas

It's not sort of that, its very confusing!

Stephen Fry

It's the Q in QI. Its going round in a circle but with a little wriggly bit at the end.

Johnny Vegas

Why does that look straight [holds up his notebook with a wriggly line drawn on.] Because it's not. That would have been a question. [Draws a straight line next to it] Why does that look straight? Because it is!

Stephen Fry

Sometimes...

Johnny Vegas

Because it is!

Stephen Fry

Sometimes things look...

Johnny Vegas

It’s straight!

Rob Brydon

You look backwards, because history teaches us the future. Because from history, we learn patterns, and as Dr Phil says time and time again, the greatest indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Johnny Vegas

[Putting a hand on Rob’s shoulder.] When are you gonna realise he’s not interested?

Stephen Fry

I’m so...

Rob Brydon

He is interested. [To Stephen.] Tell him you’re interested.

Stephen Fry

I’m very interested.

Johnny Vegas

What if you got an air pocket in your ears?

Stephen Fry

A pocket?

Johnny Vegas

You know, the ear pockets. [puts his fingers in his ears]

Stephen Fry

Yes, but the ear cavities are cancelled out...

Sandi Toksvig

[reaches for Johnny's arm] Take your fingers out, you won't hear the answer.

Stephen Fry

He also trained himself to insert pencils into his penis. Not only a pencil though: a toothbrush, bristles first!

NO!

Johnny Vegas

Well, what? Every year, while his wife is going "He's impossible to buy for" and he's going "A TRAVEL POUCH! A PENCILCASE! I'M TIRED OF CARRYING THINGS ROUND IN ME PENIS!" "What about a travel wallet?" "NO!"

Stephen Fry

What would you find at the exact centre of the observable universe?

Alan Davies

You?

Johnny Vegas

Isn't the sun the centre of the universe?

Stephen Fry

[Bursts out in patronizing laughter, catches himself] Well, sorry for my laughter.

Johnny Vegas

What a way to build me confidence!

Aisling Bea

I thought that was a serious question as well and we both looked at you and you looked at us like the peasants of the land. "Will we ever be free of this tyranny? [throws back her head] Bwa, haw, haw! Never, never, never!"

Johnny Vegas

Doesn't the Wicked Hall Witch live there? Haw, haw haw...

Stephen Fry

I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronizing. The centre of the universe is apparently Bank street and Sixth street in Wallace, Idaho or...

Johnny Vegas

The sun.

Stephen Fry

You beasts, you beasts, you unutterable beasts.

Bill Bailey

What the hell was that?

It’s a light.

Alan Davies

Was it a lamp?

Johnny Vegas

No, he’s got a bad ankle. I’m just taking him out. I can’t afford to keep him, okay?

Alan Davies

I absolutely shat myself.

Stephen Fry

Absolutely shat yourself, my god.